Harry Potter Fanmail
by StopAndSmellTheFlowers
Summary: Characters of the Harry Potter series get Fanmail! Rated T but that's probably a bit overcautious.
1. Enter Draco

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters used in this story (or the idea of giving fanmail to characters…)**

**A/N: This is my very first fic, so please don't be too harsh when you review (because you WILL, right?)… I know it's not the best. Almost every chapter, I'll switch characters. This is a fanmail thing, where you review and the character will answer the mail or do whatever the review requests.**

Flower clapped her hands twice. The spacious interrogation room lit up and the steel door on her left burst open. A chair was forced through, with a struggling black-robed figure on it. Flower approached carefully with scissors, and cut the ropes (and duct tape) binding Draco Malfoy.

"You have NO right to take me here! Let me go! I'll curse you into oblivion!" He reached into his pocket, but—"WHERE'S MY WAND? THIS CAN'T BE LEGAL! I swear, I'll—" The rest of his sentence died in his mouth as he saw who Flower had hired as a bodyguard.

"Moody? What are you doing here?" Mad-eye Moody gave him a look. To be specific, he gave the look that said, 'Come up with your own answer, because I won't grace that question with one.' Flower decided to break the awkward silence.

"Well, Malfoy. You're here because I was bored on a Saturday and wanted to put you here. You will be answering or doing some things that other characters have requested. Alastor is here because I need someone to help me keep you under control. He is capable of destroying you, and I suggest you not test that boundary. Here are the rules. You are not allowed to escape, because it's not possible. This room is equipped to sense whatever the occupants need, and supply it. This _is_ actually legal by the forces of Fanfiction, and your father agreed to have you brought here, so no complaining. You will get fanmail from random people. First, though, we must introduce you to a computer." Malfoy whimpered.

"That sounds dangerous. I can get you in trouble with the law if it hurts me. A computer, I'm sure it's a torture device! It'll tear me up, or eat me, or something!" A desktop computer popped up on a table in front of him, which made him even more scared. "I knew it! I go through that black expanse, stuck there for the rest of eternity!" Malfoy hyperventilated some more, and a brown paper bag showed up, too. "AH! THAT THING IS GOING TO EAT ME TOO! YOU PEOPLE ARE VICIOUS!" The room started to supply more brown paper bags, which made him freak out more, which made more bags show up, until there was a knee-high layer of them on the floor.

Flower sighed and started wading over to him. "While we calm him down, why don't the nice people out there review!"

**

* * *

Review with fanmail, please!**


	2. Draco's Mail

**Disclaimer: Not JKR? Check. Haven't used a zillion dollars to buy the HP rights, on the off chance that JKR would sell? Check. Okay, so then I **_**don't **_**own Harry Potter. Just checking.**

**A/N: I'll put a new character in, as well as answer both bits of fanmail. As you will be able to tell by the end of this chapter, I don't really like Draco much. **

Flower grinned. Malfoy had calmed down but was still stealing suspicious glances at the computer, there was two pieces of mail, and everything was going smoothly (except for the whole hyperventilation thing). Her thoughts were interrupted by the loud and arrogant voice of Mr. Malfoy.

"So when is this mail stuff coming, exactly?" Malfoy yelled. "I don't like this room." He cast another look at the computer.

Flower replied, "I was just getting to it, so let's take a look. There's two pieces. Here's the first, it'll show up on the wall, as well as your computer screen if you can't read it off the wall." She pushed a button that was conveniently next to her, and both the wall and the computer screen went to the reviews page on .

Malfoy was smirking, not looking at the screen as if he were above that level of intelligence. "I'll bet _Potter _never got fanmail. I'm finally- err, I always told him I was better than him. Stupid Potter…"

Flower, however, was reading the mail and grinning from ear to ear. "So, to begin." The two wizards and the all-powerful author read.

Ask him:

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOUR MIND?!?! I mean, naming your son Scorpius. Did you give any thought what-so-ever do the poor kid's social life? No?

~Lily

Malfoy gaped at it. "Y-you call this fanmail? Really? My mind is perfectly capable, thank you very much. And Scorpius is a perfectly fine name. I don't know what you mean by son, as I'm still at Hogwarts, but now that I think about that, it's actually a good suggestion. Yes, I like that n-name and there's nothing that you can do about it. Besides, who're you to talk? Lily, now _that's _a stupid name if I ever saw one. Somehow reminds me of that stupid Potter. But, I mean, really. Lily? I'd be worrying for _your _social life, if I didn't hate you already. A flower, how cheesy…"

He continued to mutter, picking up speed as he became more and more nervous. Flower stopped the video camera pointed at him and laughed. Even Moody chuckled for almost four seconds (new record!), and then abruptly continued his stony-faced existence.

Malfoy calmed down and they read the next mail.

great story flower!  
for the meanie  
1. do u really think that bag would eat you?  
2. flower, see how scared he gets when u put in a muggle american football team w/him for 5 minutes!

-Dracoisameanie

As expected, the first outburst was from Draco himself.

"WHAT? What do you mean, "Draco is a meanie?" That's untrue! I'm a very kind pers—well, okay, you have a point there. But still, you're mean yourself if you call me mean! You really need a spell check. Really, I can hardly read that! And to answer your first question: ye- err, no. Not at all. That was… err… theatrics. Yes, theatrics. That was acting back there, okay?" He read the second question once, closed his eyes, opened them, and read it again. "Flower, they actually do sound dangerous… Of course, I'm still acting and not afraid at all, b-but they won't hurt me will they? I-I can sue! I'll tell my father about this if they do!"

Flower attempted to keep a straight face, failed miserably, and said, "First, Dracoisameanie, thank you, I'm glad to hear you like the story. Now, Malfoy, seeing as it's requested, I sort of _have_ to bring some football players. And just so you know, they are dangerous. Also, telling your father won't help, because he agreed to send you here. It was in the contract." She pushed a button on the wall and immediately a kitchen timer appeared, set for five minutes. Flower pushed another button and a glass wall appeared, separating Flower from Malfoy and Moody. "Malfoy, I'm going to keep Alastor with you just in case." Malfoy whimpered.

Flower pushed yet another button and an unseen panel on the other side of the wall slid open. Eleven fully-geared-up Goliaths trooped up to the two-and-a-half-meter door (a little over eight feet for those in America) and ducked inside. They nodded in turn to the glass wall with Flower behind it, turned around, and growled at Malfoy, who shrieked and fled under the table, shaking uncontrollably.

The room, ever truthful, provided the shaking coward with a matching light pink set of pacifier, bottle of warm milk, bib, and box of diapers. At this Flower, Moody, and the football players (who were previously informed of the room's capabilities) were laughing their heads off. Malfoy, however, was blushing furiously and shoving the baby supplies away. Flower snapped a photo of this moment with the digital camera that had appeared when Malfoy got his set of supplies. Apparently the room had decided she needed it as much as Malfoy needed the pacifier.

Four and a half minutes later, Malfoy was shivering in a fort made of pillows and lined with baby supplies in a corner (the room had provided this when the football players had gotten their hammers), the eleven giants were leaving with their new mallets, Moody was still laughing (four _minutes _now) and Flower was going through the hundreds of pictures now on the digital camera.

Malfoy peered out from behind his fort, and Flower snapped another picture. She laughed (again).

"So, Draco, what would you like to say to the people out there?"

He shivered (again), screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE!", and dove back to the shelter of his fort.

"It's okay, you'll be back with your father in minutes," Flower told him, "and besides, it's not so bad because now we just have to do the signoff."

She turned away from him. "That's all for now, folks!" She turned back. "See, that wasn't so bad…"


	3. Enter Luna

Disclaimer: You people should know by now that I'm not JKR.

A/N: I'll have Draco stay, and another character come in as well.

Draco sat in the hard, wooden chair, awaiting the new character. He hoped it would be someone useful, like a Death Eater, to help him get out of there. Flower was standing, and Mad-Eye Moody was standing as well, arms crossed. Abruptly the door opened and Luna Lovegood walked in, smiling serenely.

"Hello, Flower. Hi, Alastor. Good to see you, Draco." She said, and then waved her wand and a puffy purple armchair appeared.

Draco was spluttering in rage. "Wha-? How come _she _gets to bring a wand? _I _don't get one, but that- that _lunatic_ does?"

Flower nodded. "I see how this would seem unfair, but you see, you're more likely to use it on us."

Luna spoke seriously to Flower. "He has anger management problems, I see. Obviously a Wrackspurt's doing," Flower stifled a giggle as Draco attempted to get out of his chair (the room, thinking he needed to be glued to his chair, had thoughtfully provided necessities). "Nice people, please review! I'll be waiting!"


	4. Luna's Mail

**Disclaimer: As previously stated, I am not J. K. Rowling. I would be working on the Harry Potter Encyclopedia if I were her.**

**A/N: First, I'd like to thank EVERYONE that reviewed, seriously when I saw them I screamed for ten seconds straight. Obviously I'm putting in only those with mail, but I'm thanking everyone who decided to help give me like ten seconds of awesome screaming happiness! This is going to be a long chapter, so let's see what Draco and Luna have to say!**

Luna twirled her wand, making swirls of water in the air and "accidentally" spraying Draco every now and then. Draco himself was sulking about wands (still) and Flower was booting up the projector pointed at the wall. Moody was standing behind Draco, hand on his wand.

Flower finished with the projector and began. "We have more mail! The first one is now on the screen."

to Luna from Randy

If you had a choise would you rather be friends with Malfoy or be hit with Harrys most powerful hex?

Luna didn't hesitate. "I'd definitely go with Harry's most powerful hex. I'd probably be put in St. Mungo's for a few months, but it's better than being with Draco," she turned to the outraged boy, "It's not personal, Draco, but you seem to attract nargles, and I have recently misplaced my butterbeer-cork necklace. I don't fancy my things being spirited off to the Great Nargle's Festival all the way in Romania, you see."

Flower nodded. "A wise decision indeed, I must say."

Draco said incredulously, "What? The Great Nargle's Festival? What's this rubbish? And that Potter's hex probably couldn't bowl even that crazy weirdoover, anyway!"

"Excuse me, but Luna happens to be my favorite character," Flower interrupted, " and maybe Harry can come over himself to bowl _you_ over! Remind me to do that at the end of the chapter, Alastor." Moody nodded. Flower continued. "Next, from Luna'sTwinMarriedToFredWeasley!"

First to Flower, I love your story and would love some more time with each of the characters. Oh, Tell Draco that my friend Michelle thinks he's a bastard, but he's HER bastard.

Now to Luna, let me start out by saying that nomatter what anyone says, you are full of AWESOME !! Draco can suck it !! And were you aware that you had an older sister? Yes, my name is Sevenne Charlie Liberty-Lovegood(mums last name was Liberty) and I am in the Twins Year.

Speaking of the Twins (Flower), Tell George I said HII! And fred that I LOLOLOVE him !

~Mrs. Sevenne Lovegood-Weasley

All those in the room read it. All those in the room stared at it. All but one in the room applauded it. That one was Draco, who paled and appeared to be petrified, then snapped out of it and whispered.

"Bastard? Okay. But _her _bastard? Oh dear, dear me…" He went back into his petrified state.

Luna, meanwhile, had stared thoughtfully into space. "Full of awesome? I didn't know that was possible. Then again, when you have a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to guide you, anything's possible. I wasn't aware that I had an older sister. Hmm… I wonder what creature could make me forget such an important factor of my life… Maybe an umgubular slashkilter. Cornelius Fudge owns one of those, Daddy says, and it's highly dangerous but fascinating as well."

Flower smiled. "I'm glad to hear you like the story, and I'll owl Fred and George right now!" Paper and a pen appeared in front of her. "Dear Fred," she muttered as she wrote. "I have a fan of yours here, and she said to tell George "HII!" and to tell you that she LOLOLOVES you. Pranks forever, Flower." A beautiful barred owl appeared in front of her, grooming its feathers. She gave it the letter and it flew out of the window that had appeared with it.

Flower grinned. "Fanmail number three!"

LUNA I LOVE YOU!

Sorry, I'm hyper. I think you're a very talented witch with a pure heart and an honest disposition. I admire your creativity so much! Don't let anyone push you down! Keep being who you are, you're a lovely person.

Show us your patronus!

Luna spoke first. "Don't worry. I get hyper a lot, and I figure there must be some wrackspurt near me when that happens. To get rid of one, you should scare it off by beating it, as if it was a large moth, but that might be hard because they're invisible. I didn't know someone admired me like that, hmm, interesting. And for the last bit, of course!" She twirled her wand, calmly said the incantation, and abruptly a silver hare popped into existence, bouncing around the room and frolicking through the air. Eventually it shimmered away, and Luna said, "I usually think of showing the world a real live Crumple-Horned Snorkack when I do that. Next mail?"

{i luv draco and he is like one of my favorite people but it is so friken fuuny how much of a baby he is}ALSO:Luna is awsome she is so interesting and if i went to hogwarts i would so totally want to be her bestest friend and if i just randomly saw her i would say hi.  
{ luna and draco a cookie=3

Draco went first this time. "I appreciate that I am, of course, your favorite character of all time. _That_, at least, makes sense. One thing: I'm not a baby. Again, that was acting back there. Thank you for the virtual cookie, by the way. Also, I don't know why all these people think Loony's "awesome" and "interesting". I mean, really, she's just a crazy, psycho--" Here he was cut off, as the room had decided he needed to shut up and accordingly put duct tape across his mouth.

Luna had been humming, but as she noticed the absence of a certain loud arrogant voice, she realized it was her turn. "I'd probably be your friend too, xX{hailey}theemopersonXx. Anyone that doesn't call me Loony," she threw an uncharacteristically scathing look at Draco, "is a friend of mine. Thanks for the cookie. I do love cookies." As she said this, a plate of chocolate chip cookies appeared. Everyone took one, and everyone attempted to take a bite. All but Draco succeeded, because he still had the tape in place. The room took pity on him and it ripped itself off. Draco shed a few tears, then remembered the cookie and took a huge chomp.

"Next!" said Flower.

So, a fan letter? okay, I can do that!

ZOMG, DRACO MALFOY YOU'RE LIKE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER EVER!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY TALKING TO YOU!

...I can not believe I just typed that...

Anyways, Draco you are my second favorite fictional dude! Why? Cause you're so damned emo in the sixth book!

And Luna, one question for you, Do you like waffles?

Draco smirked with what looked like half his cookie (the chocolate half) smeared on his face. For Merlin's sake, he got some on his ears and forehead. "Yes, I can understand why you would absolutely worship me as the greatest character ever. Hard to believe a lowly person like you could be speaking to an amazing supersta- err, um, character, such as me, isn't it? But really, I'm not emo, whatever that is. Stupid muggle terms."

Luna looked up from her wand, which was now aiming bubbles at a small target she'd conjured and enchanted to float around the room. "Waffles? Yes, I do like waffles. They are rather enjoyable, especially when eaten with pudding."

first, to Flower: LOVE THE STORY :) so creative, and so funny! keep up the good work!

Draco: You are so completely obnoxious, and mean, and cruel, but yet I love you so much. Why is that? But I must say, you acted rather foolishly with those football players!! :) really, Draco, can't you do any better? (I bet Harry would have reacted much better when meeting them...)

Luna: girl, I love you so much! You are so smart and talented and creative, and you shouldn't ever let anyone tell you differently!! So I want to know, have you ever had something stolen by a Nargle? That's why you wear your necklace, right? To keep those Nargle thieves away? Just curious. Also, do you know of any strange magical creatures that live in the US? because I'd really like to look around for some... sadly I haven't seen many Blibbering Humdingers or anything like that around...

haha Flower, you're amazing, and your story is awesome :) can't wait to read more!

Flower blinked. Surely she wasn't that good at writing. Still, nice to know people appreciate the story. Draco was spluttering (he seems to be doing a lot of that lately), saying, "Obnoxious? I'm not obnoxious! As for mean and cruel, I suppose you've got me there, but I'm NOT obnoxious. And didn't you hear earlier? I was acting. My father got me acting lessons when I was small. My father always gets me whatever I want. That makes me way better than idiot Potter and especially that Weasley. He can hardly afford a _wand_. A-and Potter would have _freaked_. Believe me, I know enough to say that he would fail more miserably than I- err, he'd fail, _unlike_ me. Yes, I'm that awesome."

Luna read over her part again. She was amazed at all the praise she was getting. No one yet had called her Loony. It was good to know that some people at least didn't ridicule her beliefs. Maybe some of these people had seen a Crumple-Horned Snorkack! "Yes, I keep my trusty necklace on me, because when I was five years old, a nargle stole my patch of Crumple-Horned Snorkack fur. I never got it back, and daddy said that my necklace would keep them away. I could ask daddy about strange magical creatures in America. I believe there are some, but I'm not sure quite yet what. Um, next mail then?"

Dear Malfoy,  
Please go to hell. I hate you and I hate your guts. Please tell your girlfriend Pansy that I hate her too and tell Voldemort that he is an a-hole. And call the other Slytherins gits for me, too!

Your Anti-Fan,  
Haley

Flower stifled a giggle at Malfoy's reaction. He was angrily attempting too say something, but it wouldn't come out. Then, finally, he said:

"You're MEAN!" and burst into tears. The room supplied him with a box of facial tissues and Flower with a video camera. She grinned. Perfect blackmail material. She said, "Since I don't think Mr. Malfoy is capable, I'll be happy to have the room send a Howler containing this information to both Voldemort's house (A/N: Does he have a house, even?) and the Slytherin Common Room." Another two owls flew out the window. "Well, that was the last mail, so I think that's it!"

Moody came up to her and whispered something. Flower nodded. "Oh yes, I'd forgotten. Ladies and gentlemen reading this, Mr. Harry Potter!" A door opened and Harry stepped out. He looked confused and talked to Flower.

"Why am I here?"

"Malfoy said you couldn't bowl him over."

"What?"

"Luna got some mail-"

"But why am I here?"

After a minute of explanation, Harry understood.

"But, Flower, one last question. If Malfoy has to go to St. Mungo's, do I get in trouble?"

Flower paused. "I'll make sure that he's fully healed by the time he leaves, so he won't have to go."

Draco was very relieved at that. He shouldn't have been.

Harry went all-out: by the time his one hex was over, Malfoy was warty, short and squat, covered in slime, black and blue underneath said slime, and in pain. A lot of pain. Harry bowed dramatically and went back through the door. Flower took a picture of the toad-like creature formerly known as Draco Malfoy and nodded to Moody, who waved his wand and cured Draco. Malfoy whimpered, shuddered, and tried to compose himself. The key word in that sentence was "tried".

Flower grinned, Draco winced, Luna continued making bubbles with her wand, and Moody stood, menacing as ever.

Luna did the signoff, saying, "Don't let the Blibbering Humdinger get you! Especially if it's cloudy outside. They tend to attack when it's cloudy."


	5. Enter Dudley

**Disclaimer: I'm still not JKR, haven't undergone a total personality change…**

**A/N: I just realized I forgot to put this in the last chapter, and it didn't fit in the last one very well anyway, so the reply from Fred and George is here! (In case you've forgotten, the part of the mail that that concerns reads: "****Speaking of the Twins (Flower), Tell George I said HII! And fred that I LOLOLOVE him !").**

**By the way, I've finally decided how I'm going to do this. Each character will stay for three "mail" sessions and three "intro" sections. So this is set is the last chance for those Draco fans! By the way, I'm sorry it's taken so long to put the last two chapters up, but I think my teachers are deliberately trying to get rid of any free time I may have had. And yet, I prevail!**

Flower signaled to Moody. He pushed a button and a door slid open, revealing—

A fat, pig-in-a-wig blonde boy of about fifteen. Dudley yawned.

"Ah, that was a good dream. Mummy, you'll never guess what it was about! It was about Mario and Luigi, in New Super Mario Bros. Each of them had a giant mushroom and—Hey! You aren't Mummy! Neither are you! Or you! Where am I?" His anger was replaced by terror. "You're the weird people Mummy tells me about! You steal people, and torture them until they go mad! Get me out of here!"

The room supplied a swimming-pool sized cake that said, "I hate you" in fancy writing on it for Dudley. He grinned and either didn't see or just didn't need the fork he got, because he buried his face in it immediately.

Flower stared. "Surely there can't be air in there?"

Dudley answered her question as he came up in scuba diving equipment. They were covered in cake and had an air tube attached to the nose part instead of the mouth part.

Flower blinked. "Oo-kay…

An owl flew in. It was the barred owl from the previous chapter, so Flower eagerly untied the letter, and read aloud:

Dear Flower and Luna'sTwinMarriedToFredWeasley,

It's great to know that I have fans out there, but-

_Modest, aren't we?_

George! Write your own letter!

_Why? I am having much more fun this way!_

Fine. But don't interrupt-

_Why not? Come on, stop being such a Percy!_

_(Fred paused and realized he was acting like a Percy.)_

Okay, you can interrupt.

_Goodie!_

Goodie? What are you, three years old?

**That's what I've been trying to tell Mum.**

Who's that? The handwriting is much too neat for Dad or Ron, and too curly for Percy, and it can't be Mum, so…

_**That was Ginny, Dursley-brain!**_

Who's-

_**This is Ron.**_

**Thanks, Ron, but I can introduce myself, thank you.**

Okay. I need to reply to this mail, so if you guys could all put down your quills and stop, that'd be nice.

_Since when did you turn into Umbridge?_

George, not funny_. _Even we don't relate others to _her._

_Point taken._

Back to the mail. Where was I, before I was interrupted, what, four times?

**Three, actually.**

Ginny! Not the point!

**Oh, I know that's not the point. ;)**

Okay, that scared me. To the point, now-

_That's strange. Since when have you gotten to the point?_

Touché. But still. I must make an effort. –

_**That's new as well! Looks like an old dog really can learn new tricks!**_

Ron! Who're you calling old! Just look at Mum!

**Ooh, Fred, I'll tell Mum you said that!**

You wouldn't dare. Luna'sTwinMarriedToFredWeasley-

_I still don't get it. I look better. Why would you marry him?_

George! Back to the letter.

**Technically, isn't this whole thing a letter?**

Ginny! I thought you'd left to tell Mum I called her old!

**No, I decided it's more fun staying here.**

_**It is. Have any of you seen a Slytherin lately? I haven't.**_

_RON! Are you learning to care for gits?_

_**No, but they should all look… interesting this week.**_

_What'd you do? Tell me! Was it fun? I just _knew_ you'd turn out all right!_

Back to the letter again. Luna'sTwin, it's good to hear you care!

_And what a touching speech that was._

_**He's right.**_

_**Oh yes, I quite agree.**_

And who's THAT?

_**This is Harry.**_

How did you get ove-

_**Got to go, the Dursleys are calling. Hmm, that doesn't happen often.**_

No, it doesn't. Bye Harry!

_Bye Harry!_

_**Bye Harry!**_

**Bye Harry!**

_**Bye everyone!**_

**That makes four interruptions.**

(everyone else sighs)

Well, that's pretty much all we have room for.

_Because someone was hogging all the parchment!_

That wasn't me! Anyway, to end it: Please write again!

Pranks Forever,

Fred.

_And George._

_**And Ron.**_

**And Ginny.**

_**And Harry!**_

_I thought the Dursleys were calling?_

_**They are, but I don't want to go.**_

_Okay… Oh no, Mum's calling.._

**That'll be another "group laundry", then?**

_Oh, no… washing clothes with Percy. I swear, she's trying to torture me. It's working, I tell you._

As it is for us all. For real this time, a Weasley family signoff from:

Fred _George__** Ron**_** Ginny **and_**Harry.**_

_**Hey, how come Fred gets to write the "and"? I'll do another one. **_

_**And. **_**And. **_And_. _**And. **_

Flower looked up. "And that's the reply."

Another two owls flew in. Flower was confused. She hadn't sent any other owls, did she? Then it clicked. Voldemort and the Slytherins. She opened the first, a Howler, carefully. Not that it helped much. The first voice was vaguely distinguishable as a girl's.

"DRACO! HOW COULD ANYONE THINK _I'M_ A GIT! I AM AMAZING AND THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN SCHOOL AND WHOEVER SENT THIS I WILL PERSONALLY SEE FIT TO HAVE MY DADDY SEND OUT A FRIEND'S FRIEND'S FRIEND OF HIS TO MURDER YOU!"

Here Pansy was cut off by another voice, this time a male.

"HEY MALFOY THAT POTTER'S BEEN GIVING US TROUBLE AGAIN. HE DYED OUR HAIR PINK SO COULD YOU PUT ANOTHER NIFFLER IN HIS ROOM? THAT REDHEAD FRIEND OF HIS COULD DO WITH A LESSON TOO. HE GAVE ALL THE SLYTHERINS SPATTERGROIT AND POMFREY TOLD US TO TAKE A TOAD LIVER, TIE IT AROUND OUR THROATS AND STAND NAKED IN A BARREL OF EELS EYES NEXT FULL MOON. WE TRIED BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I THINK IT'S A FAKE SPATTERGROIT."

The letter ended there. Draco shook his head and sighed. "Can' t they do anything without me?"

The other envelope was purple and bulging. Flower figured it was from Voldemort, so she approached it with even more care than the last one. When it opened, inside was… a birthday card? Flower, thoroughly puzzled, opened it. Inside was written:

_Aunt Cassie,_

_How is it there in America? In London everything is going well, with my plans for the future turning out nicely. I got this mail that was sort of mean, so I said in the reply,_

_"I hate you with every fiber of my being, and I wish you were never born" in it. It yells, too. That's done. I got these two owls the other day, and they're so pretty, but they look alike so I often mix them up. Imagine getting such a mean letter just because I mixed up the owls! Anyway, Happy Birthday from your little Tom._

_PS. I have a new nickname. It's Voldemort, but you are special and can call me Voldie._

Everyone (but Draco) was laughing. Obviously Voldemort had mixed up the owls, and the one with the hate message was going to "Aunt Cassie".

Malfoy scowled at the embarrassment to his leader. He closed the chapter. "So. Review because if not I'm coming to get you. The next mail session is my last one, and then I'm free. Make it good."


	6. Dudley

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. It's that simple. That includes A Very Potter Musical...**

**A/N: This is the last chapter with Draco!**

"We have six pieces of mail!" shouted Flower. She shouted this because it was the only possible way for Dudley, who was still buried in cake, to hear. Apparently he didn't hear anyway, because he didn't resurface.

Flower walked over to the cake. It had been reduced to half of the literal swimming pool size it had been at the end of the last session. She poked it tentatively, and her finger was sucked inwards. She screamed, yanking her finger away. She turned to Luna.

"Any suggestions?"

Luna looked thoughtful for a moment, and then her eyes lit up. She pronounced the spell clearly.

"Accio Dudley!"

The cake-covered blob known as Dudley Dursley crashed through the wall of the monstrous dessert, and immediately started complaining.

"Hey! I wasn't finished!" The room took away the cake, swapping it for a giant shower stall, and Mr. Cake-covered-blob cried out, "NO! I won't! I don't like those things, you hear? I don't _like_ them! And what happened to the cake?!"

Flower closed her eyes, massaged her temples, and slowly counted to ten. This was why she could never be a preschool teacher. Ever. She opened her eyes. "So. To business!"

Hi there.  
First Flower, this is an awesome fanfic xD thanks for writing it.  
Draco, I don't hate you, you ain't too bad. Everyone likes a villain. But you ARE a meanie a lot of the time. Sorry, love (I call everyone 'Love' in my head, I'm more partial to Ron really...forget I said that)  
Luna, I've always liked your exotic way of thinking and your many things you believe in. I love the word Nargle for some reason :D. You are pretty awesome and have always been one of my favorites.  
Dudley, all I have to say about you is you're a fat meanie. Sorry for being harsh, but it's true.  
Byes-eh-bye!  
~Rhianna (it's pronounced Ree-ana D: not Ree-ona like that muggle singer)

Flower smiled. "Hi there to you, too. I'm glad you like the story, and you're welcome."

Draco shook his head.

"I will forget you said that, and of course you don't hate me. Who could possibly hate _me?_ Except for that Potter. And the last few reviewers. And that Weasley kid, and Granger, and most of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw... And - Oh shut up."

Luna nodded serenely. "I enjoy saying the word 'Nargle' as well. Nargle Nargle Nargle."

Dudley squinted. "What do those lines mean? This is stupid! You freaks are all saying stupid things to a stupid computer."

Flower gasped. Dudley, saying the words "stupid" and "computer" in the same sentence? Surely not! Then she processed what he had said before. Wait… Draco voiced her thoughts.

"You can't _read_? Did your mummy never teach you? Or did she even send you to school? You are _such_ an idiot!"

Dudley turned beet red, a trait obviously inherited from his father. "What's _reading_? Is that some stupid thing you do at your stupid school? And what's an i… idoit?"

"Its idiot, not _idoit, _and—"

"Okay, moving on! Shut up, you two!" Flower interrupted.

Dear Dudley,  
You are fat and you are a pig. You should've kept the tail. Do us all a favor and go on a diet.

Dudley narrowed his eyes, or tried to anyway. "What the idiot are those idiot squiggles! They don't idiot make any idiot sense, idiot!" Evidently Dudley found his favorite word.

Draco massaged his temples, so Flower read the mail out loud. When she got to the part about the tail, Dudley's face turned from red to white and his hands clamped instinctively around his massive bottom. She finished reading, and took a picture of Dudley. This snapped him out of it, and he processed (if it's possible) the rest of it. When the word "diet" got through, he became paler still.

"A diet? I've tried one of those. My mummy told me it was because the school didn't issue knickerbockers in my size… idiot school."

Flower attempted to give him a sympathetic smile. What was eventually forced out looked more like a tortured grimace. She abandoned the effort and spoke.

"Next!"

first of all draco. GET A LIFE! You are a loser, pathetic, and everyone HATES YOU! Go fall in a hole.  
To Luna; you are awesome, kind, and could probably cause severe damage to Draco with one punch.  
To dudley. Your fat, lazy, stupid, and annoying. You were nice in the seventh book though.  
To Flower. Rock on, girl!  
-getalifeDraco

Draco sighed. "I really cannot wait to get out of here."

Luna looked thoughtful. "One punch? I doubt I could do as much as an exploding snabberwitch or two…" Draco paled.

Flower read Dudley's part out loud for him, and then he started talking. "My daddy says that I'm a healthy weight, whatever that means. And stupid? As if! You're more stupid, idiot. And I'm not annoying!"

Flower smiled. "I will, as you put it, "rock on". This is how…" Surprising everyone, she went in a corner and muttered. Immediately the room answered her request, and a huge pit appeared under Draco, causing him to screech like a Mandrake and fall six feet into the knee-high mud at the bottom. Flower took a picture and the room brought him back up to the surface, where he glared at Flower and sat down in a huff.

Draco, you are a snob, a meanie, and you are REALLY stupid. Not to mention you're a scaredy-cat. Flower, I think you can get some great photos if you dress Draco as a girl. Oh, give him a miniskirt.  
-Angry Aunt Cassie

Malfoy spoke first. "A snob? Rich, peasant, _rich._ Not a snob. There is a big difference. And a meanie, we've already discussed this. Haven't you read the last few chapters? And I'm not as stupid as _he _is. At least I can _read. _He's a mindless, stick-waving, idiot baboon." Draco sneered at Dudley, who was hollering about those "idiot squiggles".

Flower, meanwhile was reading her part. Oh, this would be fun. She muttered to the wall, and a wardrobe appeared in the corner. She'd specified what sort of clothing was to be placed in this wardrobe, and though it was small, it was magical of course. She had another idea.

"Hey, Luna, I have this idea… I need your awesome fashion sense. Everyone else, the room shall provide you with entertainment." She and Luna went to the wardrobe and stepped inside, leaving Dudley to his computer (with a new game called, "The WereCat Ears"), Moody to his _Worldwide_ _Vigilance_ magazine, and Draco with nothing, to give him plenty of time to be anxious.

Inside were racks and racks of clothes, mostly pink, all in Draco's size. As Flower walked, she saw strange, strange clothes with weird slogans: "The Psychic Science Teacher", "Constantine's out to get me", "Go away: Eating Chocolate Frosting" and "Are you trying to turn your water puce?" to name a few.

Eventually, Flower and Luna had gathered together: a feminine T-shirt in striped Gryffindor colors, with a plaid rainbow fleece vest (that plainly advertised the slogan "The roses look like ears") over that , and a pale orange miniskirt with neon pink leggings. It looked disastrous, but naturally it was made worse by the olive green tutu and wide-brimmed lemon-yellow hat with the huge lily appliqué. In addition, they had chosen a lipstick called "Moldy Prune" and pink mascara for "longer, thicker lashes". When they brought all this back, Draco had… an _amusing_ reaction, to say the least.

In the end, they managed to stuff him in it, take a quick ten pictures (after making him pose and stunning him there, of course) and let him storm off to the provided changing room while everyone else laughed their heads off.

When Draco came back, Flower gasped between bouts of laughter, "Next mail!"

Flower, nice job! I loved it when you put Draco with the football players! Draco, I hate you, but all the good insults have already been taken, so I have nothing to say.

-Harry'sGonnaGetcha

Draco spluttered. Never before had such a lowly slug spoken to him like this! "Th-this is an outrage! H-how dare you! You are so stupid, I bet you have horrible handwriting and can barely write or read and eat colored ice-cream all day!" Here he was cut off by Dudley.

"Ice… Creeaaammm…. Yuuummm…"

Draco gave him the 'you're a psycho' look, shook his head, and continued: "How dare you speak to m-me in this way? My father will hear—Oh darn. Well, my mother will hear of this! That-that Potter can't get me here! I'm safe!"

Flower grinned. "But Draco, It's your last chapter. Next!"

He paled. He blanched. But that could not stop the facts. It was his last chapter.

Alright, I have requests. I want Draco to sing his part from A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Part 2. Luna has to do gymnastics, and Dudley must attempt to tightrope-walk… in a tutu… above a pool full of cow dung. Tell him it's pudding. Oh, the horror.  
~Lily

Draco cast an accusing look at Flower. "What is this musical?"

The room brought up YouTube on the screen. They played his part, and Draco gulped. He started singing, willing to get this over with. Flower had a video camera at the ready. His voice was painful. Unlike his actress (A/N: yes, he's played by a girl), he could not sing for his life. Unfortunately, Mr. Malfoy had really gotten into the swing of it and was screeching out the song. Flower had abandoned her camera and ran (or tried to run in the case of Dudley) with the others to the other side of the room, where they were saved by the sound barrier that appeared, blocking them off. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief (except for Dudley, who panted, and Draco, who was still singing).

Eventually, the verse ended and everybody crept back out to Draco, who was bowing to and thanking an invisible audience. He did this for almost ten minutes straight.

Luna smiled again. "I've never tried gymnastics before… How do you do it?"

Flower thought. "Well, a cartwheel would count… mind you I'm not the best at gymnastics, but I'll try." She did an admittedly rather sloppy cartwheel.

Luna nodded. "It's rather like the migrating dance of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack… I will try." She got in a start stance and did a very nearly perfect cartwheel.

Flower and Moody clapped. (Dudley was still panting and Draco was above that).

Dudley's turn. Flower read out, "Dudley must attempt to tightrope-walk… in a tutu… above a pool full of cow dung. Tell him its pudd- Oh darn." She had read too much.

Dudley was still figuring out a word. He said it randomly.

"Dung."

He asked what it was, and Flower was relieved.

She said, "It's a special kind of pudding… It tastes like… ah…"

Dudley was way ahead of her. "Idiot it tastes like cow, of course! Cow dung, of course it tastes like cow. You idiot."

She giggled. "Yeah. Cow. It tastes like cow."

Dudley was happy. "Goodie! Cow dung! I get to… what's a tightrope-walk?

Draco was rolling his eyes. "Sheesh, you don't know what that is? Of course it's… uh… How about you explain, Flower."

Flower grinned. "Dudley, you pretty much get in a tutu, that's a _very _tough suit, fits you perfectly, and then you trot right across this rope stretched above the… dung… and it's really really easy. And if you fall, you just fall in the… dung."

Dudley was overcome with glee. Walking on a diving board to a pool of pudding? Awesome!

The room provided a pool of dung with a tightrope, a changing room, and a fluffy pink tutu. Dudley protested at the "pinkness" but Luna convinced him it was "very masculine and totally cool".

He got in it and climbed the ladder. At the top he yelled down, "It doesn't smell like pudding!" before taking a running start, getting to the rope, slipping into a rather… uncomfortable position, screaming, and falling into the "pudding". Flower caught it all on video. Dudley was climbing out, covered in poop, and smiling. He still thought it was pudding, but unfortunately he hadn't eaten any.

Flower winced at the smell. She pushed a big red button and the room dumped fruit perfume all over Dudley. It also provided him with a bathroom equipped with super-powerful showers.

She smiled. "So, that's all for now!"

Draco blinked, then cracked a grin and ran in circles screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"

A door opened and he ran through it, but not before the room secretly popped that hideous outfit back on him and gave him another pink set of baby supplies.

**A/N: Draco won't be gone forever (I can bring him back and see how afraid he is… hehe…) but for now, as he so eloquently put it, "HE'S FREE!"**


	7. Enter Snape

Disclaimer: You all know I don't own HP, but I also don't own Potter Puppet Pals! Or chocolate frosting, which I really want right now…

A/N: So sorry it's been a while, but I swear my teachers give me mountains (not joking, I'm 4 feet taller than my dad if I stand on my textbooks) of homework on purpose. They are out to get me.

Flower grinned evilly. Oh yes, this would be a fun yet admittedly short episode. She took a breath and screamed, "WE HAVE VISITORS!"

Most of the inhabitants of the room flinched, except for a drooling, snoring boy—no, _lump,_ yes that's it—on the floor. She poked him on the shoulder and he quivered violently.

_Hopeless, _she thought. The magical room seemed to hear her thoughts and dropped a pair of earmuffs on everyone but Dudley, who was left to fend for himself (oh, as _if_) against a blaring air horn. Needless to say, this woke him up. Quite quickly, in fact.

He jumped to his feet.

Flower turned off the air horn, took off her earmuffs, and said to him, "We have a visitor."

"Wuzzavisadur?"

"We have a… guest," she tried.

"Is that like dung?"

"SOMEBODY IS COMING TO STAY HERE, ALL RIGHT?"

Dudley started shivering. "O-okay…"

Flower jabbed viciously at a button on the wall. A door slid open and out strode…

Severus Snape.

"_What_ am I here for?"

Dudley turned a pale shade of chartreuse. He whispered, "He scares me!"

Snape glared in his direction. "How dare this lowly excuse for a being speak to me! I'll curse him into oblivion!"

He put his hand in his pocket and drew it out again, confused. Then he started patting all his other concealed pockets.

"Where is my wand?" He turned to Moody. "You. You are the one who took me from my toad-dissecting. Give me my wand!"

Moody, however, shook his head and pointed at Flower, who sighed and muttered, "Thanks a lot, Alastor."

Moody shrugged apologetically.

Snape looked suspiciously at her. "Who are you?"

She replied, "I'm Flower, the author of this story, and I know all about you. Your wand has been confiscated. We don't trust you with it, you see. This"—she gestured toward Dudley, who was still green--" is Dudley Dursley. He's Harry Potter's cousin, and a complete muggle." Naturally, Dudley shouted.

"What's a _muggle_?"

Flower ignored him and pointed at Luna instead. "Of course, you know Luna. She's allowed a wand because she's just awesome like that." Luna pulled out her wand and Snape eyed it thoughtfully. Flower noticed and added, "And don't try to steal it, because it only works for her. This room will sense and provide anything you need, whether you like it or not."

"Yes, yes," muttered Snape, who was still looking for his wand despite Flower's explanation. "Not over here, not over there… Hang on! What's that mysterious ticking noise?"

Flower listened. There was a very mysterious ticking noise. She looked around but couldn't find a source. Then Dudley, of all people, exclaimed, "I've found the source of the mysterious ticking noise! It's crazy lady's stick thingy!"

Flower turned patronizingly to Luna, who was indeed tapping her wand against a table. She shrugged, smiling peacefully. Flower shook her head. "Well, please review!"


	8. Snape's Mail evil grin

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…

A/N: Luna's last chapter… *sobs* OH MY GOSH SO SO SO SOOOO SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT its been like a month…

Dudley's eyes snapped open. He abruptly said, "DUNG!" Everyone jumped, then realized what had happened and went back to what they were doing. By that time, Dudley was snoring again.

~~_Meanwhile~~_

"DUNG!" Flower jumped. Who said that? Then she realized what a stupid question that was, and went back to navigating on her computer to FanFiction dot com. When she got to her destination, she yelled. Quite loudly, in fact. "OI! EVERYONE! WE GOTS MAIL!"

Pretty much everyone jumped again, glared at Dudley, realized it wasn't him, and promptly glared a sweetly smiling Flower. "What?"

She brought up the mail and it stated:

Flower: Super fantastic story! keep it up! WOO! Motivation! (sorry the docters dont know whats wrong with me)  
Luna: You are one of my favorite characters ever. Don't listen to them when they call you loony they don't understand your vast knowladge of magical creatures (Sorry for all the spelling mistakes!) Just because they haven't seen them doesn't mean they don't exist!  
Dudley: I accually feel for you. You were never given a chance since you were born to parents who have such hate it had to have rub off on you. (I am killing the english languge here!) But... :3 I want you to run on a treadmil while being lectured by a collage professor about the theory of relitivity for an hour. Feel the learn. (chokes on horrible pun)  
Snape: Complement Harry... while riding a unicycle in a frilly ball gown holding an umbrella. Yeah.

Flower had looked at it, and was now staring at Snape with a camera at the ready, waiting for his reaction. Oh, she was satisfied.

"WHAT UNJUST SLUG WROTE THIS PIECE OF FILTH? Besides," he said, calming down and now looking apprehensively at Flower (she took a picture), "besides, it's not like you're actually going to—"

Flower grinned. "Oh yes I am. It's my obligation to those wonderful reviewers, and either way- it's going to be incredibly amusing."

He blanched.

Luna grinned. It was really strange though, being complimented. What an idea!

Flower read for Dudley. He turned blue (instead of the expected purple/puce/green) and Flower watched, interested. Then she realized that he wasn't breathing, and sighed impatiently. "Oh come _on_. He stopped _breathing_? Alastor, go on."

The aforementioned auror flicked his wand at Dudley, who turned back to his natural hue of salmon pink.

"Back to business," Flower said. "So-"a treadmill and a very confused looking college professor appeared- "Here we go. You sir," she said, tuning to the professor, "are going to teach this buddy here about the theory of relativity. Don't look at what he's doing, it's not important and will confuse you. Just give him the most complicated lecture in the arsenal. If it's not an hour long, just either extend it or start over, or just start putting random words in and _then _you may watch with the rest of us."

The professor looked even more confused at this, but waited patiently for Flower to tell him to start. Meanwhile, Flower had been helping Dudley onto the treadmill. She started it (he couldn't read the instructions) and he immediately fell off the end. She set it at a slower pace, but the same thing happened. Then she figured it out. "Oi," she said, "you have to walk." He nodded as if he understood (pshaw!), and actually walked this time. She sped it up and he ran, fat jiggling, along.

Dudley said, between labored wheezes, "Hey… I'm running a lot, but… why… is nothing…" He flew off because he'd stopped running to think (again, doubtful). When Dudley regained consciousness, he completed his idea (amazing how it fit in a brain so small, don't you think?) and said, "_moving?"_

No one remembered what he had said earlier, because they were either:

Laughing at the professor's determination not to look at his strange pupil, and to keep talking no matter what was going on around him.

Attempting to get the scary mental image of Dudley's bouncing fat out of their mind.

Laughing at Dudley's facial expression.

Laughing at how Dudley flew off the treadmill.

Laughing at Dudley in general, or

All of the above.

Flower made Dudley get back on, and started it again. The professor had now run out of speech and was now saying random items around him.

"Girl. Man. Greasy. Scary. Blonde. Weird. Treadmill. Idiot. Fat. Whale. Pig. Terrifying. Fall. Crunch. Dead. Wimpy. Annoying. Stupid. Double-scary." Dudley was now terrified at the person in front of him, and as Flower turned the treadmill off, Dudley kept walking. This, of course, resulted in a broken treadmill, a rather large dent in the wall, and a cross-eyed Dudley on the floor.

Flower took a picture and moved on, allowing the professor to be vanished from the room. Snape's turn. He gulped; as well he should, for Flower was grinning evilly.

She picked out a beautiful-on-practically-anyone-but-Severus-Snape pink frilly ball gown, and handed it over. He shuddered and attempted to run, but the room just popped it on him, gave him a unicycle, and brought Harry inside. Snape scowled, turned red (if that's at all possible, him being so pallid all the time), and got on the unicycle. He promptly fell over, and attempted again. Ten minutes later, he finally wasn't falling over, but everyone else was attempting not to laugh (and what a task that is). Snape turned on his seat to face Harry, and said, "That shirt looks nice on you."

Harry looked confused, then bemused, then amused, then he mused, and then he just gave up and laughed.

Snape stormed off to change, and Flower poked Harry. "Hey… you haven't stopped laughing yet. Did you know that? You haven't stopped laughing since Snape told you that you had a nice shirt. Twenty minutes ago. Are you breathing?"

Harry nodded, wheezed a few times more, and went through the door that appeared in front of him. What a story to tell Ron!

Snape came back as Flower started reviewing the tape she'd gotten. It included the twenty minutes of laughing and the poke from Flower. She looked up. "Oh, you're back. NEXT MAIL!"

Yay! Snape! Snape you are awesome, but yet so cruel to Harry. I still think Lily would have done better with you than James. She might've reformed you a bit...anywho, you're mean, but you're one of my favorites still. Love you Snape (but still not as much as I love Ron...crap I said it again)

~Rhianna

Snape looked at it. He then muttered quietly, "How _dare _they… stupid _mail_… stupid life… Lily _would've _been better without that _Potter_…of _course _I'm awesome… stupid _Weasley_…"

Flower looked on. She crept up behind him, and then screeched right in the middle of his musings, "NEXT MAIL!!!!" Snape jumped, and then whirled around, his hair flaring out rather like a ballerina's tutu.

Flower: Oh. My. Gosh. Great story so far! Keep it up, girl!  
Luna: You're awesome and one of my favorite characters (the list goes on and on). If you would do the honor of bestowing the great Lion-chewing-up-Serpent Hat upon Snape, that'd be great. *coughPictures!cough* One more thing... List as many foods as you can in one minute, please!  
Dudley: Stand upon a scale; I've been curious as to how much a small whale weighs.  
Snape: Go figure-skating dressed up as a pine tree with a lollipop sticking out the top. And-wait, you'll love this (or Flower will, anyway)-It is officially Flower's choice what to do with you for a minute.  
~Cinnamon Sugar

Flower grinned. A whole minute! This would be fun. But to start, she looked to Luna, who was currently poking a large and… erm… _interesting_ hat. She grinned happily. "It's the real one! How'd it get here, though? Maybe a Hawronk! Wow, I've never seen one of those!" She looked around eagerly, as if expecting to see a"Hawronk" flying about. When none appeared, she shrugged and skipped over to Snape. She put the hat on his head and Flower took a picture. Abruptly the lion quit chewing up the snake and instead directed its attention on the man wearing the hat. Snape quivered, and then the lion reached its great maw down to take a bite. However, it couldn't quite reach. Then it seemed to give Flower a glance that said, "_Ah well, it was worth a try"_ and went back to chewing up the snake. Snape threw the hat off and it disappeared. Luna, meanwhile, was reading her other part. A timer appeared, set for one minute. Luna took a deep breath and started as Flower started the timer.

"Ham, cheese, butter, bread, lettuce, spaghetti, oranges, orange juice, Plimpy soup, milk, water, hamburger, granola, apples, banana, peaches, pears, chicken, chicken soup, turkey, sausage, rutabaga, carrot, rhubarb, blueberry pie, roast beef, normal beef, tomato, tomato soup, celery, mushrooms, scrambled eggs, toast, cereal, potato, sushi, and… umm…" she paused. Then, near the end of her minute, she said, "tacos!"

Flower was impressed. "That's thirty five foods! My personal best is twenty eight. Now for weighing Dudley. How does one weigh a whale, anyway?" She decided to start with the basics, and a normal bathroom scale showed up. Dudley attempted to stand on it, but it started beeping wildly and cracked down the middle. On to plan B. She thought hard, but she could only come up with two alternatives: a giant scale, or… yeah, just one solution then. The room, helpful as ever, extended itself and made a giant scale appear out of nowhere.

Dudley climbed on top, and the small screen near the bottom said… Well, they didn't know what it said until after Flower looked at it, her eyes widened, and she stopped mumbling. She turned around slowly, and said, "1,689 pounds! That's almost 768 kilograms! Dude, you need to lose some _serious _weight."

Dudley looked up. He lumbered off the vast piece of metal and ended up back in the room. He was done for now.

Snape, meanwhile, was hiding in some convenient curtains that had popped up in front of him. Unfortunately for him, he had failed to spot the huge neon sign on them that clearly advertised, "SNAPE IS HERE" with an arrow pointing to where he was. Needless to say, Flower found him fairly easily.

The room vanished the curtains (after putting Snape in costume, makeup and skates and everything), and suddenly an ice skating rink appeared. Flower smirked evilly in anticipation, camera set up and all. Mr. Snape, stumbled, tripped over his own skates, semi-righted himself, and continued wobbling towards the rink. His pine tree suit was not helping him balance, for it was made of real pine. Flower whispered into the wall as Snape reached for the door to the rink- and it was now on the other side of the ice. Snape glared at Flower, and then started his long trek to the other side. Eventually he got inside and promptly fell 47 times—

"Oh, there he goes again," said Flower, "What is it, now, 48 times?" She took at photograph. Moody, meanwhile, had been doing the math and now replied, "No, I think it's forty nine times he's fallen."

Flower nodded, and then briefly paused taking pictures to absorb the number. "Forty nine, that's –" but then he fell again, so she corrected herself. "Fifty times and he hasn't even moved two feet! I wonder how long this will take…"

Turns out, it took a little over a half hour to make him stay on his feet for 5 seconds (smashing the previous record of 0.0004 seconds). An hour later, his record had changed to four minutes (epic, I know) and Flower had stopped counting the falls at 1,537. Currently she was sitting on the floor looking through pictures and determinedly ignoring the crashes/pained groans emanating from the ice skating rink. When Snape was allowed to get out, he was healed and the last bit of the mail was yet to be dealt with. Flower had planned it out.

She put him in a small, confined, sound-proof space with a television. He eyed it warily and when the theme song of Barney and Friends appeared, he didn't jump. He'd seen these black boxes that lit up with colors at Lily's house back when he was nine or so, but not this one with the large purple monster. It started average, and he was starting to get comfortable. Suddenly, it was all ruined when a purple toy expanded into a giant monstrosity on the screen, gaping maw just ready to eat the small children. Snape screamed at the sight (and Flower was taping the whole thing, naturally). He attempted to calm down, but the large purple and green thing was... _hugging_ the children? What was the point in that!?

Snape was curled up in fetal position, sucking his thumb, by the end song. The repetitive high voices and stupid songs had invaded the conscious part of his brain, so the default drive had taken over while the rest of the mind tried to banish forever the stupid songs. It failed miserably. When he came out, he wasn't walking straight, had a dazed expression on and was lightly humming the clean-up song.

Flower grinned, crept up behind him, and shouted in his ear (which was disgusting, by the way) "NEXT MAIL!" He jumped, to say the least.

Hello Flower!  
To Snape: YOU ARE A BIG FAT MEANIE! I BET YOU SPIT ON PUPPIES!  
Flower, trap him in a room with Fluffy, oh and put him in a steak suit! Also, cover him in flowers!  
To Luna: You're fun, nice and make SURE you spread steak sauce on the meanies costume!  
To dudley: make him really hungry and trap him in a room with Snape in a cake suit!

~GetalifeSnape

Flower grinned. She would say something random right now.

"A toast to mad people! Come on, assorted beings, drink your tea."

As she said this, cups of tea appeared before everyone, but Flower took hers and dumped it all over Snape, who spun around, spluttering and fuming. Flower signaled for Luna to do something, which she did. Let's just say that Snape now had rather large bunny rabbit ears and appeared to be going crazy. Flower sighed, for she realized that he would have to be able to be put in a steak suit and thus would have to be in his right state of mind. Darn.

Eventually he was back to what can be considered normal, and Snape's vision went black. He attempted to take off his blindfold, in vain. (Flower was good at tying knots.)

"What the-" he was cut short as a huge steak suit was forced over his head. Luna had summoned a squirt gun full of steak sauce mixed with assorted (freshly picked, of course) flowers and was now shooting liberal amounts on him. She accidentally got some in his mouth, and he realized what was going on. "Oh no. Not his. Not that demon of a hound!"

But Flower was ruthless and she took off the blindfold, pushed him into an as-small-as-Fluffy-plus-one-person-can-fit-into room, and shut the door. He tried to back up into the no-longer-in-existence door, but through Fluffy's eyes, a huge steak covered in sauce and flowers was dancing in front of all three of his noses. Strange, yes, but it'd have to do. Unluckily for Snape, Fluffy didn't see his face of terror, for if he had he'd probably be rolling over laughing his three heads off, rather than attacking.

Snape didn't actually get hurt much. Yes, he _did _get a medium-large cut on his leg (incidentally, the same leg that Fluffy mutilated back when Harry was in First Year); yes, he _was _covered in a viscous mixture of slobber, mangled flowers, and steak sauce; yes, he _was _sort of almost sat on several times; yes, Fluffy _had _sort of eaten his costume so now Snape had only thin ragged robes and whatever else he'd had on before he went in; and yes, he _was _rather terrified- but no matter. He was still alive, wasn't he?

Flower let Fluffy go back to wherever the awesome magical room had gotten him from, and meanwhile she took a few pictures of Snape. He was healed (but not cleaned) and Flower decided to say another random thing. "Bye! Review! And when you come back, don't be late for TEA!" A rather large bucket full of tea dumped itself on Snape, and then the room provided him with a small tin of biscuits (to go with the tea).

A/N: Review? Pwetty Pweese? With pwetty cheese? And tea and biscuits, of course. Whoa, this is a long chapter.


	9. Enter Mystery Person

**A/N: I realize I forgot this bit of a mail, so I put it in this one! The bit of mail went:

* * *

**

**To dudley: make him really hungry and trap him in a room with Snape in a cake suit!**

**Also, one person reviewed with mail. Now normally I wouldn't put this in yet, I'd wait for the next one, but I specifically like a certain part of it. *grins evilly at Snape, who runs away and cowers*

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Not JKR… haven't undergone a terribly long and illegal procedure to get the rights… don't own it… hmm. Makes you wonder.**

Snape quivered. He was currently dressed in a giant cake suit. This was not a natural position for Severus Snape to exist in, especially as there was a whale-sized hungry monster foaming at the mouth whilst looking at Snape's highly realistic costume. Alas, 'twas not a natural position at all.

Flower took out her video camera. At the moment, the room had several areas: one third of it was a blocked-off-by-a-reinforced-glass-wall space in which Flower, Moody, and Harry (he'd wanted to come see the show) were sitting comfortably, and the rest of the space was split in two by another divider. On one side of said divider was an extremely hungry Dudley, and on the other was the pink-frosting-covered-cake suit man more commonly known as Severus Snape.

Flower pulled a lever, and the door rose. Dudley ran like he had rabies (he probably did). Snape screamed like a little girl, for Dudley was ripping his costume to shreds. Harry was videotaping, and everyone else was leaning forward, interested. Suddenly, Dudley stopped mutilating the fabric. He was confused. He cocked his head to the side and said, "It's not very good cake. Tastes funny."

Snape was relieved, but everyone else (especially Harry) was highly disappointed. The room changed back to as normal as the highly magical room ever could be and gave Dudley a large lollipop to get him to shut up.

Flower smiled "innocently". "There is another bit of mail," she said, "and normally this would go into the next one, but I believe I asked the wonderful reviewers to review, so it going in here."

Luna: You're a great girl. And Nargles do excsist.  
Dudley: You are not cool.  
Alastor: I want your Eye!  
Snape: You are one of my favorites characters. But I want Harry to give him a punch in the face.  
Flower: You rock

The authoress smiled. "Why thank you, Somebody. Lovely name, by the way. Very specific." The aforementioned authoress started writing a letter to Luna. She mumbled as she wrote. "To… Luna. We have a bit of mail for you, and it says that you're a great girl and Nargles do exist. Maybe next Friday we could go to Sweden and try catching a Crumple-Horned Snorkack? Owl me with your reply. Don't let the Nargles bite, Flower."

She gave it to a beautiful Great Grey Owl and it flew out the window (with the owl, of course). She looked to Moody. "That next bit, that's actually something I've wondered about. Where did you get that eye?"

Moody grunted something unintelligible. Flower raised an eyebrow (something she could always do but some people needed practice with).

Alastor mumbled, "I got it from my mum, all right? And no, you can't have it." Flower wondered if his mum had worn it, which then led to the question of what his mum even looked like, but she let it go and turned to Snape.

He recoiled at her gaze. Flower poked the wall and a door slid open with Harry there. He smiled cheerfully at Flower, shook hands with Alastor, and brandished his wand at Dudley, who promptly fainted with a crash that probably made an earthquake somewhere in Venezuela. Harry shrugged and moved on to Snape, the soon-to-be-punched idiot. The slimy git trembled. Harry cocked his head, aimed, and delivered quite a throw. Flower was impressed. "Where'd you learn that? They don't teach it at Hogwarts, do they?"

He replied, "No, they don't. But I've seen Dudley do it so many times I just copy him." Flower nodded. That made sense. Harry strode back through to where he came from, and Flower turned to inspect Snape. He now had a black eye. Eeeeeeeeeeenteresting. Very eeeeeeeeeenteresting. She took a picture and pushed a button absentmindedly. Snape was healed, and upon realizing this he sank to the floor.

Flower pushed another handy button and a door opened. Out strode…

Albus Dumbledore!

He shook hands with Flower, saying, "Good day Miss Flower."

She grinned. "You too Professor. Nice beard, by the way."

He smiled and thanked her, then nodded to Moody, again to Snape, and yet again at Dudley. Then he conjured a puffy chair and sat down.

There was a silence, in which Snape registered that Professor Dumbledore was here and was completely calm about the situation, and that he also knew Flower. Dudley was slowly edging away from the wizened headmaster in what he evidently believed to be a discreet manner, both hands clamped firmly over his rear end. Dumbledore himself was humming slightly.

Flower shrugged. That had worked out pretty well, actually. "Review! Please! With strawberries and ice cream and whatever else you want on top!" This statement got Dudley's attention, so she sighed and gently explained that he wasn't getting any strawberries or ice cream (not that he was interested in the strawberries- healthy food! Scandalous!), or anything else he wanted.

**A/N: DUMBLIE!!!! I want to see what's gonna happen!**


	10. Dumbledore's Mail

Disclaimer: Oh _no._ I've suddenly decided to go to the trouble of attempting to get the rights… seriously people, stop the rumors. It's bad for you. Karma, you know?

A/N: I've collected enough reviews to make this one!

" I presume you've found the reviews?" The wizened headmaster said, looking curiously at Flower.

She grinned. "As surely as a baked carrot."

Professor Dumbledore nodded slightly, backed away a little, and resumed his knitting. Judging by the length of the cloth, it was some sort of shawl… for a mountain troll.

Flower set up the projector, pointed it at Dudley, and turned it on. The blinding glare woke him from his drooling (eww) slumber. Once he was sufficiently awake (or, as the average person would put it, once he was screaming in agony for the "screen" to stop being an "idoit"), she turned it to Snape.

He was staring at a wall mumbling to himself about "stupid…. Potter… don't even get a wand… idiot, not idoit… stupid… why… hate… stupid... carrot…" and the light didn't seem to affect him. Flower turned the projector back to the wall and poked the wall, which provided her with a large stick. She cautiously prodded at him.

Suddenly, he turned around and let out a bloodcurdling scream with bloodshot eyes, spraying spittle everywhere. Luckily the room had provided Flower with an umbrella just in time, but even so she dropped her stick and replied in the way of another bloodcurdling scream, which he responded to with another, and so on. This continued for several minutes, until Dudley was shaking with fear. Dumbledore continued knitting. Flower realized that her throat rather hurt. The room provided her with a cough drop, which she graciously accepted. Then she began, finding Severus Snape rather well woken.

"Well, we have some reviews." There was an awkward silence. She put up the review. It said:

Flower your story is ausome i love it  
Luna u r my fav charater. keep up the coolness  
Dudley must that realy be ur name, all my friends laugh at me because that is my lst name :(. On a happyer note Flower you should make Dudley be alone in a graveyard with no food since Dudley means graveyard teader.  
Padfootgurl3  
p.s i have the unfortune task to tell snape my mum is ur bigest fan. She discrasis us all i know

Flower grinned. Her story had not yet died. This could be appreciated as a good sign. Luna was not there anymore, but she certainly was popular. Flower read Dudley's part to him and he turned white. Flower snapped her fingers, and the room expanded to a one-way mirror, with Dudley in a graveyard on one side, and everyone else on the other.

The fat quivering being in a cemetery had looked nervously around, and started to run in circles, with the obvious intention of actually getting somewhere. He stopped, looked around once again, and continued running. Flower had no idea what this was about, but she didn't do anything about it. Suddenly Dudley stopped again. He turned toward the mirror, coming closer. Flower yelled, "BOO!" at him, and he shrieked after about five seconds of a complete standstill. Flower just assumed this was really really really bad reflexes, but Dudley just kept running in circles. Eventually Flower grew weary of this activity, Dumbledore had finished his project (a cravat, it turned out to be, and it was a gift for a mountain troll as a matter of fact), and Dudley had gotten so tired and hungry that he had started chewing on his arm.

Everything turned back to normal and Dudley was given a large bowl of nachos. Snape read his part, and then he muttered something. The room provided him with a megaphone, but he didn't use it. Flower could only catch phrases, but they were enough to figure out what he was saying. "Can't be biggest… my mum said she… biggest fan… mummy always said… my biggest fan…"

Flower put the next mail up.

Yeah, my review came in the the story. But I'm in a evil mood en some characters are not going to be happy with this.  
Moody: You are cool. I'm nothing going too do with you.  
Professor Dumbledore: How long is your beard, exactly?  
Dudley: You are not going to be happy with me. I want you to be in a bananasuit when you are riding on rollerskates with a pink bow tie in your hair  
Snape: I'm from Holland, so I'm going to say something in Dutch. You wil never know what I say. Severus Snape, was je haar eens. Het lijkt op een een slijmerige slak. Now I want that you are ging to be attacke by 100 fangirls  
Flower: Thanks for putting my in the story. You and your story still rock.

Bye

Flower grinned. "No problem and thanks!"

"Can't be cool… Death Eaters can find me… no appreciation for vigilance…" grumbled Moody.

Professor Dumbledore had been about to conjure a measuring device when the room provided him with a tape measure. He put the start next to his chin, and Flower pulled the other end to the other end of his beard. She read the measure, raised her eyebrows, and seemed to go into a trance. To fix this, Professor Dumbledore let go of his end of the tape, making it snap back into the box end. Flower jolted awake, but she still remembered the number.

"Four feet, three inches, or 138.08 centimeters. Well, then. Another question: Have you ever cut your beard, and if so when was the most recent?"

The professor stood awhile in thought before replying, "I'm not quite sure, but I believe it was around when I was about twenty. Good times."

"And how old _are _you?"

"Oh, not very old- I turned 167 last month."

Flower nodded, poked the wall, and a roller-skating rink appeared out of nowhere. Dudley was suddenly in a large banana-suit, for which there appeared to be no arm-holes. There was one leg-hole, however; so both his legs were squashed into that. Perched upon his head was a huge neon-pink-frying-your-brain-bright bow. On his feet were neon-green-burning-up-your-cornea-to-look-at rollerskates. He was not happy. No one else was all that happy, either, as this was not the most aesthetically pleasing sight.

Flower pushed a button vindictively, and a platter of bright blue sweets appeared. She viciously took a bite out of an aqua puffy-looking candy, almost broke a tooth on the hard surface, and pushed another button. This made a finger come out of the wall of the skating area and poke Dudley (hard) in the belly.

Flower covered her ears. Then she stopped, looked, and listened. Silence. Then she stopped, dropped, and rolled. No effect, except for rolling over a stray pin and getting poked. She looked around. No one was there. She looked to the rink. Dudley was flying around the rink on a pink Pegasus unicorn, with a green and orange sombrero, and clogs over his rollerskates, with umbrellas tied to his ankles, singing the national anthem of Greece…

No. This couldn't be right. Everything went black. Slowly, Professor Dumbledore slid into focus. Flower sat up and looked around again. As Professor Dumbledore explained, she had passed out because of the obscenely loud and high-pitched noises coming from the throat of the jiggled fat blob on skates sliding around the rink. He was still going, and Moody was videotaping.

Flower watched. Then she poked the wall, and the rink disappeared. Dudley kept screaming, and running around in circles. Flower went over to him after 10 minutes. She poked him, to no avail. She waved her hand in front of his face. Nothing. She had Moody _Enervate_ him. Nada. Then the magical room gave her an ice cream cake. She dropped it on the floor, because a certain whale-sized being was rushing for it. She backed away, hands in the air.

While that was going on, Snape read over his bit. He attempted, and failed, to raise an eyebrow. He needed practice. Then he turned coolly to Flower. "That's it? Some gibberish?"

She grinned. "Keep going," she said, "Just keep going."

His eyes grazed over the text and he backed away. Flower cackled madly.

"Ha! You think you can escape? What an idea! You, a wandless git, against me, ruler of this magical room! You don't stand a chance!" And with a snap of her fingers, everyone (except Snape) was safely behind a divider. She poked the wall. A door opened, and a horde of wild-looking people stormed out, sniffing Snape out like a cat does a mouse. They cornered him. They tore up his possessions, fighting each other for every piece. Some of them brought scissors, and cut off locks of clumpy hair. Some of them swabbed his skin for DNA. By the end, half his stuff was gone (except the shoes: both of those had been taken). Flower pushed a button and he was healed, fixed, given shoes, and whatever else needed to be done. He sank to the floor (déjà vu).

Flower screamed, "NEXT MAIL! DÉJÀ VU!"

Albus! Yay Albus! You're awesome but I've got some questions for you. If you don't mind, how exactly old ARE you? And where did you get Fawkes? Fawkes is such an awesome Phoenix! Send him and Ron my love!  
~Rhianna :D

Professor Dumbledore smiled. "I believe I've told you how old I am- 167 for those of you with poor memories such as myself—"

He was cut off by an indignant Flower-"Your memory is amazing! You can remember from a hundred and forty years ago!"

He shook his head sadly and continued. "As to Fawkes, I was walking one day when he appeared and followed me everywhere until I named him. In fact, here he is now!" And he pulled a rather fluffy, frightened looking Fawkes out of his robe pocket.

Flower was startled by this apparition. So was Moody. Dudley screamed in a voice so high Flower didn't know was possible. She assumed that was his way of showing his fright.

She achieved the same effect by screeching in his ear, "NEXT MAIL!!!!!!!" This time he fainted, but the room provided a cupcake, which floated tantalizingly close to his nose. He immediately jumped up and devoured it. Flower had time enough to realize that there was no next mail. Ah well. She shook her head (déjà vu again) and said, "Well, bye then!"


	11. Enter S&J

Disclaimer: ditto the last one.

A/N: So two people come in this time, but only this time!

Flower looked around. A button appeared to her left. She ignored it and pushed an identical one that was to her right. A door slid open. Out came… Sirius Black. He walked in and sniffed Snape. Then he shuddered and went to a corner of the room. Now Flower pushed the button to her left, and another door slid open. James Potter walked out. He had on a dazed expression, and went to sniff Snape before joining Sirius in the corner. Snape shivered and walked to the opposite corner, where he sat, giving Sirius and James the Evil Eye.

Flower was the first to talk. "Hey guys," she said, going over to the two seventeen year olds. "So! You guys are here because I got an excellent tip-off from a friend to bring you in. You will be answering fanmail sent by assorted random people. You are not permitted to leave the room, but with Snape to torture I don't think you'll want to. This room is magical, and will do whatever I want it to in addition to providing whatever you need, whether you like it or not, like this-" she snapped her fingers without looking away from the two, and a kangaroo with rabbit ears and a pouch full of play-doh started beating up Snape. The two boys, taken aback, looked at Flower, who clapped her hands. The kangaroo turned into a fluffy pink teddy bear about the size of Sirius in dog form. Snape hugged it.

Sirius and James looked at each other, grinned evilly, and immediately started clapping their hands, snapping their fingers, stamping their feet and et cetera. Nothing happened. The boys looked crestfallen, but that soon changed when a plate of cookies appeared in front of them. When these were properly inhaled, the plate disappeared and the boys continued to look crestfallen. Flower made a small beeping noise, just to break the silence. Soon, Sirius and James took it up. The room slowly filled with annoying beeping noises. Snape was irritated, so he tore up his teddy bear to make earplugs. Flower turned away, to face the wondrous reviewers of awesomeness. "Review, please!"


	12. J&S's Mail

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Flower), I don't own the Potterverse, I don't own any cookies, and I haven't found a SINGLE jellyfish in my toaster! *sob*

A/N: Yeah, today will be a little crazy, due to the fact that I am currently hyper from inhaling every cookie in the house (cough-secret-stash-cough).

Flower grinned maniacally. She had gotten hungry, obtained a bowl of cookies, pretty much inhaled them, and now was bouncing up and down (how else does one bounce? Sideways?) on a huge trampoline. The same sequence of events had happened to both James and Sirius. Snape was talking to Dumbledore, the latter having found a huge platter of lemon drops and currently devouring them. Flower personally didn't think he was listening to Snape, judging by the rate at which the lemon drops were going down his gullet- but then her thoughts were interrupted by the fact that a huge black dog had replaced Sirius.

She petted its head, but James and the dog looked horrified. She calmly intoned, "I know about your transformations. I know about Remus's "furry little problem". I know that Albus has an infatuation with lemon drops. I know that you—" she pointed at James—"have one of Lily Evans' shoes hidden in your sock drawer. And I know that Severus, here, is not currently in possession of usable shampoo."

James had turned beet red, a phrase which Flower still didn't get why people used, and attempted to deny that he had Lily's shoe. Sirius, however, seemed to know this already. "Sorry, Prongsie, but when I was over at your place last summer I went exploring and found more of Lily's things than just a shoe," he cleared his throat," In your closet there are like four hats of hers. Under your bed you have the mask she wore to that ball way back in third year. In you kitchen cabinet you have about fifty pictures you drew of her during class, instead of taking notes, and—" he was cut off (ahem- almost strangled-ahem) by James, who was now not beet red but as red as a red banana. Yes, they do exist.

Anyway, he was that red as he was muttering, "You say I don't take notes? Look who's talking. I don't think staring at—" _He _was cut off by Sirius, also as red as a red banana, who attempted to strangle him. Flower pushed a button, Remus appeared, broke up the fight in about ten minutes, and left again.

Severus, meanwhile, was beet red- his equivalent of red-banana-red because he's so pallid to begin with. He was saying, "I do too have shampoo! I use it once a-" and then he thought better of what he was about to say. Flower looked at him. "Yes, I know you have shampoo. That's why I said _usable_ shampoo. Shampoo bought sixteen years ago, never opened, does not count." Then she grinned maniacally again. "NEXT MAIL!"

Hi Little Flower ;). Nice job with your story.  
First, Albus! Why are you OBSESSED WITH LEMON DROPS! It's just a Damn CANDY! And you terrorise children!  
To Draco: SHAME ON YOU! You should die...and be feed to lions.  
Luna: YOU ROCK Luna ! We all love Ravenclaws lunatics ;).  
Dudley: Worry not! I'll help you with your diet now that your a little good with harry .  
To Sev: Why didn't you fight to have Lily with you? You and Lily would have been a cute couple. [ No hard-feeling James!]  
James: Why did you have to be such an awful bully! *snif*  
Sirius: Did you felt sad when Regulus had die? Even if you thought he was with big V ! Last thing, go kill Miss Norris. You're doing a GOOD thing for HUMANITY!

Flower smiled nicely, for once. "Why thank you, Neyo-San." She bowed to no one in particular, then went off to go eat a muffin that had appeared before her. The wizened headmaster read his part, then smiled serenely.

"I was not under the impression I terrorized children- more of, how to put it, well, yes, terrorizing them. That works, I suppose. And I'm not obsessed."

Flower raised an eyebrow, and decided to test him. She walked up to him. "Hey, Professor," she said. Then she casually made as if to take a lemon drop from the huge bowl. Immediately, Professor Dumbledore grabbed the bowl and hugged it, giving Flower suspicious glances. She raised the other eyebrow.

"Yeah, he's obsessed."

Severus Snape, meanwhile, had read his bit. He threw a scathing look at James, and then said, "Well, insolent fool, do you think I would actually try fighting with Evans after what she did to _Potter_? I'm not an idiot."

James, meanwhile was grinding his teeth and being held back by Sirius, who looked bored. Flower snapped her fingers and James was in a cage. Sirius nodded at Flower, and suddenly decided to hum. As he continued, James fell asleep. Sirius heaved a sigh of relief and grinned. He opened the cage door, picked up a convenient marker off the floor, and began doodling all over James in permanent ink.

Flower had to stop him, though, because he had to answer a question. He looked up and gave her his best lost-puppy look, which was quite realistic, because he had past experience. It didn't work on Flower, and he scowled and read his part. He lost no time in answering. "Regulus died? Yes! I'm not going to be sad at _all_! Why bother with scum like him, licking the shoes of Moldyshorts, anyway? And of course I'll kill Miss Norris."

Flower clapped. A panel of wall slid to the left, revealing… more wall. Flower frowned, and clapped again. More wall. Soon she was applauding wildly, to no avail. She stomped her foot in frustration and a panel of wall on the opposite side of the room slid to the right to reveal a glass door. Flower noticed this and went through her cue cards, trying to find the one that opened the glass door. Eventually she found it and clapped her hands seven and three-quarter times. The door opened. Argus Filch slinked out, clinging to Ms. Norris for dear life. Flower stepped up to him, stole the cat, and had him bound so he wouldn't come murder her for taking his precious. Flower handed the cat to Sirius, told him to wait, and went over to a sink in the wall. She washed her hands of old-cat smell, ignoring Filch's moans of despair.

She came back, hands now smelling like lavender and chamomile. Sirius began by setting Ms. Norris down. Then he transformed into his Animagus form and began chasing the cat everywhere. For safety reasons, Flower put up a glass box around herself, but James was still in a cage, Dumbledore had created his own means of safety, and she didn't care about Severus or Filch.

Ten minutes later, there was a triumphant Sirius, a happy Flower, a bleeding Severus, a smiling serenely as always Dumbles, a still-sleeping James, a sobbing Filch, and a dead Ms. Norris. Flower turned the dead smelly cat over with her toe and shuddered. Then she took a few pictures of Filch (not the cat- why waste space?) and snapped her fingers. The cat was not awake, washed, hissing and spitting, and luckily in a cage. The all-powerful Flower handed the shrieking pet-carrier over to Filch, who was still crying but now for joy. He clutched the cage to his chest protectively, glared suspiciously at Sirius, and left via the door he came through.

"Well, now that that's done," Flower said, "James, you need to get up." She kicked him lightly. No response. Ah well then, she'd have to go the fun way. She pushed a button and a door slid open, behind which was a Miss Lily Evans. She raised an eyebrow at the scene before her, intrigued as to why James was in a cage and snoring, Sirius was devouring something or other, Snape was moodily glancing around, and Dumbledore was knitting serenely in a chair- all while a mysterious girl to the left watched to see what would happen.

James sniffed the air, breathing more deeply in his sleep. Then he recognized the scent, and bolted upright to find Lily. She was watching him carefully. He was let out of the cage by Flower, who was saying something along the lines of, "their arguments are famous. . . want to see one. . . ." to Dumbledore, who nodded seriously and scrutinized the redhead being approached by the scruffy-haired boy.

Flower looked over at Lily. She was wearing Hogwarts robes, with a Head Girl badge pinned to the front. She was also glaring murderously at James, as though daring him to come any closer. Of course, he took up the challenge.

"Hey, Lily-kins—"

"JAMES BLOODY POTTER! I TOLD YOU _NOT_ TO CALL ME _LILY-KINS!_"

He backed off quickly, a wise decision, but was now red-banana-red; not a good sign.

Flower watched interestedly, lightly taking in how James's fists curled up and Lily's eyes narrowed. The room provided her with earplugs as the shouting began.

"YOU CAN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M JAMES POTTER, THE SCHOOL-FAMOUS QUIDDITCH PLAYER!"

"IF YOU'D DEFLATE YOUR EGO, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR A BRAIN!"

"THERE'S THESE COOL NEW THINGS LILY, THEY'RE CALLED _LIVES_!"

"YES, I KNOW; YOU SHOULD REALLY GO GET ONE!"

And then, simultaneously: "I CAN'T _BELIEVE_ YOU!"

Flower gave Lily a chocolate bar, which calmed her down (why _else_ do you think she was okay with Remus?), and sent her on her way. James was now awake—it'd be weird if he weren't.

He read his part sullenly. Then he said, "I'm not a bully!" and went to a corner, away from the group. The room handed him tissues, but they were pushed away resentfully.

Then Severus Snape realized how much trouble James had taken over Lily, forgave him completely, was never mean or spiteful again, and handed out candy at every class. Yeah, right. But he did, umm… continue sulking?

Flower sighed. She now had _two _sulky characters. She devised a plan. An ingenious plan. It involved cookies. She clapped her hands, ready for the excitement, and brightly colored umbrellas were given to everyone, but James's was ignored. It started sing rather annoying tunes to which no one knows as of yet the name, but when he tried to strangle it, it gave up and Flower took a picture of a stressed, seventeen year old wizard in a corner, strangling a brightly colored beach umbrella. Ah yes, good times.

She clapped again and it started to rain—but it was not normal rain; it was raining _cookies_! Every kind of cookies imaginable was falling from the ceiling. James looked up in wonder, troubles forgotten. He opened his mouth, got a grass-flavored-Bertie-Bott-Bean-infested cookie down the hatch, and decided to close it again. Snape, on the other hand, had been busy opening his umbrella—which was useless because the fabric had been taken out.

Flower summoned two bits of parchment, a pink sparkly embossed piece of paper, and a pencil (she'd had trouble with quills lately, due to unfixable spelling errors), and began to write on the pink one, stopping the rain.

"To… Draco. We've recently received a review… that tells us… to tell you… SHAME ON YOU… You should die...and be fed to lions. Not my words… although… they portray them… pretty well… How's the Spattergroit? I still remember... when you screamed like a little girl… when confronted with a computer... Lions eating snakes… Flower."

She switched papers to a plain one.

"To… Luna. We've gotten a review… that says… to tell you… YOU ROCK Luna… and that… we all love Ravenclaw lunatics… and… smiley-face. Another review… says… everybody should respect you more… and that… you aren't loony. With flowers… Flower."

"To… Dudley. We got a fanmail… that says… worry not… I'll help you… with your diet… now that your… a little good with harry. No… we won't… leave you alone. Hope you meet… a Dementoid… Flower. P… S… was your mum… or you, for that matter… freaking about the… owl? If she was… I'm not sorry."  
She was supplied with three owls—one tawny, one snowy, and one pigmy—and sent them off. (The tawny, which had the shortest temper and was the most likely to bite, was sent specifically to Number 4, Privet Drive.) She screamed.

"NEXT!"

Hi everybody!  
Sirius: You're awesome and stuff, but you were always such a meanie to Snapey :( yeah, Snape was a bit of a git but you basically all tortured him. Meanine. But you're my Mum's favorite charater and she thinks you should of spent more time with Harry...though since you're seventeen I'm not even sure you know who that is yet. *Shrugs* oh well.  
James: You were really quite a meanie to Snapey too. Poor Snapey (will he ever be the same after these Fanmail thingies?) I liked you, then I didn't like you, then I liked you and now I don't know if I like you or not anymore.  
Flower: I'm felling random, so I'm gonna spew out some Dumbledore quotes I believe I randomly memorized, feel free to check the sixth book, if it's handy, to see if I'm right.  
Here's the first one:  
'Very astute, Harry,' Dumbledore said, 'but the mouthorgan only ever was a mouthorgan.'  
And on that engimatic note, Dumbledore waved and Harry understood himself to be dismissed.  
I'm not sure if there was the 'Dumbledore said' and a couple of commas pro'ly will be missplaced but other than that I think I'm right :D.  
The Second one:  
'No, nothing,' said Dumbledore, and a great sadness filled his face, 'the time has long since gone when I could frighten you with burning wardrobes and force you to make payment for your crimes, but I wish I could Tom, I wish I could.'  
Uh..there! My bout of randomness is over. Er...yay!  
That's all, I think! Bye!  
~Rhianna :D

Everyone read it at the same time, so there was a chorus of "Hi!" from everyone except Snape. He sullenly regarded the screen, giving it the evil eye. Sirius spoke first.

"I knew I was awesome already."

Flower rolled her eyes. Personally, her theory number K184H section 17 thought that after the word awesome, Sirius's mind went blank; but the aforementioned 17-year-old continued.  
"Yeah, I guess we _do_ torture him… just a bit, though!"

Flower now raised an eyebrow. There goes theory number K184H section 17. But really. A bit?

"I'm not sure who you're talking about, with Harry and whatever; the only Harry I know of is James's uncle Harry. And your mum has good taste." He winked.

James looked thoughtful. "I like the name Harry. It's a perfect name. I shall name all my sons Harry."

Flower had an odd vision of twelve identical boys running around in a yard, and James calling, "Harry! Come eat your supper!" Then all twelve boys stampeded their father. Yeah, she wasn't sure how that was going to work.

James continued. "And yeah, I was sort of a meanie. I suppose. But bothering Snivellus is so much fun! And a suggestion for liking me or not: like me. Don't hate, celebrate, right?"

Flower reread her part. "I will check the sixth book, just to be sure. And no, Snape will never be the same. The first one is"—she was given a hardcover copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince—"as I quote, "'Very astute, Harry, but the mouth organ was only ever a mouth organ.' And on that enigmatic note he waved to Harry, who understood himself to be dismissed." Very good! Almost perfect! And the second one is: "'No, nothing,' said Dumbledore, and a great sadness filled his face. 'The time is long gone when I could frighten you with a burning wardrobe and force you to make repayment for your crimes. But I wish I could, Tom. . . . I wish I could. . . .'""

Flower grinned. "_Very _well done! NEXT!"

Thank you flower for putting up my review everybody sould respect Luna more she is not luny. I have a question for Sirus my Favotate charater, well tied with Luna. Why are you sometimes called Snuffles?  
Padfootgurl3

p.s do you like my pen name Sirus

Sirius puffed out his chest at being the center of attention. James poked him in the ribs, and he scowled, rubbing his side. He read the name.

"Hey that's cool! Padfootgurl! Ha, James, you don't have a _reviewer_ named after you, do you! No you don't!" Then he read the post-script and his face reddened. Then Sirius actually read the mail, and became red-banana-red. He answered cautiously. "I'm called Snuffles… because… um… I wanted to be called Snuffles. Yeah, that's it—"

He was cut off by Flower.

"Really, now. How interesting. Because I was under the impression that the _Lemur Incident had a lot to do with it—_"

He flushed again. "Okay fine. I was …"

Flower handed him a microphone, motioning for him to restart.

"So I was like four—"

James snorted.

"Okay, like eight—"

He snorted again.

"Fine, I was eleven. Happy? Anyway, so I was in first year and there was this one girl who called me Snuffles… Because I was… _challenged_ at that age—"

James broke out into laughter. "Challenged? _Challenged? _Oh yeah, you could say that… or you could say that you were completely off-your-rocker bonkers!"

A fresh wave of scarlet colored Sirius's face. "Well, yeah… I was… emotionally challenged."

James grinned. "And now the rest of us will bug him about it 'till doomsday. Or, at least I will. Remus and Pete don't seem to bother with it much."

Flower nodded. "NEXT!"

Flower: REALLY REALLY REALLY good story! put snape in a room with james and sirius for 44 minutes allowing them to do whatever they want with him (except do anything uncureable because snape is funny) also take dudley and put him in a cake the size of the great wall of china. oh, and also with the name, yeah. i went i am going to try to get 1000 characters used so here we go! also i am overusing the word also aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Flower nodded slowly, and began backing surreptitiously away from the screen. "Hehe… thanks… umm… person. Nice name, Person. Good to know you're not an evil rabbit, or something."

She turned around, pushing a button at the same time, and a room appeared. In it were Snape, James, Sirius, and a timer set for exactly 44 minutes. James and Sirius first went into a corner, conversed for about three minutes, then waved their wands in several complicated figures. Snape was trying to find an exit.

Stepping carefully, the teenagers did what looked like a ballet over the floor, only stepping on certain patches, to Snape. Then Phase One began.

"_Bother!"_ James pushed Snape toward Sirius.

"_Bother!"_ Sirius pushed Snape toward James.

"_Bother!" _James pushed him again.

"_Bother!"_ Sirius pushed him again.

"_Bother!"_

"_Bother!"_

After about two minutes of this, Snape could not take any more. He huffed and stalked out of Sirius and James's reach. The two hooligans sat down in synch on newly conjured lawn chairs, eating provided popcorn in synch.

Snape stepped forward. Then he turned into a pink kangaroo holding a jar of mayonnaise and a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. He turned back to the two boys and raised an eyebrow, giving them a "_Really?"_ look. Flower took a picture.

The kangaroo hopped forward, and turned back into Snape. Then it started pouring rain all over him. However, he was given an umbrella, which he worked frantically to open. Shoving it over his head, he was showered with glue. He glared at James and Sirius. He put the umbrella down, because it had stopped raining. Covered in glue, he didn't seem very threatening, but he made his way back anyway—and slipped on a banana peel. Then, sliding onto another bit of floor, he was covered in glitter and feathers. Flower took another picture. Snape got up carefully, stepping over to James and Sirius, and jumped three feet (about 0.9144 meters) because the timer went off, sounding oddly like one Eileen Prince screaming about her son's values and beliefs.

Flower snapped her fingers. The screaming stopped, everyone was back to as normal as they could be, and she shrieked loud enough to wake the dead, "LEFT!".

Everyone was confused. Very confused. Flower nodded briskly towards the screen. "You see, I can't do that other bit, with Dudley, because I have a contract with all the characters—I can't bring them back in until at least five chapters after they leave. NEXT!"

hmmmmmmmmmmmm...you dont suppose you could...have james set snape on fire and have sirius randomly blast him with lasers contantly?also...have dumbledore call him "oh greasy haired byotch"and then kick him in the balls?IM A SNAPE HATER!WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO DOWN WITH SNIVELIS!although strangly my mom loves him too..:/P.S.I LOVE LUPIN PUT HIM IN!and i am not A RABIN FANGIRL SO I DO NOT ACTUALLY LOVE HIM OR ANYONE ELSE ON THIS DAMN HELL CALLED EARTH!

She turned, ready to tell the two Marauders to get going, only find that they'd already gotten a blazing fire on Snape's robes, and were currently looking around for lasers. Flower remembered that lasers could potentially kill someone very bloodily, and as such they were not allowed. She would make up for this, however, to the best of her ability. Clapping her hands, she gave them large clubs made of warm blue lasagna. They took these with awe, holding them carefully. Then they crept up on Snape, who was too busy trying to put out his third favorite set of identical ragged robes.

While they were beating the snot out of him, Flower was taking pictures. It was interesting; she'd had no idea one could get bruises from lasagna, let alone a concussion. After a few minutes, Snape had two black eyes, a black nose, lots of other bruises, and about eight teeth left. She cured him and read the next bit. Dumbles looked at Flower, raising an eyebrow as if to ask whether he really had to or not. Flower nodded, and he did as told, English accent and everything. While Snape was sprawled on the floor clutching his, well, parts, Flower was reading the next mail.

Hi, it's me again! This is really for the last chapter, and since it's been a while since your last update, I'm asking my dear evil cousin Hannah to send in some fanmail too. Here's her fanmail:  
Let me start off with I really enjoy your story and love your username (its the name of my rabbit... which died). Anyway I have a dare for Snape Snape Snapey Snape as I call him I dare Snape to... eat a pie! He deserves it I feel so sorry for him. For J&S I dare them to make up for ruining Snape's life by doing all he tells them. And Dumbledore you're you so I'm leaving you alone so I don't have anymore so hoping I someday will be evil ruler of the universe I sign off to watch wonderful Indian T.V. that I don't understand.  
-Hannah of darkness |;K  
Yeah, so that's Hannah's fanmail-ish stuff (she even wrote it herself). It took a while to write considering how we got distracted by the lovely cobwebs and the awesome Indian (as in from India) speaking TV show which is mentioned above (don't ask me why it's on my TV, it just was when I got back from school). I believe that's all!  
Bye!  
~ Rhianna :D

Flower nodded. "Thank you, and sorry about your rabbit; I do love rabbits. Except when they leave… presents all over the lawn. And have fun with your Indian T.V. that you don't understand—I'm sure it's very entertaining."

Snape had gotten up now. He'd read the piece, and looked at Flower with a glimmer of… was that _hope_ in his eye? So it was possible after all! Flower sighed and snapped her fingers. A Victorian-style dining room set showed up, including the finest silken puffy chairs and monogrammed napkins. There was a pot of tea, a bunch of cups, and a large pie at one end. Sitting smack-dab on the middle of the table was a fancy doily, on which rested an engraved glass cake stand, on top of which was a chimpanzee eating some sushi. Flower frowned and had the room get rid of the chimp. Eating the sushi, she motioned for Snape to begin.

He walked tentatively over to the table and sat down. Everyone was silent. Shaking, Snape picked up a fork. He poked the pie, got a bit on the fork, and took a bite. A few seconds later he was gobbling the apple pie as if he'd never tasted such a thing. Flower caught it all on video, of course. When he was done, he dropped his fork with a clang and belched. Flower pinched her nose as best she could while holding the video camera in one hand and the sushi in the other.

Flower stopped the camera, pausing to look for Sirius and James. She found them uncharacteristically hiding behind a bush. Dragging them out, she handed them to Snape, videotaping all the while.

"I… want you two… to… do everything I say… with _no_ practical jokes… at all."

The boys ground their teeth and nodded.

"Now… do the splits as far as you can go!"

They tried; they honestly did. But they couldn't get very far without falling over abruptly. Flower took pictures, switched out the camera batteries, and kept taking pictures. A few minutes later, Snape had invented a new torture. _Levicorpus_-ing them to hang by their ankles and binding them there, he was given an axe. Advancing slowly, holding the blade menacingly, he grabbed the end of Sirius's hair. The teenaged boy glanced at his locks, then at Snape, then back at his hair. He gulped.

Snape pressed the blade to Sirius's mane, not yet severing the strands. Sirius let out an earsplitting shriek anyway. He cried like a small child, but Snape hadn't done anything yet. Snape switched his axe for scissors, and cut off about a centimeter of hair off of one strand. Sirius screamed as if he'd been cut up with the axe. Flower had been taking blackmail pictures when Snape turned to James. James seemed fine; actually, his hair didn't seem to bug him. Snape, however, seemed to have other ideas.

He whispered something to Flower, and she said, "Can it be fixed?"

"Of course it can; this is a magical room, no?"

"I suppose…"

Snape made as if to push the button on the wall, but Flower stopped him. "No. You are not allowed to push the wonderful buttons of awesomeness!" Glaring at him, she slammed the button. James's broomstick, a Nimbus 37, floated forward; it only came out the month previously, where (when, I suppose) James came from. James's eyebrows appeared as though it wished to escape its current position on his forehead. His eyes widened, looking in shock at Snape.

"No. You wouldn't."

"Yes, yes I would." And with that, Snape broke his broom—snapped in half, it wasn't going to be much help on the pitch.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU, YOU EVIL BEING!"

Flower took blackmail pictures. Snape looked as if he were trying to savor the look on James's face, imprint it into his brain if he could. Flower pushed a button and the broomstick fixed itself. James stopped crying and looked up at it in reverence. He struggled to punch Snape, but Flower made him swear by Lily Evans not to harm Snape. James grudgingly consented to her terms.

Flower sighed. Another chapter almost complete—how fast things have gone. But this one was not yet complete. Clapping her hands, she got everyone's attention. Then she realized that James and Sirius were still upside down. She pointed this out to Snape, who reluctantly brought them to the ground with two thuds. Flower scowled at Snape.

She snapped. A large screen came out of nowhere—spy cameras showing Surrey. They zoomed in all the way, focusing on Number 4, Privet Drive, in Little Whinging. Through a window, the inhabitants of Dudley's bedroom could be perceived—Dudley, shivering on the bed with a few scratches and cuts on his arm; Petunia, fainted on the ground, also with scratches; and Vernon, attempting to fan Petunia back into consciousness. On the floor was a letter lying face up and a few tawny feathers. Vernon turned around. He saw the letter, frowned, and picked it up. Eyes scanning the page, he mouthed the words, _help with diet… good with Harry_. Then he fainted across the remaining floor space.

Flower pushed a button. The screen switched to show the Ravenclaw Tower. Beautiful and aesthetic as it was, Luna (with her Spectrespecs, of course) seemed a bit out of place. A pigmy owl sailed through the window, landing on Luna's arm. It chirped at her. She saw it, took the letter off its leg, and gave it a chunk of biscuit. It accepted the treat and devoured it while she read.

"To Luna. We've gotten a review that says to tell you, YOU ROCK Luna and that we all love Ravenclaw lunatics and smiley-face. Another review says everybody should respect you more and that you aren't loony. With flowers, Flower."

She smiled, remembering the good times she'd had in the odd steel room. These letters were very nice. She put the letter aside and kept reading the article on Stubby Boardman in the Quibbler.

Flower pushed a button and it switched to the Slytherin Common Room. The green light illuminated two figures near the entrance, three more near the dormitory entrances, and several more scattered about. The ones near the dormitory were talking in low voices. Two were fat, the one in the middle slimmer. A snowy owl fluttered through the door with two more people. The owl made straight for the slimmer one near the dormitory entrance. Draco Malfoy looked up at it in confusion. Grabbing the letter, he unfurled it. Immediately he was covered in pink glitter and held a sparkly letter.

James and Sirius snickered.

The room on the screen erupted in laughter. Several people whipped out cameras and took pictures. Draco hurried up the stairs, flushing to match his décor. The letter was abandoned at the foot of the stairs—a great mistake, as one Blaise Zambini picked it up. Reading it, he grinned and showed the nearest Slytherin, who laughed and passed it on.

Flower actually felt semi-sad for him. Then she remembered one last thing. "Oh, right. Snape, two chapters ago, a review came in from Somebody. They told me to tell you something in Dutch, which I did. Then they told me to tell you what they said, on your last chapter, in English; a final goodbye, if you will. Here goes; in Dutch, they said- Severus Snape, was je haar eens. Het lijkt op een een slijmerige slak. In English, it's- Severus Snape, wash your hair once. It looks like a slimy snail."

Snape raised an eyebrow. Flower continued.

"So, technically, since it _is _a fanmail, you _have_ to wash your hair." She snapped her fingers and a washbasin appeared, along with about fourteen each of shampoo, conditioner, and assorted dandruff control products.

James and Sirius gave up attempting to rein in their laughter and rolled around crazily on the floor.

Snape scowled at them, then chose a black bottle of shampoo. He selected the matching conditioner and dandruff control. He paused, looking at Flower. She motioned for him to continue.

He reluctantly began to rinse his hair. Flower told him what to do—he hadn't any experience. Fifty minutes of spills, lathering, rinsing, and repeating later, Flower examined his hair. It seemed fine—she dried it off and took a closer look. Then she realized that it was normal. It was long, yes, and smelled rather funky, but it wasn't greasy. Her task was complete. James and Sirius were muttering in a corner.

"Never thought I'd see the day…." James said.

"D'you reckon it'll stay that way?" asked Sirius.

"No, it'll go back."

"Five Galleons says it's been rinsed enough to be clean for life. I've never seen such a long wash." Sirius wagered.

"Ten says it'll be back to usual in ten minutes—greasy and disgusting is its nature."

Sirius agreed and they turned back. Going to check the level of grease, they leaped back in surprise. Already, the hair was oiled and grimy, so much so that one would think it'd never been washed. Sirius grumbled and handed over the ten Galleons. James smirked.

"Told you so."

"What, are you five years old now?"

"Maybe."

"Well, it fits your attitude. Gosh, I just sounded like Evans."

"So you did, my feathered friend."

"What the Rowling?"

"Good question."

"You're impossible."

"I try."

"As do I, Jamesie, as do I."

Flower turned away, leaving them to mock-verbal-battle. "That's all for now!"

A/N: OH MY GOSH I'M SO _SO __**SO**_SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG—exams and preparation exams and all the other goop the teachers pile on us. And then I had to go to a wedding—ugh, I'm sorry. But, one last thing, I don't know if you people knew this, but Snape is now gone, as are Draco, Luna, and Dudley. So I can send owls, but I can't bring them back until there've been five chapters in between (give them a rest—it increases effect). So right now, I technically could bring Dudders, Luna, or Draco back in. But I won't—not yet. (Ominous ending…)


	13. Enter RP

Disclaimer: Alas, I don't own it, just as I don't own… a red convertible Maserati Spyder. Shame.

A/N: It's SUMMER! (Takes deep breath) Phew. That's done. An AWESOME friend, Random Lily Flower on here, is making the pictures that Flower takes—she's starting them from Chapter one and the links to them are on my profile. Go look at them! NAUGHW!

James and Sirius gave Snape a goodbye present and card. Snape had looked genuinely surprised and possibly happy to see it, wrapped as it was in bright red paper. He carefully picked up the card. It was a cream-colored embossed slip of paper with the words, "We are sorry to see you go…" on the front. He opened it and read the inside.

"I'm Nutritious. What the Rowling?"

James and Sirius held up a finger each, telling him to wait. Snape closed the card. Suddenly, in his place, was a huge bunch of broccoli.

James told it, "Well, you did say you were nutritious." It stamped its stem on the floor in frustration. Then it turned back to Snape, but he was wearing a large broccoli costume. He scowled through the mouth-hole in the costume, which was made out of actual broccoli.

Then he picked up the gift. He held it carefully, and pulled on a ribbon. The rest of the paper immediately fell off. A cardboard box. Nothing special. Then he opened it, and sidestepped the wave of glitter that shot out. He smirked at James and Sirius, who were smirking back. Just as the fact that Sirius and James smirking wasn't a good idea hit Snape Snape Snapey Snape, a bunch of Hunt's Tomato Ketchup (the favorite of one Welsh Greenback) flew out of the box to cover his face. Some maple syrup splattered him as well. A small turtle peeked out of the box.

"Aww, cute! It's a turtle," Flower cooed, "He's so _small_!" She picked him up and placed him on Snape's head. Then he piddled. On Snape's hair. Flower took a picture.

Snape growled.

Flower cleaned the turtle up and put him in a tank in a corner. She named him Yertle, and a small plaque with his name appeared beside the tank.

Snape was sent through a door—messy as ever—and as soon as he thought the door was closed, he fainted through the portal to his own world. The Slytherins would be receiving an… interesting surprise in their common room….

"Well, here's to the new person!"

A door opened and Remus Lupin, closely followed by Peter Pettigrew, walked in. Remus frowned at the sight of Flower, and pulled out his wand. When he saw Dumbledore, however, his frown lightened and he lowered the wand. Upon sight of James and Sirius, he smiled and walked over to them. Peter followed.

Flower smiled and introduced herself, along with explaining what was going on. Two seventeen year olds nodded politely, and the other two looked bored out of their minds. Three guesses who did what.

As Sirius and James looked bored out of their minds, Remus and Pete introduced themselves.

"Hi. I'm Remus Lupin."

Flower smiled back. "I'm Flower. I know you're a werewolf."

Remus paled and looked down, as if he were ashamed. "Oh. Okay then."

"I don't _blame _you for it, if that's what you're mopey about. You're a good person, just with a furry little problem."

Remus's smile crept back onto his face. Peter spoke next. "Hullo, Flower. I'm Peter Pettigrew."

Flower half-smiled. "Hi, Peter. I've heard a lot about you."

The Marauders looked confused. "We haven't talked about Pete," said James.

Flower grimaced inwardly. She knew more than they did about Peter.

Flower grinned at the crowd. "Review, for the Wormtail's sake!"

Remus, and Pete jumped, and looked at each other. She knew? _She, _some random lady that dragged them out of their proper universes, _knew_? No. It couldn't be. Must be coincidence. Big coincidence.

Then Sirius and James told them that she knew about their transformations already. This didn't help.


	14. RP's Mail

Disclaimer: Until I obtain a jellyfish out of my toaster, I'm not to become Joanne Kathleen Rowling. Or Bryant Oden.

A/N: I'm happy. Yay.

Flower was a better actress than she appeared to be. She continued reading some book about the influence of spiders in ancient Finnish architecture, or something. Convincing as she was, she was really concentrating on the Marauders' conversation in the corner.

"…does she _know_ so much about us? It's unnerving."

"It's like she could open some book and _read _all about us!"

Flower's snort was quickly transformed into a hacking cough.

"Do we have biographies?"

"Don't be daft, Pete, you sound like Snivellus."

"James, lay off!"

"What? Moony, he was being _daft_! It's against our code of honor to be _daft_," said Prongs, spitting out the word as if it were poison.

Flower heard the _whoosh_ of parchment being flourished.

"Look here, Prongs. The Marauder code of Honor. It says _nothing_ about being daft!"

"Guys, we're off track again."

"How uncharacteristically responsible of you, Padfoot."

"Aww, big words, Jamesiepoo," came the reply.

"Why thank you, Paddy, I do try."

A new voice entered the fray.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Flower said.

All four boys tensed, looked at each other, then said in unison, "Erm... Nothing."

She sighed. They would find out the answer to their question shortly after leaving her Room of Awesomeness.

James broke the awkward silence very loudly. "So, aren't we supposed to answer some fanmail, or something?"

"Always eager," said Flower. "Well, here goes. You reviewers, just to let you know, I'd _really _appreciate it if you could let me do more stuff in my Room of Awesomeness, and less in letters—or, to put it bluntly, please lessen the amount of reviews for people who're gone. I will bring back Dudley, Draco, and Severus, sometime in the near future. But I have a list specially made so certain people are in at the same time. I will take requests for who you think should come in, but it might take a little while. "

HELLO!(Also BOO! to Snape to scare him)  
I luv this story so far(if u couldn't tell I'm American). Anywho! Here are my questions.  
Dumbledore: Did you ever think to check on Harry over the eleven years that he was at the Dursleys to be sure he wasn't hurt *Cough abused cough*  
James: I would very much like to see you finally get your kiss with Lily Po-er Evans.  
Sirius: I would like to see you dressed up in one of those doggy costumes they make in your Padfoot form.  
And Snape: What is with your hair? Why have you never thought to wash it before? Did you think the greasyness would make Lily love you?  
And that is it  
DEFY GRAVITY!  
webeta123

First, everyone chorused, "Hi, Webeta!"

Flower started. "Thank you. Honestly, I'm never going to get used to the fact that people _like_ my writing—it's definitely not what my English teacher thought."

Dumbles spoke up, looking away from his knitting. Having finished his cravat, he'd now begun a vast vest; Hagrid's next birthday present. "It was an old man's mistake—"

Flower interrupted. "Do you _always_ say that?"

Dumbledore smiled. "Miss Flower, I do believe I was getting to answering the question."

Flower motioned for him to continue.

"It was an old man's mistake, the fact that I never visited. I did contemplate going to check on him. It was disregarded for several reasons. One was that he was in a pure area, with no one around that would mollycoddle him, and I didn't trust myself not to mollycoddle. The boy had been through so much, at such a young age! Secondly, I wanted him to lead as normal of a life as he could before getting pulled into Hogwarts and lessons and whatever adventures he was to get up to—therefore making it impossible to visit when Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were… opposed… to wizard kind in general. I made sure that they didn't stop protection, that they didn't boot him out, but that didn't require much on my part."

Here was a silence in which James read him part and fainted in happiness. Sirius read his and raised an eyebrow at Flower. "Doggy costumes? How insane are these muggles?"

"Eh, it can't be helped."

Flower snapped and a changing room appeared. Sirius bounded over to it, eager for new adventures. Flower could practically hear his grin fall off his face when he saw the choices. A shriek came from the changing room: "What are _these_? Who would make such bloody _ugly_ clothes?"

In the following few minutes, Flower passed on Snape's news, finishing up just in time to see Sirius coming out reluctantly. The black, shaggy dog was clothed in a pink cardigan, an oddly shaped hat, and a bow on his head. Small booties covered his paws. Flower took pictures, thinking all the while that he looked rather like one Dolores Umbridge. Now they'd just to wait for James. Sirius sped up the process considerably, going over to James and stepping on his stomach. James got up, only to see the demented-looking Padfoot, making him scream. Flower took a picture as James calmed down.

"Is that you, Padfoot? What've they _done_ to you? You look like some demented toad!"

Three minutes later, Lily had been summoned, Flower had told her what was going on, and Lily had adamantly refused.

To quote her: "I'm not going to kiss that pig; he's too arrogant for his own good! Why would I enlarge his ego? It's already the size of Hogwarts."

James made puppy-dog eyes; Lily gave him a death glare.

He stepped forward; she stepped back.

James swooped toward her; she screeched, "Aaaaah, dementor!" and cast her patronus.

A doe cantered forward, ready to protect, but the threat was gone. James had fainted from happiness. Lily raised an eyebrow, then borrowed Flower's camera and took the blackmail photos herself.

James got up slowly, speechless. He attempted to talk, and sounded somewhat like a goat being strangled, so he shut his mouth. He tried again, clearing his throat.

"Umaghughdogh…"

Lily backed away as if he were a rabid dog. James shook his head vehemently and crawled over to her. He said two words.

"Expecto patronum."

A stag trotted over to join Lily's doe. Now Lily was speechless. Flower motioned for her to get on with it, but she shook her head.

"He can't be the one. Not that arrogant toerag." James looked down, disappointed.

Flower told her, "You know, he's not actually that bad." James looked up, feeling hope.

Lily snorted. James looked down again.

"No, really. Watch, Lily. You'll be surprised," said Flower.

She whispered something to James, and he turned to converse with the Marauders. Talking to Remus, he said, "I'm serious. She won't tell anyone."

As Remus replied, Sirius immediately went, "Well of course you can't be serious. _I'm_ Sirius—" and was cut off when James, not missing a beat in his own conversation, found his arm by touch and punched it.

A few minutes later, James was practically hopping up and down on his head, but he didn't want to be unconscious, so feet would have to do. He came up to Lily, nodded at Flower, and suddenly he disappeared. In his place was a stag. Hoof by hoof, he inched closer to Lily. Flower narrated.

"Well, he's not so much a toerag as a hoof-rag… but that's not the point. He did this for Remus's—"

Lily interrupted. "Remus's lycanthropy! So he could be near him and not get hurt! And I expect you"—she looked at the rest of the Marauders, who were all agape. "are all things too? You, Remus, obviously, are a werewolf; Sirius, hmm. Padfoot, you laugh like a dog, you hate cats... A dog, of some kind? You act like one, all offense meant. Peter, Wormtail, you like cheese, and you're inconspicuous… A mouse, perhaps, or a rabbit?"

The Marauders looked at each other, specifically James. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Really, Remus? You think he told me that you're a werewolf? Honestly. You go missing every month at the full moon, you come back in pale tatters, and you're terrified of the moon, as we saw in the boggart lesson, DADA second year."

Remus turned red-banana-red. "Was it that easy to figure out?"

"Not for anyone else," Lily replied. "Other than me and the Marauders, not many people spend a lot of time with you, no offense meant. I haven't told anyone, and the Marauders sure haven't."

Remus slowly lost the red hue, while Lily turned to James and said the six words that made his day.

"She's right. You're not a toerag." And she tentatively pressed her lips to his. James fainted again, and Lily sighed in annoyance.

"_Honestly._ How does he expect me to go to Hogsmeade with him when every five minutes he's passed out on the floor?"

Flower grinned and sent Lily on her way, rereading the last bit of fanmail. This would be fun. She screamed, "READY? NO? TOO BAD! FOR YOGURT!" and pressed the button with a vengeance. Suddenly, everyone was floating around. Flower did flips through the air down the hall. Dumbledore kept knitting, calmly bouncing off the walls and ceiling. James had woken up, conjured a rubber ball, and was playing catch with Sirius and Remus. They decided to do something else when Sirius threw it too hard and it almost took out James's head. Peter, however, was sitting in the corner, looking green, with an odd greenish puddle floating in front of him—ah well, defying gravity isn't for everyone. Flower pushed a button on the ceiling, and she floated to the ground, ignoring the thumps of everyone else falling painfully. Dumbledore, not fazed in the slightest, smiled sadly at the next review.

Question for Professor Dumbledore: Though I understand your idea for blood wards, as well as for keeping Harry's ego down, to protect Harry from Voldemort and his followers following his parents murder, I feel sending him to the Dursley's was among your top give biggest mistakes, would have been difficult to find some muggle willing to take care of him AND provide protection, perhaps someone in the British Military, or the British version of the secret service, CIA etcetera, your government has contact with the muggle government, it isn't that bloody difficult to find a kind family that can protect the Boy Who Lived / Chosen One.  
Question for James and Sirius: Ever thought of joining the Royal Air Force, they have things that can fly faster than any broom and blow up things miles away? Flying and blowing stuff up, what more could you want?  
Signed,  
Dracarot One of the minority of Americans that still has common sense.

"Well, in addition to blood wards and a smaller ego, the Dursleys already knew about us. When Voldemort came, they would believe us and go into hiding, albeit at much debate. I'd not use the British military and such because they'd have no chance against Voldemort, whereas blood wards had a small chance." Having said all this, he went back to Hagrid's vest.

James and Sirius, the entire time, had been imagining what it'd be like to blow up things for a living. What more could they want? It was a good question, but they'd obtained their answers. James spoke first.

"Lily Evans… and being able to use magic freely…" Sirius rolled his eyes, then spoke.

"Do they have baklava? Or carrot cake? Or any cake, for that matter? Or chocolate éclairs? Or other éclairs? Or—"

"WE GET THE POINT!" said the other inhabitants of the room, except James, who was still daydreaming, and Dumbledore, who was too polite.

"NEXT!"

Malfoy: I have a few stern words I would like to say to you Ferrett! 1. Stop Being such a Jack*** can't you fricking see that no-one wants to be friends with you not when you bully 1st years god I wish i could just go there and beat you up and it will save people a lot of trouble in the future. You just make friends with people you don't want to be friends with all because of your stupid no good rotten death eater father who is also a ferret but an older version of you.I'm a girl by the way and I'm not afraid to hurt you you worthless death eater spawn of a scum!  
Harry: Will you stop being soo damn noble all the time? It would do us all a favor if you would stop being noble all the time. Honestly its sooo annoying  
Fred/George: Will you both stop doing those lame annoying twin speak honestly and will you please please stop with your annoying gred/forge thing its soooo anoying.  
Flower: You Rock at this mind having me pop in for a few of theses cause I'm not finished with Malfoy oh and let me beat up Voldemort only don't allow him to use his wand.  
Snape: WHEN THE HECK ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE THAT HARRY IS NOT JAMES! HONESTLY YOU CAN'T HOLD A GRUDGE FOR THAT LONG GET OVER IT AKK READY HE SAVED YOUR GODDAMN LIFE!I WOULD'VE THOUGHT YOU WOULD'VE FORGIVEN HIM BY THEN AND OH CANT YOU REALIZE THAT HARRY'S LIFE IS ALREADY WORSE WITH VOLDY TRACKING HIM DOWN YOU BULLYING HIM OVER A STUPID CHILDHOOD GRUDGE, HARRY BEING TORMENTED ALL YEAR BY YOU MALFOY AND DUDLEY AND THE FACT THAT THEY TREAT HIM LIKE A SLAVE FOR GODSAKES AND MADE HIM SLEEP IN A CUPBOARD FOR THE FIRST 10 YEARS OF HIS LIFE BEFORE HE GOT HIS LETTER AN. SO SHUT THE F*** UP AND STOP TERRORIZING HIM ALREADY AND THE SAME WITH YOU FERRET AND YOUR PRECIOUS GIRLFRIEND COW PARKINSON!

Flower scrambled to write all of this into several letters, talking all the while.

"Thanks, trachie17. Eventually, Voldemort is probably going to get beat up by someone, and I might bring back all the Death Eaters and make them watch it. Oh, the possibilities…" She stopped writing the letters to consider something, then kept going. "Next!"

Hello! I can't believe how exellent this is! My Name is Tigrette and I'm a gryffendor in Harry's year. BUT EVERYONE FORGETS ME! I play a bog part! Im like hermione in some ways but a little more daring with some slapstick humor. And yes, the golden trio is really the golden quartet. I'm a Reserve chaser who is rotated in a lot. Im a Narnian half tigress and a group of my Narnian friends came to Hogwarts 1 yr. after me and my little sister two years after. I'm something called an animorphmagus (someone who can turn in to any animal at will). My patronus is a tiger.  
Well, now that we're past introductions,  
Luna; you are awesome girl! I don't get why people call you loony. Actually, I think you are one of the only Ravenclaws with a head on your shoulders. (thanks for the astronomy help!)  
Malfoy **spits name like it's an evil curse**: you discusting **censored**! I will wallop off your bloody head with my sword! Or hex you in to obliviation, I can't decide. And yes, I am very capable of doing both those things! (I'm one of the only female knights) maybe I'll just turn you in to a white ferret with a scarlet and gold Mohawk. I have a verrrry good transfiguration spell for that... Hehehe  
Well, bye for now! See you at school!

Flower put all this into the letters, while James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter conversed in a corner. Dumbledore finished the vest (how _did _he knit so _fast_?) and talked to Moody, who'd been forgotten for several chapters.

"NEXT!"

Dumbledore, do you like like McGonagall?

Dumbledore looked up at it, bemused. "She's a fine teacher, yes—"

"With all due respect, Professor, you know what they meant," interrupted Flower.

Not skipping a beat, the headmaster kept going. "—but no, not in the way you imply."

"NEXT!"

OMG! I LOVE THIS STORY! MY DEAR FLOWER, YOU ARE AMAZING! To quote my friend, it feels like my intestines are about to fall out of my butt from laughing so much. We were semi-wasted on adrenaline and it was 5 in the morning. DOn't shoot me. Now, to what must happen:  
Dumbledore: Bring McGonagall in and have them snog for many minutes. Are they married? Do they have kids? DOES SHE LIKE LEMON DROPS?  
James: Prongsie, what is there to say? You aren't my favorite Marauder. That would be Sirius. Siriusly! Thus, I shall annoy you. Sevvie has permission to repeatedly stab you with his finger and say "poke". For 20 minutes. Can Sevvie please do that for me?  
Sirius: My lovely fluffy puppy! You with Sevvie's voice is the equivalent of a Harry Potter smex-god. You are my favorite Marauder by far. Well, you only beat Remy by about 2%. Anywho, you're cool. I almost forgot! You are to attempt to steal all of Albus's lemon drops. Even the super-secret stash hidden in his office. He must defend them. This must go on for 5 minutes.  
Remy (aka Remus): You shall now be referred to as Remy from now on. I love you and am too much like you to really do much to you. I love you too much. Thus, I present you with a present: 10,000 pound giftcard to Honeydukes! Have fun. Get me some butterbeer while you're in Hogsmeade though.  
Peter: There are many words I would like to type, but cannot for fear of being struck down by lightening by whatever deity there is. Thus, I say this: I despise your filthy stinkin guts. You are not worthy to wipe the filth from Sirius's shoes. He, Remy, and James are so far above you they are floating in the clouds while you burn in the fiery pits of Hell. Please save Harry the trouble of killing you by just leaping into a scarab-infested pool and basically being eaten alive. By the way, Harry is James and Lily's kid. Or was it Sirius and Lily's kid? I forgot. :)  
Lots of love to you all, and can we please please please please please please please see the Weasley twins? Tell them I say hi and they can prank my muggle brother anytime. Think of Percy, but more talkative and a hell of a lot louder. He needs it. Dumbledore, if you ever shave your beard I will have no choice but to kill you. Cookies, cake, chocolate, and coffee to you all! *~* BuzzCat

Flower exercised the muscles it takes to smile. "Thank you, BuzzCat, for that very… graphic… analogy, with the intestines and all. Sorry about the Dumbles/McGonagal thing, but I find that awkward and somewhat disturbing, so I'm not to put it in. We can ask questions, though."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

"No, no, and I've no idea."

Flower wrote a small letter to the Transfiguration teacher, asking if she liked lemon drops, and meanwhile James read his part and sulked. Flower, finishing her letter, said, "Well, sorry, but I've got my contract… can't bring Snapey in yet."

Sirius strutted around proudly, ignoring the thing about Snape's voice. As he passed by, Flower poked his ribs.

"Ow! Why do people keep _doing_ that!"

Sirius read the challenge of his part, and grinned, eager to get going. Flower set everything up with a snap of her fingers. Albus and Sirius were set up in Hogwarts, and two video cameras followed them around, one per person. In the Great Steel Room of Awesomeness, two screens showed what each person was doing, and a score counter, for how many lemon drops each person had. Ah, magic was good.

Sirius, in the Great Hall, cast a Disilllusionment Charm on himself. He crept up to the staff table, going directly to the large center chair. Peeking under the table, he found his prize. A bowl, Spellotaped to the bottom of the table. Sirius reached out—only to be blasted back by a crazed Dumbledore. The wizened wizard snatched the bowl and trotted off to his office.

When Sirius could get up without falling over, he grabbed his wand and ran for the staff room.

Upon reaching it, he went in, wand raised. There appeared to be no one inside, but Sirius kept his wand at the ready. He muttered, "Homonem Revelio," and was pleased to see that nothing happened. Sure, now, that no one was there, he stuck his wand in his pocket and started searching. He ripped up cabinets, went through spare robes, went digging in drawers, upended decorations, and thoroughly searched anything on the walls. After a deep search, he shrugged and decided that there weren't lemon drops there. He hurried off to Dumbledore's office.

Flower glanced at the scoreboard. With only three minutes left, Sirius was going to have to hurry—Dumbles still had all 4,795 of them. Suddenly, the headmaster's score was 4,794. But Sirius's was still 0—how could that be?

_**~~Meanwhile~~**_

Dumbledore was in his office. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, beard pooling into his lap, he probably looked like a maniac, but he didn't care. He had his precious lemon drops. Humming serenely, he popped one into his mouth.

Sirius raced, panting, through the hall. He came to the gargoyle and swore loudly. "Password, password… Er… Chocolate Frog, Cockroach Cluster, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans… No? Erm… Pumpkin Pasties, Licorice Wands, Lemon Drops—" The gargoyle sprung to the side, catching the teenager off guard and cutting short his sentence. Bounding up the steps, Sirius burst into the office. He saw the professor on the floor and stopped, blinking a few times. What on _earth _was he doing? No matter. Pulling up the tablecloth, Sirius ducked under. He almost screamed. A bowl the size of his entire body was sitting there. Sirius conjured a large bag, and grabbed handful after handful of lemon drops, shoving them in. He ate one, and continued. After that table was done, he had one and a half minutes left. Then he did something very smart. Raising his wand, he said, "Accio Lemon Drops!" Every last one that hadn't been consumed raced toward him. He put his wand back in his pocket, throwing a glance at Dumbledore. The old man nodded at him. This calm serenity made Sirius suspicious. He reached for his wand—to find nothing. What? He looked back at Dumbledore, who was now twirling two wands.

Oh. No. He. Didn't.

Flower watched the proceedings as if it were a mildly interesting TV show. Sirius wrestling for his wand, Dumbledore shooting him back, the scoreboard now showing **Sirius: 4,793 VS. Dumbledore: 0, **and Sirius getting his wand back and floating all the candy into one huge sack.

Sirius grinned. He had ten seconds left, he knew, and he'd gotten every last bit of candy. Putting his wand back in his pocket, he patted the huge sack of hard candies. Ten seconds, nine now.

Dumbledore moved fast as lightning, snatching the entire bag with strength odd for a man his age. With two seconds left, the score was now, **Sirius: 0, Dumbledore: 4,793**.

Flower had it all cleaned up and the people brought back. She glanced pointedly at Remus, who read his part and promptly fainted. The room gave him smelling salts. As he was unconscious, these didn't do anything, so Flower waved them under his nose. Nothing happened. The room provided chocolate a few feet away and Remus jumped up, found it, and gobbled it up. Gobbled it down? Gobbled it sideways?

Anyway, Flower put Remus in Honeydukes, gave him the giftcard, and let him loose. He wandered over to the chocolate. He bought fourteen Shock-O-Chocs, twelve chocoballs, and approximately seventeen pounds (7.71 kilos) of chocolates, among other things. He stashed all this in his dorm cabinet and was brought back to the other Marauders in Flower's Awesome Room O' Awesomeness.

Peter read his bit and frowned. He didn't know what this BuzzCat was talking about; he was only seventeen! Much too young to die! And James's kid would kill him? Or Sirius's? Preposterous!

James read Peter's part. What? James's child _murder_ a fellow Marauder? Preposterous! Wait a minute… "James and Lily's kid"…

James fainted (again. Hmm, maybe this is a bit much for him).

Sirius read Pete's part. James's kid kill Pete? Preposterous. Or… Sirius and Lily's kid? He hoped not. James would kill him.

Flower nodded. The room provided cookies of all shapes and sizes (and colors and textures and flavors), cake of all shapes and sizes and colors and textures and flavors, chocolate or all shapes and sizes and et cetera, and just one type of coffee (with cream and sugar and spice and everything nice).

Through a mouthful of chocolate cake, Flower said, "NEXT!"

Yay Remus! Not so yay Peter!  
Remus, you are awesome (I do love that word, don't I?) and I must give you chocolate. Yay chocolate! Everyone loves chocolate, don't they? I cried when you died, it made me very sad. Of course, you don't know you died...so forget that.  
Peter, you're okay now, I suppose. You should have just never have gone to evil old Voldy's side.  
That's all I can think to say, if Hannah ever comes over I could get her to write something...  
Well, goodbye, may beautiful, cheesy cheese rain from your skys.  
~Rhianna :D

Remus read his bit. "Umm, thank you? And you were there when I died… Do I know you?" Whispering to James, he said, "How do these people know so much? Do they stalk us, or something?"

Peter frowned. "Why does everyone say I'm on… _his_ side? I'm a Marauder. We don't _do _that."

Flower smiled. Cheese time! She laughed evilly, attracting odd looks and raised eyebrows. The room immediately began showering shredded cheese on them all. Flower obtained a cracker and some tea, and thus had a quite delicious snack as the others looked about in wonder. Eventually the rain stopped, but that left the inhabitants buried under cheese. Remus simply used magic to get to the top second, while Dumbledore did the same, coming in first. Peter was the first to eat his way to the surface, coming in third total; then Sirius, then James. Flower was nowhere to be seen.

By the time they'd organized search parties and found her, she'd constructed under-cheese catacombs. These included, but were not limited to; living rooms, dining rooms, breakfast rooms, lunch rooms, fancy rooms, shabby rooms, kitchens, bedrooms, snack rooms, family rooms, ballrooms, bathrooms with in-cheese plumbing, sitting rooms, standing rooms, an attic, and a variety of those rooms that you're never quite sure what to do with. The rest of the mail was to be conducted in one of the ballrooms.

He! This is funny, so I'm putting you on alert. Thanks for the lovely story!  
P.S. Tell Wormtail to go stick his head down Myrtle's toilet. Tell James, Sirius, and Remus that Pettigrew is EVIL and have them hang him upside down by his ankles, pour mustard in his nostrils, and tie flower chains around his midriff. And yes, I am completely random, crazy, insane, and/or hyper, but I love your story!

Flower made her "happy" face. "Thank you, Miriflowers. And you're right; Slytherins do wiggle a bit."

James, Peter, Sirius, and even Remus didn't get how that was relevant in any way, shape, or form; but they each agreed, the proof of that statement having been in past experience.

Flower began. "Well, Pete, sorry, but you're going to have to kind of do whatever it says…"

Peter sighed resignedly and was whisked away to the second floor girl's bathroom in Hogwarts. In five minutes, his job was done, he was cleaned up, Flower had explained what was going on to Myrtle, and Pete had stopped his compulsive shuddering. Alas, Pete was to be tortured.

James and Sirius grinned. This would be fun. Peter, being a fellow Marauder, was not the ideal target—but it'd be fun anyways. And besides, it's only Pete; not Sirius, Remus, or James…

Remus, meanwhile, had been frowning. This was mean-spirited; Pete hadn't done anything, and James and Sirius were always picking on him. But maybe he deserved it—after all, all these bits and pieces seem to point toward Peter going to Voldemort. But why on earth would he do such a thing?

Meanwhile, Flower had been arranging everything. James and Sirius had obtained garlands of flowers and were draping them all over an upside-down Peter. Remus was watching sadly. Peter was trying to breathe through the mustard in his nostrils.

Flower took a picture and let him down, taking out the mustard with a clap of her hands.

I want everybody in that room to... all im gonna !by the way i like squirtable cheese!I WANT EVERYONE TO GET HIT WITH SQIRTABLE CHEESE FOR NO PARTICULAR GOOD REASON!I FEEL HIGH!...MY FRIEND THINKS THET HARRY AND RON ARE !:)now for flower...do you like twilight?if you do team jacob or team edward?I HATE TWILIGHT AND WOULD LIKE IF EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM KILLED THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE AND I DONT CARE THAT THEY ARE VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES KILL THEM!(also harr potter werewolves are way more awesome then twilight ones obviously..)wow this is long...

Flower wasn't sure exactly how to _waffle_ someone, but she went as far as possible without turning them into waffles. She clapped her hands. Suddenly, everyone had a waffle costume on, they were covered in waffles, and the cheese-underground-lair had become a waffle-underground-lair. Sirius screamed, "AH! THE YELLOW! IT HURTS MY EYES!" and the room put a blindfold on him. Screaming ensued.

"AH! THE DARK! IT HURTS MY EYES _MORE_!"

Flower sighed and took off the blindfold.

"AH! THE YELLO—" Flower had him _duct taped._ She _was_ exactly sure how to do this.

Flower looked over at James. The room had provided him with a large platter of an assortment of syrups, jams, butters, and ketchup. Flower had no idea who would want ketchup on waffles; but as James eagerly uncapped the red bottle, her question was answered.

Flower spoke. "Yes, well, I don't particularly like the Twilight Saga. Meh, who am I kidding, I hate it. But that's just my opinion. There's plenty of twi-hards to go 'round."

Suddenly, without any warning at all, there was a loud honking noise, everyone jumped, and the entire catacombs (including its occupants) were now covered in squirtable cheese. Flower had herself cleaned, the walls turn back to cheese, cleared a chair of sticky cheese, and sat—not on the chair, of course, she sat on the sticky-cheese-covered floor. Much more fun that way.

"Another chapter done!"

A/N: review for the sake of waffling people!

Waffle: I take offense to that!

Flower: Stop talking! You're an inanimate object! Shut up!

Waffle: Fine…


	15. Enter LH

**Disclaimer: Alas, I'm not JKR. *Awkward pause*. Well… On with the story then…**

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all bouncing around the room; literally, as Flower had had them all changed into large rubber balls (upon their request). Now that the time was ripe (which is a rather odd saying, isn't it? Time isn't a fruit…) for another chapter, however, she changed them back. James, Remus, and Sirius happened to be near the ground at the time, but Peter was just bouncing forcefully off the ceiling. Flower pointedly ignored the thump and spoke.

"James, you'll like this one."

She ran her hands along the wall, feeling carefully for a groove she knew was there—and promptly spotted the sign over an obvious door saying, "DOOR" and felt stupid. Not quite red-banana-red, she pulled the door open to find a large mango, which she quickly consumed. Then she opened the identical door to the left and out stepped—Lily Evans. James began bouncing again but was quieted with a LilyGlare™. Flower quickly explained everything to Lily and looked for the other door. Upon finding it (which wasn't too hard, probably because it was bright red), she stepped to the right four times, and said, "rock-bark-math-fellytone," to which the door unlocked. Muttering to herself about a less complicated command system, she opened the door.

A certain boy-that-almost-died-loads-more-times-than-he-should-have-considering-he's-only-seventeen-but-lived-anyway blinked in the light of the room, looking from Flower (he looked baffled) to Moody (more baffled), Remus (he smiled) to Sirius (he smiled wider) to James (even wider) to Lily (Flower thought his face would split any second). Flower smiled, remembering the last time Harry'd been here—Snape had been on a unicycle in a frilly ball gown, holding an umbrella, complimenting Harry's shirt. Good times.

Lily hardly listened to Flower as she introduced herself. A subconscious part of her knew the truth instantly, but denial wasn't just a river anymore…. She frowned at the sight of the boy that'd just entered; something about him just seemed different… but what was it? James started drooling, looking at Lily who was looking at Harry who was looking at Flower confusedly. Lily seemed to sense Prongs's eyes on her, as without even looking she felt for his arm (James was almost bouncing again) and punched it (he pouted).

Remus looked at the boy now looking at Flower. He looked oddly like James, but with Lily's eyes…. Hang on…. His own eyes widened. No way. James would die of excitement, and Lily would die of shock. Yes, this would be the Harry boy mentioned earlier. Confident that he was right, Remus walked over to Sirius and told him.

Sirius was wondering who this kid was when Remus walked over and told him his suspicions; well, more like his knowledge, as Moony was often right. This Harry was James and Lily's child? Well, he certainly looked the part…. Sirius suddenly realized that he was their child and was instantly bursting to tell Prongs. Realizing this, Remus told him not to tell anyone but Pete. Sirius rolled his eyes but consented.

Peter was looking at this newcomer when Remus and Sirius caught his eye. Moony told Padfoot something, Padfoot looked exited, Moony added something else, and Padfoot rolled his eyes, heading this way. Pete listened carefully to the news. So, this was Harry Potter, eh? He looked just like James, but had Lily's eyes… _well of course he did, he's their child_, thought Peter. _Wait, their__** child**_? That BuzzCat was serious? Right after that, the byproduct of knowing Sirius for seven years came into his head: _Obviously BuzzCat isn't serious, Sirius is Sirius._

James turned his attention to the kid entering the room. He looked familiar, as if he'd been acquainted with James long ago…. How odd. James let it go and turned back to Lily. That hair, glinting in the light….

Flower watched the proceedings carefully. Remus had obviously figured it out, and told Sirius, who told Peter; James hadn't gotten it and went back to Lily; and Lily herself was getting there.

Lily thought hard. He seemed familiar, this child, but from where? The eyes indicated that he was related to her in some way, but the jet-black messy hair, the lean form, the glasses pushed up against his nose…. No. Way.

She realized with a jolt that it must be, that there was no other way, but she looked to Flower anyway, starting a sentence. "Is he… is he my..." she trailed off. Flower nodded, and Lily saw black.

James's face turned to one of horror as Lily passed out. He opened one of her eyes, to check if she was alive. The green staring back at him both entranced him and reminded him of something he'd just seen… that new boy! He turned back to the teenager, checking his eyes… yes, Lily's eyes, but he also looked a lot like…. Whoa. No. Way.

He looked at Flower, hardly daring to hope it was true. She smiled at him. James barely heard Flower saying, "Here he goes again…" before he fainted.

Lily awoke groggily. She'd had the _strangest_ nightmare…. She saw James, lying on the ground. Then she saw the new boy with her eyes and almost fell over again. She thought about asking him who he was, to make sure, but the effects could be traumatizing. She settled for a milder question.

"What's your name?"

"Harry James Potter. And you're my mum, Lily Potter—er, I mean, Evans."

Lily smiled weakly, and stood up.

Flower, noticing that James was still asleep, put a cookie on the other side of the room. Immediately, it was wolfed down by a suddenly very awake Prongs.

Lily snorted. "Lessons or exams won't wake you up but a cookie across the room will? You can't be serious."

Sirius perked up. "Of course he can't be serious; I'm Sirius!"

Lily gave him a LilyGlare™ and he shut up, pouting and grumbling about the unfairness of the world.

Flower started the conversation again. "Well, this is Harry Potter, James and Lily's kid."

"Hey, I'm not a kid!"

"Yes, you are. And no, I'm not one to be saying that," she added, correctly interpreting the look on Harry's face, "seeing as I'm younger than you are, but that's not my point. I have several of those, actually…" A large board was being written on as if by a giant invisible hand. _**Point One**_, it said, _**is to introduce Lily and Harry to everyone out there. Point Two is to tell BuzzCat that she shouldn't be apologizing. Point Four is that Peter is now to be referred to as Petty for this and next chapter, if I remember. Point Five is that mangoes would beat Voldemort's hiney any day. Point Six is that I'd forgotten Point Three, which was this; Please Review."**_

Flower would have said all this, but writing it was more fun. She liked writing; after all, that was why she was here. "Again, review! Alastor, Me, Harry, Lily, James, Remus, Petty, and Sirius are all waiting!"

**A/N: This was semi-planned so it took me about a few days to write; but just as I was about to post it, Lord Hermes was mean and broke the internet. I think I'll die from withdrawal symptoms in about twenty minutes. So here I am, waiting for it to work, writing this Authors Note. **


	16. LH's Mail

**A/N: So I updated, and two hours later I already have four reviews. You've no idea what that means to me, and if you do, then you're just about as insane as I am. Congrats. One more thing—about snogging. I don't particularly like writing snog sessions, and I'm rather canon-obsessed, so if you write and tell me to make people snog I might not have that bit in… just thought you ought to know… (Quirrel Moment) And also, by the way, I've put up the beginnings of a new chapter in which Voldemort gets beaten up. It's called The Death of Voldy.**

**Disclaimer: It'd be pretty lame if J K Rowling went about on Fanfiction dot net writing stories… about her own novels… you get the point, yes?**

Flower was exited. Four reviews in two hours; the people seemed to be almost compensating for James' attention span! "OI! LILY!" she screamed into said redhead's ear.

Lily turned calmly to Flower.

"What?"

"We have some fan-mail."

"I'll wake up the rest of them—"

"No, wait…" Flower glanced at Harry; he seemed to be mumbling something. She sneaked closer to listen.

"No… Dementors… they want me to tap dance… I don't want to tap dance…."

Flower hid her snigger and prodded Harry. He started awake, saying, "Wha? Dementors? I don't even have tap dancing shoes—oh, it's just you."

He flushed almost red-banana red. So close, but it needed a shade less puce. Flower nodded at Lily, encouraging her to continue with her scheme to wake up the Marauders. Flower caught her saying something about tasting one's own medicine as Lily went about setting things up. Swirling around, waving at things with her wand, Lily seemed quite impressive. She paused and, upon further consideration, flicked her wand at the ceiling. A large green blob appeared there, and Flower had no idea what it was. Flower started up a video camera, ready to begin.

Lily started the domino effect (literally) and quickly strode over to where Flower was, behind a large invisible shield. As the small domino blocks tumbled onto each other, making designs of squids and glasses, umbrellas and radios, they also fell on a button, which blasted a foghorn in each boy's (except Harry's) ear.

As they all jumped, several things happened. Remus was hoisted into the air by his ankle, not to be let down until Petty discovered how to escape from a toad constantly croaking at his heels and occasionally nipping them. When this happened, the toads began to multiply, backing Remus and Petty onto a certain bit of floor, where they remained for now. Meanwhile, Sirius had sat up, gotten a cream pie smashed into his face, been hoisted up from the arms by several ravens, and was dragged by the ears by mischievous Cornish Pixies to a chandelier, which popped out of nowhere, where he was hung by the robes. At the same time, James had jumped up, wand at the ready; to discover that it was a fake wand that blew a raspberry at his face and turned into a replica of a jackalope. While he was puzzling over this, an inflatable hammer sneaked up behind him, smacking him into Remus and Petty. Sirius was dropped upon them all. Just as they thought everything was over, just when the animals were fading, the big green blob on the ceiling fell, jiggling; it was a water balloon so big, two entire Dudleys could've fit inside. It smashed over the Marauders, drenching them not in water but in jam.

Flower got up from where she'd been (which was laughing on the floor, clutching the stitch in her side) and gave Lily a high five. The Marauders were glowering at Flower, who shrugged and pointed at Lily. The foursome looked surprised, then glowered at Lily, who hardly seemed to notice (which might have been because it was difficult to discern facial expressions whilst covered in jam).

Flower strode over to the four and said simply, "Are you awake yet?"

The Marauders nodded stiffly. Flower sampled some jam. "Mmm. Raspberry. Well, on to business," she said, cleaning them up with a thought to the room, "we have some fan mail."

XD Again (probably for the hundredth or so time), I love it! You must write more, or Sirius shall have a day where he's joking all the time! He'd be a walking, talking paradoxim. Werp. You must update!  
P.S. Now you must add "siriusly" onto the end of most of the sentences and have Sirius butt in and say, "No, I'M Sirius!" XD That is extremely lame, I know, so how 'bout a more obscure one? Have them call everyone the make fun of "Elvendork" for the rest of the day. It's fromt he prologue Rowling wrote. It's certifiably awesome. Enough of my demented ramblings! YOu must stop reading this and UPDATE ALREADY! XD

Flower decided that Petty should also be known as Pete or Peter or Pettigrew or Elvendork. She had but one question, which she voiced. It consisted of one word.

"Werp?"

She looked over at Pete, and asked him a life-changing question. "Hey, Elvendork, what d'you reckon the word 'Werp' means?"

"Dunno," came the reply, the respondent not even noticing that he was being referred to as Elvendork.

James rather liked the name Elvendork. It had a ring to it, so he asked an important question. "Flower," he said, "is Elvendork a boy or girl name?"

"Neither, it's unisex."

"COOL!"

"Okay, moving on."

Yay Lily and Harry!  
Lily, you're cool and...stuff. I am always at a lack for words when directing such awesome people as Harry Potter characters. My imaginary kitty of awesome has had kittens, you may have one. His pelt is transparent, you can put your hand right through him without hurting him and he leaves no mess so you don't have to clean up after him! But he does like to eat fishies. Lots of fishies.  
Harry...you're pretty awesome and brave and...and full of Harry-ful-ness! Yeah...that's a good word. Actually...it isn't but...*shrugs*.  
The other day Hannah and I were playing GoF for GameCube. I was Ron because he's so stupid and his hair is pink (maybe not in that game, but it did look pink in that PoA game I have). Hannah was dear Hermione, because she is a girl and she is smart. And nobody was there to be Harry, so his character was stuck somewhere behind us, being fairly stupid and getting attacked by evil plants. He was stupider than Ron, and that's saying something because he was repetitively running into flame jets because I wanted to hear him scream (muahahaha!).  
...That was a weird day...and I have no idea why I told you that. I guess I feel random today. I do love randomness.  
Well...byes!  
~Rhianna :D

Lily smiled. These people seemed nice. And she liked kittens. Perfect.

Harry smiled as well. Harryfulness was actually a word Neville had said in his sleep. He read the other part and snorted. "Ron had pink hair? Wait till I tell him that! But I suppose that game's not very accurate, seeing as I went running about blindly, being attacked by what sounds like vicious, man-eating plants."

YAY! I love, love, love this story as much as Remus loves chocolate!  
Wowsers.  
Sirius: You are like the most amazing, awesome, gorgeous, beautiful, handsome, funny, charming, dazzling, sexy, ravishing man I have ever seen/read about! I could have gone on for days with copious compliments about Siri but I doubt you'd have wanted to hear them :P  
Anyway, back to Sirius :) I think you should be able to make Remus do whatever you want for the whole of the next chapter! :D  
Remus: You're my 2nd favourite Marauder, because you, like Sirius, are awesomesauce and we're quite similar in some ways, except you're much much cleverer than me (:  
I think Lily should cut James' hair in whatever style she wants :D  
And owls should steal Mad-Eye's eye xD  
Thanks for the awesomesauce story, Flower! :P  
~Bella'Swan'22~

Flower turned red-banana-red. As much as Remus loves chocolate… that's quite a bit….

Sirius had been strutting about as everyone else watched with raised eyebrows, looking at Flower to do something funny to stop him. She told James eight words.

"I think your eyebrow is trying to escape."

He quickly lowered it, and as he did so a large tub of syrup upended itself all over Sirius.

"MY HAIR! NOOO! MY HAIR IS _RUINED!_!"

Flower sighed and set the hair right, but everything else was still covered in the sticky substance. Sirius was going to have to deal with it himself. He started to boss Moony around.

"First," he smirked, "you'll have to… clean me up. Yes."

Remus rolled his eyes and waved his wand. The mess disappeared.

"Hey, no, that wasn't fair, that was too fast," said Sirius.

Remus brought the syrup back and made it disappear again, going through the movements with exaggerated slowness, saying the incantation so slow no one could figure out what he was saying.

Sirius huffed, "Fine," and continued. "Then you'll do a cartwheel. Really badly. Yeah."

Remus shook his head, put his wand in his pocket, and tried. He really did. But seeing as he'd only seen them done by Sirius (who wasn't the best at them) he wasn't very good. Imagine a monkey, yes, now have it eat a banana, yes, now imagine the banana peel thrown in the middle of a road. Then have Remus come along and look rather like the monkey spinning about, only to slip on the peel and fail (and flail) completely.

"Okay, now put a blindfold on yourself." As Remus complied, Sirius continued, "Okay, now…" He sneaked up behind the werewolf, whipping off the blindfold. "Boo!"

Remus raised an eyebrow, not scared at all.

Sirius pouted. "It'd be funnier if you screamed. Scream now."

Remus sighed and let out a bloodcurdling shriek. Sirius looked surprised. "Where'd you learn to do that? You sounded like a little girl!"

"Well, I based it on you singing in the shower."

Sirius blushed. "You heard that?"

"Are you kidding me? There are probably people in Tibet that heard that!"

Now it was Lily's turn. She read over her part, conjured some scissors, and set to work. James flinched and winced as bits of hair went flying. He was half sobbing for his hair, half exited that Lily was within ten feet of him.

Lily contemplated it, made a final snip, and stood back, pleased with James's torture. Flower looked at it and grinned. It was horrible, really, about half a centimeter long except in the back, where she left it to stick up. He looked like a demented turkey, with all the feathers up in the back. Flower took pictures, showed him a mirror, and took another picture of his reaction. Said reaction happened to be an ear-piercing scream followed by sobs.

Lily grinned and waved her wand, putting it right and asking Flower a question. "D'you think I could have a copy of that picture, the one where he looks like a weird sort of bird?"

Flower nodded absentmindedly. She obtained a Dorito tortilla chip, licked it, wrenched open a window and threw it out. Everyone stared at her but she merely shrugged. "That's all for now!"


	17. Enter RH

**A/N: I wasn't exactly sure how to do this, so it took a while, but I had inspiration at like 2 AM, so here I am!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except Flower and the Awesome Room of Awesomeness.**

Flower got up and told everyone to get up and stretch, which they all did. James and Sirius looked sorrowfully at Flower. It was their last chapter. Flower smiled brightly at them and contradicted their thoughts.

"Hey, since I'm bringing in more people I think you'd like to know, you two get another two chapters before you leave with Remus and Pete!"

That brightened them up considerably. They grinned and danced around Peter and Remus, chanting, "We're staying, we're staying, we're staying—"

Flower politely told them to shut up and opened a door. Ronald Weasley stepped out. He looked quizzically at her, and stepped over to Harry.

"We're staying, we're staying, we're staying—"

"Shut UP already!"

Flower opened another door and Hermione Granger walked into the room. She paused to consider the scene before her eyes. First, and unknown girl of thirteen with long dark hair telling two boys to shut up. These boys had to be Sirius and James; having seen likenesses of them (future version of Sirius and Harry), she was relatively sure. They were dancing around two people that could only be Remus and Pete. Lily was rolling her eyes at them. Harry was watching all the people with interest, and Ron was looking curiously at Peter, who had just been given a large pink feathered hat by Sirius.

"WE'RE STAYING, WE'RE STAYING—"

"You won't be staying if you don't SHUT UP!"

"My, my, what a temper…"

"Indeed, m'dear, you really should restrain yourself…."

"I'll put duct tape over both your mouths!"

"WE'RE STAYING—"

There was a silence.

"Well, I did warn you."

Meanwhile, Harry explained what was happening to Ron and Hermione. Ron was staring at Lily.

"Blimey, she looks just like Ginny!"

Harry said, "Well, the eyes are green, not brown, and she's got a different— oh, erm… hello, mum! We were just talking about… erm… about…."

Lily smirked. "Very convincing. So, who're these?"

Ron and Hermione introduced themselves and Lily buried herself in a conversation about elf rights with Hermione.

Flower snapped her fingers. Alastor Moody pulled out his eye (the magical one, of course) and dropped it in a glass of water. Spinning wildly, it looked like a 360 degree Sneakoscope. Two owls flew out of nowhere and pecked at the eye. Moody glared at them, brandishing his wand. He shot a Stunner, but it passed right through them as though they were merely smoke. Moody, caught off guard, stared for a few seconds. These were all the owls needed to grab the eyeball. They brought it over to Flower and dropped it in her hand. She inspected it, then nearly dropped it when it spun to stare at her. She threw it back at Moody, cleaning her hands on a newly-existent towel.

She brought up the bit of mail that that had came from.

**God this is abstolutely muchlyness AMAZING! Please please please write more. Um... might I request that James be allowed to select an outfit for Lily. As guys have an abhorent fashion sense (and I can barely spell the word) this should be amusing. And what happened to Mad-Eye's eye being stolen by owl? Did I miss that part? I request it again. Oh, and Remus? Please be aware that if you were to be spotted on the street in America or pretty much anywhere, there would be much fangirl shrieking and very possibly kidnap. So, make sure you're in speed like a speedy thing. Sirius: There are monsters in you closet. Pettigrew: There is no Father Christmas. Spread the joy!**

James looked around for Lily. She was nowhere to be found. Flower looked up and noticed Lily, on suction cups, sticking to the ceiling and waving frantically at Flower to keep quiet. Flower did not obey and screamed, "THERE SHE IS!" scaring almost everyone in the room.

Lily scowled at Flower and came down. Flower gestured for James to enter the huge walk-in closet that had just appeared. He did so and she followed him.

Inside, he muttered to himself, "Okay, I will show them that guys do _not_ have a horrible fashion sense. I'll pick what would look good on Lily." In the following several minutes, he chose a bright pink, frilly yet shapeless shirt that had a large puce silhouette of a nose being picked on the front, a pair of baggy neon orange cargo pants, and a blindingly green bandanna with a pattern of chinchillas.

He brought these back to Lily, who was on the floor in the fetal position whimpering. The room popped the clothes on her and Flower took pictures. James looked rather pleased with his work; in fact, the only boys that didn't look proud were Harry and Remus (and Moody, but he's not really what you'd call a boy anymore). Flower was laughing uncontrollably and Lily looked close to a nervous breakdown.

Remus read his bit and flushed red-banana-red; actually, he went a bit further and nearly turned purple. Then Sirius read the part pertaining to him and his eyes widened. He shook as he said, "R-R-Really?" and looked at Flower.

She raised an eyebrow and confirmed his fears.

"NOOOOOOOO! All my hopes, all my dreams, all my wishes… GONE!"

Flower rolled her eyes at his antics and turned to Elvendork. He'd read his bit and almost fainted. No Father Christmas?

"It- it can't be. Who left all my presents, then?"

Flower grinned. "Your parents."

Peter's eyes rolled back in his head. He fell over dramatically.

**Sorry that I didn't review earlier, but at least I am :D****  
****That was my favourite chapter so far! Probably because I was mentioned ;D lol****  
****Anyways, hehe *laughs evilly like Voldemort.. ish* Make Remus sing everything he says and sing songs to annoy everyone in the room. Peter can join in too, if he wants that is :P****  
****Ooh, and make Harry tapdance while dressed as a giant turkey while on rollerblades and eating a curry xD****  
****Also, if anyone asks Lily a question she has to lie to them.****  
****Example: "Lily, are you a female?" "No, I'm a male who had a sex change," Lily replied.****  
****Okay :)****  
****I think that's enough requests for a chapter xD****  
****Thanks for the AMAZING, awesomesauce chapter (and story) Flower! :D****  
****~Bella'Swan'22**

Remus glanced fearfully at Flower. She nodded, the enchantment already having been placed.

"Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Maybe I need to piss. Why am I rhyming? It makes no sense. Maybe I should go and climb up a fence." He looked horrified at what he was saying.

Flower raised an eyebrow. She had had no idea that it would come with rhyming, but it was funny… ah well.

Harry stepped forward and immediately started a rigorous tap dance, suddenly clothed in a turkey costume on rollerblades, eating curry. Remus sang as Harry fell down many times.

"He's a little kid, growing up with strangers! He's a slipp'ry squid, gettin' out of DANGERS!" He shrieked the last word so loud, everyone (even Harry) covered their ears.

"So, it's funny, yes?" Flower asked Lily, who was rolling about on the floor laughing herself to tears. She replied in a complete lie.

"No. Not funny at all. I see this every single day."

Ron and Hermione were dubious about the experience they'd have in here.

**Get the older Remus to appear as a fortune teller and tell fortunes that aren't true ie. Remus will die in 3 days of a chocolate overdose. Love this story. Please write more.****  
****~Mrs. K. Lupin****  
****P.S. Does Remus like my pen name?**

Remus glanced up at it. "I dunno if I'll ever marry, although it's unwise to tarry!"

Flower clapped her hands and a door slid open, revealing old-Remus. He looked about, very confused, and Flower explained what was going on. He looked seriously at Sirius.

"You're going to be eaten tomorrow by a large marshmallow named George. After digesting you, he'll move to Thailand."

Sirius looked at old-Moony, terrified. A marshmallow? But they were his friends!

Old-Remus turned to Peter. "You shall be bopped over the head with a pair of scissors. Then they'll cut off all your hair and leave you bald to die."

Peter was shaking. This was so random and yet so horrifying!

"James, you'll be hugged by four complete strangers tomorrow." James shot a quizzical look at him, but said nothing.

"Lily, you'll die by the hand of a large hay-covered monster." Lily didn't respond, as she knew it was false.

"Harry, you'll die at sixteen."

"Remus? I'm already seventeen."

"I know, Harry. I know. Ron, you'll break Bill's heart and run away with Fleur. Hermione, you'll give up reading forever because Ron left."

Flower looked at her List O' Reviews. All three had been dealt with, so the chapter was complete.

"Review for Hermione's love of reading!"


	18. RH's Mail

**Disclaimer: The whole point of a disclaimer is to say I don't own it, which is rather redundant seeing as if I did own it, I wouldn't need a disclaimer in the first place. Cheers!**

**A/N: Hallo all those reading this A/N, sorry this is so late but I've been packing for a visit to ORLANDO and the THEME PARK! Ohmegoshses! And also, RandomLilyFlower has new pictures of assorted good times! Go check out my profile, the links are there!**

Flower looked down at everyone else. For dramatic effect, she had made the room raise her on a dais, so she was about six feet above everyone else. It also turned off the lights and gave her a flashlight, so she could make spooky faces in an odd lighting scheme. She cleared her throat and began.

"One dark and stormy night, just like tonight, a small horse ate a slice of apple next to a fence. Okay, folks, we've got mail!"

**Hello! Great chapter! Anywho, I thought I reviewed the last chapter! Really, I wrote it out and everything! Oops. I think I reviewed late. Werp. Also, since Hermione and Ron are in now (yay!), I have something for them to do...muhahaha. SO here is my list: ****  
****Pettigrew: You must be called Elvendork again, AND try to play chess with Ron. Note the use of the word try.****  
****Sirius: The monster in your closet shall kill you in seven days. Or was it three? I think it was closer to three, but I can't be sure, so just watch out okay?****  
****James: Get Lily out of those HIDEOUS clothes and apologize profusely. Than ask her out again and see what happens. XD****  
****Lily: Answer to James's question like so; "How much do restraining orders cost again?"****  
****Harry: Tell the saga of your relationship with Ginny around a campfire. With everyone listening. Note: you must include every excruciating detail. I hope Ron goes easy on you.****  
****Hermione: Even though I understand your need to read, just go and snog Ron already. NOW! Muhahaha.****  
****Ron: Snog her back or you shall become like Percy...I'm warning you!****  
****Thank you again for the lovely story, Flower!**

Elvendork looked fearfully at Ron, who was grinning. A wizard chess set appeared. Ron and Elvendork were given their own sets of pieces, all the way from whatever time and place they were from. It played out beautifully, with Flower commentating.

"And that's a nasty blow to Elvendork's queen by the red bishop! The first red piece down, a pawn, and in exchange Ron gets a rook! Oh, a pawn is now a second queen for Ron…."

In the end, Ron's bishop took out ninety percent of the other side's pieces, Pete's king was backed into a corner, and 15 of Elvendork's pieces were brutally murdered by the unrelenting force of the red army.

Flower woke up Sirius and made him read his part. He responded very loudly.

"NO! MOONY, GIVE ME YOUR CHOCOLATE STASH BECAUSE I'M GONNA _DIE_!"

Moony rolled his eyes. According to his thoughts, the room gave Sirius a pie large enough to quench Dudley's hunger for an entire five minutes, which distracted him for the rest of the chapter.

James apologized profusely to Lily, who'd gotten her normal school uniform back as soon as possible.

"And I'm really really sorry for picking those evidently hideous clothes, although I thought they'd bring out your eyes…."  
Lily sighed and told him he was forgiven, as long as he didn't pass out anymore.

James continued, "…and so it'd be really really great if you could _please_ come to Hogsmeade with me next visit?" He put on the infamous puppy-dog eyes.

Lily stared him down. "Hey, Flower, would it be possible to directly sue someone underage, like not their parents but the actual person?"

"No, they have to be 18."

"Damn."

Harry read his bit and went from normal to pale to red-banana-red to porridge-color to puce back to red banana red. Flower conjured a campfire, a ukulele, and several chains for Ron. She tied him to the wall with these, taking away his wand. She handed the ukulele to Harry and motioned for him to sing.

"No. I'm not singing. If I have to say it, fine. But I'm not singing, no way."

"Fine, fine."

He sighed and started. Ron was determinedly looking at his foot and Hermione was looking sorry for Ron.

" Er, so I saw her first on platform 9 ¾, and she was asking if she could come look at me because she heard I was on the train… and I thought that that was weird, like I was in a zoo or something… and… er… then she kept turning red whenever I saw her in the summer after first year, and-"

"Wait, you saw her over the _summer_? After _first year_?" James interrupted.

"Well, I was at Ron's house, escaping the Dursleys, erm, I mean, my aunt and uncle…. So yeah, and once she put her elbow in the butter, I remember determinedly ignoring that fact to save her trouble. And, erm, then I saved her from the basilisk in second year, and—"

"You beat a _basilisk_?" Lily said, paling.

Flower threw her a set of the Harry Potter books, hardcover. "Just read the books when you guys get back."

"Erm, so then I saved her and after that she was kind of like a sister…"

Sirius muttered, "Eww, dating your sister…."

Harry chucked a pillow at him and continued. "So then not much happened until, like, fifth year, when Sirius d- I mean, when we battled Death Eaters at the Ministry, and-"

"You battled _Death Eaters _at the _Ministry?_" questioned Sirius.

Flower chucked a cushion at him.

"And I thought of her as a friend…"

"Eww, dating your friend…." Sirius said. Ron and Hermione turned scarlet.

"And then in sixth year, we… erm… got together. Yeah. That's it."

Flower chucked an extra-large pillow at him.

"Fine, I really had no idea what was going on until halfway through sixth year, when Ron and I caught her snogging her boyfriend in a passageway… and then there was a huge internal battle and then we got together and then I had to break up with her because I didn't want Voldemort to use her to get to me…"

Lily looked downright surprised at that one. "_What_?"

"And then we got back together after that year."

Flower was going to make him more embarrassed and make him explain, but Ron seemed about to explode so she let it be. She whipped out a picture of Ginny, who smiled at Lily and James. They both grinned back.

"She's got the red hair!" James whispered. "The famous red hair!"

Everyone nodded exasperatedly at James, because that was the first thing they'd each noticed and as such was fairly obvious.

Flower put it away and told Hermione to get on with it. She did, looking almost as red as Ron's ears. Almost. He responded, for fear of turning into a Percy.

While they were having fun, Flower put up the next one.

**Hi, I'm the girl that wrote in Dutch and I love that you made Snape wash his hair *evil grin*****  
****Dumbledore: Hi! I have a question for you! How long do you know you were gay?****  
****James: Prongs! I have question for you too. Would you to be friends with Sirius if he was in Slytherin? And Flower would would you make James to jump around in a green rabbit suit and then paint his skin green with silver polka dots. There funny****  
****Sirius: Snuffles :) You're an arrogant annoying guy, but still great and your hair will be one chapter long greasy like Snape and pink with purple stripes. Because that's fun :D****  
****Remus: HI MOONY! You're my favorite Marauders, and for you the room will rain chocolate bars. Because you're so cute *fangirl squee*****  
****Peter: You get no greeting, because you're not worth it at all. You are going to be attacked by 150 Harry Potter fangirls. Because you ruined his live. Siriusly, I detest you.****  
****Lily: HI! I have just a question for you? What is your favorite ice-cream flavor? Mine is caramel :)****  
****Harry: Hi, Harry. I would like to know what your favorite color is so your hair could be like that for a day !****  
****Ron: Hi Won-Won, what do you think of Harry relationship with Ginny? And you cane dance the hula-hula in a min skirt. And topless *evil grin*****  
****Hermione: Hi, i have only a question for you. How many times have you read Hogwarts, a History?****  
****Flower: You and your story are the best. And you keep bringing in the coolest characters. Flowers for you.****  
****Bye- Bye everyone, and see you later alligators****  
****Somebody****  
****P.S. Flower are you bringing McGonagall in? Becuase she is funny as hell**

Flower nodded. Bringing in McGonagall was a good idea. Perhaps, perhaps….

James read his bit and thought (le gasp!) about it. "I dunno, probably… I met him on the train, so I guess we'd still be friends, but it would be harder to meet to talk and plot." He looked at Flower, eager to get the next bit over with.

Flower snapped her fingers and a camera appeared. She videotaped the next few minutes, filled as they were with a jumping James. He snatched Sirius by the back of the robes as he went past, making them form an odd sort of conga line. Harry was laughing, Ron was laughing, Hermione was laughing, Peter was laughing, Remus was laughing, and Lily had been annoyed by this sort of thing so many times that she wasn't paying attention.

Flower sent a thought to the room and suddenly everyone was jumping about in green rabbit suits, forming a conga line that went in patterns of porcupines. The room had taken over the video camera when Flower wanted to join in. They finished up with everyone turning green with silver polka dots, except Flower (she didn't want to be green with silver polka-dots) and Sirius, whose hair had turned into a copy of Snape's with pink and purple stripes. As everyone finished up laughing, Sirius noticed his hair.

"NOOO! It's like Snivellus's except _worse_! It's _pink_! Pink! And STRIPES! NOOO!"

Flower ignored him and the room rained chocolate of all kinds, wrapped in all sorts of beautiful colors. Remus immediately was hopping about, trying to catch some out of the air. Flower gave him a better strategy, and he blushed because it was fairly obvious. He put it to use by simply picking the chocolate up off the floor. The room provided him with a basket rather like those used by small girls in fairytales to pick flowers. He hummed and skipped along, picking up bar after bar of chocolate.

Peter was put into a separate part of the room behind a one-way mirror divider so Flower could see what was going on. A door burst open and a hundred and fifty girls came forth. They looked around, confused, and then they spotted Elvendork. With murderous shrieks, they pulled assorted weapons from concealed pockets; wands, Dungbombs, and the most dreaded of all; makeup. As one, they converged upon the lone Elvendork. Apart from gales of laughter and waves of screams, nobody could tell what had become of him. After a half-hour, they'd finished. Some took out cell phones and took pictures of the now powder-encrusted, pinkened, trembling lump previously known as Elvendork.

Flower took some pictures of her own and bade the girls back to from whence they came. She healed Pettigrew and looked to Lily. She was munching on a chocolate bar, thinking about the question.

"You know, I think it's vanilla. So simple and yet so elegant…"

James was carefully filing this information away in his brain.

Harry, meanwhile, read his bit. He didn't hesitate in the slightest.

"Red!" His hair turned red. "Cool!"

Ron looked seriously at the screen. "No, I can't dance "the hula", whatever that is. It doesn't sound very nice."

Flower responded with only two words. "Too bad."

And that was how Ron came to be dancing the hula in a miniskirt, shrieking about cruel little girls named Flower. He said, as he passed by the projector, "And by the way, I think it's better Harry than Dean Thomas or that Corner bloke."

Hermione, having read the piece of mail and prepared her answer, said promptly, "Approximately forty-seven the whole way through, and then bits and pieces for reference, you know, when I need to check up on a fact."

Ron rolled his eyes. "See, there's no point to read it when she's swallowed it whole…."

**YAY! Ron and Hermione!****  
****I loveh you Ron, you're so awesome yet not awesome but so very lovable somehow...or at least to me you are :3 yay Ron! You should...uh...dye your hair pink and keep it that way for at least a chapter...yeah *nod nod*. You look good with pink hair o_o...somehow.****  
****Hermi-one (I love that mispronunciation of your name, Hermione) you should pretend to be stupid for a chapter and see how well you do it...I can't even imagine a stupid Hermione...um...and tell me, how is Crookshanks? I lurve awesome kitties. Or part Kneazle kitties...either way.****  
****So very awesome...that be all...****  
****~Rhianna :D**

Ron raised his eyebrows (he couldn't do just one) and attempted to look at his hair, which had turned a shocking pink. Flower handed him a mirror. Hermione looked terrified at being stupid, but was determined to try her best.

"What's a… kneazle?"

Ron looked at Hermione in mock-shock. "You don't know what a _Kneazle _is?"

"Of course I do, d'you think I'm stupi—no, no, I've no idea. What's a kneazle?"

"Alright, it's a sort of cat."

"What's a cat?"

"It's an animal—"

"What's an _animal_?"

"ARGH, I give up."  
"What's _up_ mean?"

Flower left them to bicker.

**XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD *GASP!* XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD God, I'm in tears right now. I love the outfit! And the reactions to the exposition were truly amazing. ROFL! Alrighty then. For Hermione's love of reading, eh? I would like to have Sirius explain Christmas to Jack the Pumpkin King (see Nightmare Before Christmas). And I would like to say to Ron that the only reason my friend watches Harry Potter movies is because she would like to drool over you. I don't understand why. Severus is much sexier. HAVE YOU HEARD HIS VOICE? Fangirl here. Not responsible for my actions and all that. Could I possibly request that Tarrant Hightopp (aka Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland) be brought in to hat everyone? More fangirl irresponsibility. Peter: I would like to dispell the myths of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. And Voldemort is hiding in your closet. Just so ya know. Lily is now required to dress James. In whatever she wants. WHATEVER she wants. As in everything is fair game. Mad-Eye? Who took out your eye? Flower: Thank you so much writing such a fantastic fic as this. So unique and special and AMAZING! Now Sirius is allowed to do your makeup. And I really don't think you are exempt from challenges. Please?**

Flower read this one out loud, rather than putting it up. She paused and turned to Sirius when she got to the Pumpkin King bit, and a rather large door opened. A skeleton came out and Sirius launched into an explanation of Father Christmas and presents and "wee bits of sweets" that were given out, before he realized it was a mere skeleton and not alive, or anything. He screamed and back away. Flower pulled out an official-looking document, scanned it into a photocopier, and pressed "Copy". The visa for bringing in people that belonged in other worlds was accepted and the real Jack Skellington stepped out of a doorway. Sirius re-launched into his explanation.

"…and then if you're good the whole year he comes and _leaves you presents_! Isn't that wonderful! And they can be all sorts of things but my favorites are the sweets and sometimes there's Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans or Chocolate Frogs or licorice wands or Fizzing Whizbees or cauldron cakes or pumpkin pasties or Drooble's Best Blowing Gum or even Cockroach clusters, but you've no idea what I'm talking about because you're a muggle and you've never heard of any of those sweets, have you?" he finished, out of breath, five minutes later.

Mr. Skellington backed through the door cautiously, as though frightened that the now drooling Sirius would turn into a wild animal and attack him.

Flower continued, getting to the part about drool. Ron flushed red. Flower kept going to the bit about being a fangirl. James, Sirius, Ron, Harry, Flower, Elvendork, and Hermione shuddered. Remus was determined not to, but he could not repress a small shiver that went down his back. Flower continued yet again and, at the appropriate part, a door opened, revealing the Mad Hatter. He took out his measuring tape and measured Ron's ear, Harry's head circumference, Hermione's nose length, Moody's tooth, Flower's hair, Lily's belly button, James's toe, Remus's foot, Elvendork's eyelashes, and Sirius's buttocks (to which he whirled around dramatically and questioned the Hatter on what, exactly, he was doing). He gave Peter a familiar pink feathered hat, James a large hat with a lion that appeared to be chewing up a snake (James was pleased), Remus a pink one with a quill on top, Sirius obtained a blue leopard-print bowler hat, Lily a purple cavalier hat, Ron a carriage hat with a real miniature carriage on top, Hermione got a bright green ski mask, Flower a beehive hat that was so huge she refused to put it on for fear of collapsing under the weight, and Moody was given a ridiculous looking device, which Harry, Ron, and Hermione identified as supposedly having the powers of Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem (in fact, it was made by the Lovegoods). Flower sent the hatter on his way, thanking him for the hats.

Elvendork looked up from under his hat. First Christmas, now Easter and the Tooth Fairy? How much more could they take away from him? And… HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED, IN HIS CLOSET? No! He could never reach his favorite sweater again, if You-Know-Who was in the way!

Lily entered a closet gleefully. Payback time!

Ten minutes later, James was looking apprehensively at the pile of material. There was a large orange puffy ball gown, his lion-chewing-snake hat, pink and electric-blue stockings, rainbow flip-flops, and muggle yellow rubber gardening gloves. He was clothed in all this, looking quite insane, and Flower took pictures. Everyone else was rolling about, laughing so hard they were fearing for their internal organs. Flower left him there to suffer for five minutes while everyone else re-obtained their breath.

Eventually, his normal clothes were given back to him and he shuddered compulsively every two minutes or so. Everyone looked to Moody.

"It was some Death Eater; I dunno who, I was too busy taking down his fellows."

Sirius grimaced, hoping he either did this right or the punishment wouldn't be too bad. He closed his eyes, stuck his hand in a box, and pulled out a tube of something. He wasn't sure what it was, but it was called "Moldy Prune" and he was fairly sure one put it on the lip. So, with enough aim to miss a stationary elephant from three feet away, he attacked Flower's face. He tried to draw a flower on her forehead. Note the _tried_.

She pulled her face up, pulled a mirror up, and gasped. It looked as though she'd been attacked by a rampaging juice box, full of permanently staining juice. She winced, took a picture for the heck of it, and the room magicked it off. She glowered at Sirius, not pleased in the slightest.

He winced.

**Haha, I loved it! xD****  
****Funniest chapter so far!****  
****Okayy.. requests (:****  
****Hermione has to rip apart and burn every single book she owns.****  
****Ron has to eat dragon dung pie xD****  
****Harry should ride on Sirius' back (when Sirius is in human form) and pretend that Sirius is a pony!****  
****Peter must be kept in a tank, and whenever he talks a bucketful of cold custard shall be dumped upon him by Flower (:****  
****I think that's enough, sorry the review's later than normal :P****  
****THANK YOU! (:****  
****~Bella'Swan'22 :D**

Hermione shuddered. That was a lot of books… she sighed, knowing they could be fixed, and began. After three hours, the pile of books to come not even four percent gone, she gave up and sat down. The small stack of torn ashes smoldered. Flower took a picture, and let it go, not wanting to stay on this task for how long it would take to complete. She fixed the books up and sent them back to when and wherever they came from.

Peter was put in what looked like a large glass shower-stall, with no water at all. He looked confused and was about to ask what was going on when a bucket turned over his head. He looked up just in time to get a face full of cold custard.

"Ooh, yummy—" he began, but was drenched in custard yet again.

Ron looked apprehensively at a table that had appeared. Upon it was a monkey, which was attacking a plate of sushi with a fork. Flower frowned, this being the same monkey that'd appeared several chapters ago, and wondered what was with the sushi. She ate it slowly (the sushi, obviously, not the monkey) as Ron looked for the pie. Flower finished and a pie materialized in front of Ron. He stabbed at it experimentally, and it hissed at him.

After breaking off a bit, he hesitantly put it in his mouth. Then he chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and commented.

"You know, it's not actually all that bad!"

Peter began talking again. "I've tried—" but was cut off by a mouthful of custard. "This custard is col—" Flower overturned the bucket yet again and answered his would-be sentence.

"It's supposed to be cold!"

"That's weir—"

And the bucket turned again.

Ron scarfed down the rest of the pie and laid down his fork, burping. Flower cleaned everything up with a snap of her fingers and looked to Sirius.

Seriously, she handed Harry a present; he unwrapped the golden paper and found a hatbox. He opened that and found a cowboy hat made of straw. He put it on, went over to Sirius, and explained that he'd have to pretend he was a pony. Sirius got down on all fours resignedly and Harry hopped on.

He dug his heels into Sirius's sides, saying, "Go on, horsie! Go on!"

Sirius neighed rather realistically and walloped about the room, Harry on his back laughing, until he almost fell over from exhaustion. Harry, however, was having fun.

"Whee! Pony, that was fun! Go again, pony!" he said, urging on the tired Sirius. James gave him a look, and Harry realized that he was acting like a four year old. He shrugged, gave the hat back to Flower, and sat down with Ron and Hermione.

Flower sighed. "Well, that's about it!"

Peter started to talk again. "Can you get me out of this thi—"

Flower turned the bucket over his head, dumping more custard on him.

**A/N: We'll see who's coming next!**


	19. Enter Ginny

**A/N: There's limited internet on my road trip, so that's why its taking so long….**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it… man, that was a boring one in comparison to others.**

Flower squinted through the glass of her gas mask (the creepy green ones that look like bugs) at Hermione and Lily. Everyone else was hiding from the creepy Flower, so she could only see Hermione and Lily. She took off the mask and started.

"So, we have some mail, and since it includes the Marauders they're gonna stick around for a while."

Aforementioned Marauders jumped (or, in the case of Sirius and James, floated) for joy.

"_Anyways,_" she plowed on, "more people will be here. Please welcome… Ms. Ginny Weasley!"

A door popped open and Ginny stepped out. She smiled at everyone and went to sit by Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

**Hi,I loved this chapter. But I'm in a prank mood and that is not going to be****  
****nice for some people.****  
****Pettigrew: You must be be poked by Harry a whole chapter long, O and in my****  
****world everbody and I mean EVERBODY hates you. And Voldemort is now hiding in****  
****your bed. He likes it there.****  
****Sirius: Hi! I liked your reaction on pink hair. But anyway you should be****  
****attacked by a gigantic pink bubblegum monster. They're totally awesome. And****  
****you should be bald for 30 seconds****  
****James: Hi, prongsie. You're not going to be happy with me. Your clothes are****  
****Slytherin green for one chapter, because you like the color so much.****  
****Remus: Hello, What is your favorite color? Because your nose is going to be it****  
****one chapter long. And what is your patronus? And show it! :)****  
****Lily: You're a really nice girl but it is Prank Everyone day. You're going to****  
****be chased by 10 of James Potters****  
****Harry: Hi Prongslet *Squee* So cute. But we have to continue. You have to sing****  
****(because you like it so much) the song Lollipop by Mika, dressed as a gigantic****  
****sandwich with red clownshoes on. Tihi!****  
****Ron: Hi Won-Won. You're going to be iceskating in a green snake suit. You're****  
****going to have a black bow tie in your hair and your iceskates are going to be****  
****neon yellow.****  
****Hermione: You are going to be dressed by Ron in whatever he wants and Harry is****  
****going to be doing your makeup****  
****Flower: Because of your totally awesome username and your great story, I have****  
****a cookie for you.****  
****Bye everyone. See you next time :)****  
****Sombebody**

Peter backed away from a suddenly vindictive Harry. Harry cornered him and commenced the poking.

"Ouch! Not there, that one hurt!" And then: "Ouch! Didn't I just say, _not _that one!"

Sirius was separated from the group and a door opened. A pink sticky blob rolled out, heading slowly for Sirius. He screamed.

"NO! Not the pink! Anything but the pink!"

Just to see what would happen, Flower made the bubblegum turn blue. Immediately, Sirius's fear evaporated.

"Hi, friend! You look delicious! May I sample your arm?"

Flower turned it back to pink.  
"No! No more sampling! Eeeeeeek!" The monster enveloped him in a hug, ruining his hair.

Flower vanished the monster and Sirius sighed in relief. Then Flower made him bald and he screamed again.

"My hair! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

Flower spoke determinedly over the noise. "Well, James?"

He'd been in a corner, as though hoping to evade the room by going to where three of the room's walls met. Riiight. His robes changed to green and he shrugged.

"Actually, I don't mind green. I just can't _stand_ Slytherin."

Flower raised an eyebrow and the robes were now covered in Slytherin mascots, symbols, names, and colors.

"NOOOOO!" James thrashed about, as though hoping to beat off the robes. Flower told him to deal with it and turned to Remus, who now had a bubblegum-pink nose. Sirius spotted it and went after him, trying to rid dear old Moony of the horrid pink atrocity now attached to the middle of his face. Flower had him chained to the wall and let Remus get on with the Patronus-making. He said the incantation and a large silvery raccoon came out the end.

It faded, Remus's nose went back to normal, Sirius was unchained, and James was duplicated until there were ten of him milling about. Lily winced, then had a fairly obvious light-bulb-moment.

"_Geminio_," she enunciated, tapping herself on the head with her wand. Suddenly another Lily Evans appeared. She made more and more until there were ten Evans' preparing to hold back the ten Potters.

The room was a blaze of stunning spells and cries of "_Expelliarmus_!"

Finally, it was down to one James (the original) and one Lily (the original). Both had lost their wands and James was chasing Lily around the room. Lily glanced back, tripped over an inconveniently placed boot, and was caught.

James hugged her and set her on her feet. She glared daggers at him for a while, and then huffed over to a chair some four feet away.

Harry read his bit and turned red, looking over at Ginny. He sighed rather resignedly. "Fine."

The room put his costume on him and gave him a microphone. It started playing karaoke music for the lollipop song.

"Hey, what's the big idea.… What kind of song is this? This is idiotic!"

Flower rolled her eyes. "Just sing."

He continued, and by the end Ginny was laughing on the floor, Lily and Hermione were feeling sorry for him, Ron was with the Marauders, practically dying of laughter.

Flower wiped her eyes free of all tears. "That was horrid," she said flatly, "but highly amusing. Now, Ron; if you would."

Ron looked confused, and then he shook his head vehemently when he was provided with an ice-skating rink. Nevertheless, he was dressed up properly and sent on his way. Surprisingly, he only fell 174 times in the first two minutes, rather than the expected 200; Flower cursed under her breath as she handed Hermione her winnings.

Ron stood still for pictures and breathed a sigh of relief when he was given his normal clothes back.

Hermione winced, knowing she was next. Ron was determined to do well, and as such decided that luck was to go his way. He walked to the wardrobe, stuck his hand in blindly, and immediately pulled it back, having been cut. "What the bloody hell could give me a _cut_ in a _wardrobe_?" he demanded of Flower. She shrugged and reached in, pulling out a large replica of a shark's head.

"This."

"And _why_ was that in a _wardrobe_?"

"Good question."

Ron went the safer way this time; he closed his eyes and pointed randomly. It was a muggle television, and Flower decided that this wardrobe was not full of clothes. She had another one appear, and Ron eventually chose the most shapely thing he could find—a Coca-Cola bottle costume. He showed this to Hermione, who groaned. Harry, meanwhile, had been digging through a box of cosmetics and was trying to figure out what they did. He found some mascara ("Sort of looks like a miniature toilet scrubber to me… maybe you put it in your hair or something…."), a tube of lipstick ("I know how this works, at least; you put it on your eyelids….") and some hairspray ("This doesn't look too hard, there's a button there, and when I press it—AHH, MY EYES!"). Now, it was unfortunate for Hermione that he found the hairspray, because after spraying it in his eyes, he was practically blind; as such, his aim with lipstick was worse than Sirius's (le _gasp_).

Flower finished up her cookie and took a picture of Hermione. She cleaned her up and put up the next mail.

**OH MY MERLIN, THAT WAS HILARIOUS! XD Okay, so here's another list. Muhahaha...****  
****Peter: You shall play the victim in a murder play that really isn't a murder play. Muhahaha...oh yeah, and keep it up with the Elvendork thing. XD****  
****Sirius: I have decided to spare you from dying...for now. XD You must face the monster in your closet (which is really just the cookie monster). You shall loose. XD Also, you must be called Doggie for the rest of the chapter. XD Have fun!****  
****James: Try to get Lily to marry you and see what happens. XD Oh yeah, and your name is Jamie-poo for the rest of the chapter.****  
****Lily: Have fun with thinking up revenge. XD Oh yeah, and everyone mysteriously forgets your name (except for james, who is immune to my power...grr) and calls you Daisy.****  
****Remus: You get a visit from Tonks. ;) Oh yeah, and your fake name is Moony-Eyed. XD Sorry, my imagination is wearing out.****  
****Moody: First off, you're awesome. Second off, you get to be called Troll-face. *winces* Sorry, mate, but it's got to be done.****  
****Ron: I will allow you to get back at Harry for his relationship with Ginny. Remember when you found them snogging? XD Go, my evil child, go. Oh yeah, and you'rs Ickle Ronnikins.****  
****Harry: I'd wish you luck, mate, but I don't think it's going to make much of a difference.****  
****Hermione: You may have revenge on Ron for being a prat. XD Just make sure to keep the fatality rate to a minimum, because in the future he's the father of your children. XD How d'you like THEM apples. XD Oh yeah, and you're Her-my-oh-ninny, Hermy-one, or Er-my-nee for the rest of the chapter. XD Sorry.****  
****P.S. Flower, you are AWESOME! I can't wait for the next chapter.**

Flower nodded at Elvendork expectantly. He rolled his eyes and dramatically pretended to be stabbed with what appeared to be a live white squirrel.

Sirius had stopped reading at "cookie". He looked at the wall, waiting for the door. When it appeared, he opened it to find a large blue fuzzy thing among the sweaters.

"Wow, that's a very old cookie, to be so blue!" he commented. The cookie monster looked up and started to chant.

"C is for cookie, and cookie is for me! C is for cookie, and cookie is for me!" it said, in a highly creepy voice. Doggie frowned.

"No! Cookie is for me!"

"C is for cookie—"

"IT'S MINE!"

"—and cookie is for me!"

"Non, c'est mon biscuit et vous ne pouvez pas l'avoir! Où est mon biscuit? Donnez-moi mon biscuit!" (No, it's my cookie and you can't have it! Where's my cookie? Give me my cookie!)

There was a silence.

Flower asked, "Doggie, since when can you speak French?"

He shrugged as if this happened everyday. "I dunno, sort of picked it up over the years…"

"_Where?_"

"Oh, you know, London…."

While he was thus distracted, the secretly evil Cookie Monster started strategically searching his pockets for cookies. Having found Doggie's secret emergency stash, he quietly gobbled down the lot. He sneaked up on Doggie's back silently.

"WHERE MY COOKIE?" he screamed, banging Sirius on the head. Sirius shrieked like a little girl and ran to cower behind James, only to find that James had shrieked like a little girl and ran to cower behind Remus, only to find this spot taken by Peter. The monster disappeared.

Jamie-poo was given a ring and stepped in front of Lily. He boldly asked the question.

"Lily,—"

Lily didn't hesitate. "No."

Jamie-poo shook his head. "No, Lily, I was going to say that you have a mushroom on your head."

Lily frowned and pulled a purple mushroom off her head. She inspected it and chucked it over to Flower, who was grinning sheepishly. James continued.

"So, Lily, will you marry me?"

"No."

James got up again and shrugged. "Eh, was worth a shot."

Flower looked over at Lily. "Is this a regular occurrence?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Ah. Hey, what was your name again?"

"Lily Evans, don't you know that?"

"No, it couldn't have been Lily; you're sure it's not Daisy?" Flower asked thoughtfully.

"What? What kind of name is Daisy? My name is not Daisy!"

Doggie joined the conversation. "Daisy, did you hit your head or something? You've been called Daisy since you were born!"

"How would you know, you stalker!" shrieked Daisy.

Jamie-poo butted in. "Doggie, Flower, quit it. Stop bugging Lily."

"MY NAME IS NOT LIL— oh. Erm, thanks, James."

"It's Jamie-poo, to you."

"AARGH!"

A door opened, and a twenty-four-year-old Tonks stepped out. She looked around happily, then spotted Remus and grinned wider. She stepped over to him.

"So, how old are you, Remus?"

"Er, seventeen, and… How d'you know my name….?"

"Oh, right. I'm Tonks. Er, now, you know me as Nymphadora." She made a disgusted face at the name. "Anyway, in my time, we just got mar— erm, introduced, yeah, introduced. Right."

Moony-eyed didn't look very convinced. Tonks was in the process of walking over to Moony-eyed when she tripped over a very familiar troll-leg umbrella stand. She glared at it.

"I _swear_ that was _not_ there five seconds ago!" She went around meeting and talking with the others, then left through the door she came through.

Troll-face was scowling at the screen. "Troll-face?"

Ickle Ronnikins, meanwhile, was politely asking to have Harry held in place firmly. Then he began tickling Harry in any place he could reach. Harry, thoroughly surprised, said nothing between laughs. When he was fully tickled, Ron stepped back.

Harry panted, "What—the—bloody—_hell_—was—that?"

Ron pouted. "That's my line!"

Hermione read her bit, turned red-banana-red, and pulled out her wand. She conjured a bunch of oranges and made them chase after Ron. His eyes widened.

"Not again," he groaned. While running madly from evil oranges, he screeched, "Why, Hermy-one, why?"

******XD XD XD Very very funny! Please please please bring in Minerva! She's badass enough to demand being brought in.****  
****Remus: Since I am at the moment very unoriginal, the ceiling shall once again rain chocolate in various forms.****  
****Ron: Shall be referred to as Ginger for the entire chapter. :)****  
****Hermione: Please explain to Ron EXACTLY what you found likeable about Viktor Krum. I think he's still confused. :)****  
****Sirius: You are forbidden to say absolutely ANYTHING funny in this chapter. I'm curious exactly how this will work.****  
****Harry: What the hell, GO SNOG GINNY! Oh, and by the way, Ginger is being forced to watch. I'm feeling particularly evil at the moment.****  
****James: Please explain EXACTLY why you are NOT like Seely Booth (see Bones. if you don't know what that is, just ignore this last bit Flower.)****  
****Lily: Do me a favor and slap Pettigrew alongside the head. He needs it.****  
****And whichever character comes in next: Please hit Pettigrew as well. He does some unmentionable things. *cough cough* joinstheDarkLord *cough cough*****  
****Flower: Please keep writing. I CHALLENGE YOU TO UPDATE SOONER! And steal Remus's chocolate. PSHAW! THAT WAS SOOO NOT A EUPHEMISM! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? *evil grin***

The ceiling began to rain chocolate. Remus began skipping about, picking up the colorfully wrapped candies.

Ginger looked at Hermione. "Yeah, what exactly did you see?"

Hermione said, "Not much, really…. he was a bit grouchy, to tell the truth."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Nothing funny? Nothing at all? That's like Prongs—no. Nothing funny. Nothing funny. Nothing funny." He kept up this chant.

Harry glanced to his left where Ginny had been, only to find her just about four inches away. He jumped, then turned red and did what was to be done. Ron ground his teeth. Lily cooed and James/Sirius clapped solemnly, Sirius still muttering, "Nothing funny. Nothing funny."

Lily smiled at Peter. "With pleasure." She went and smacked him upside the head.

Ginny, knowing who Pettigrew was, vindictively did the same.

Elvendork rubbed his head, moaning.

Flower pointed to a random bit of wall and said with a rather high amount of importance, "Remus, look!"

He fell for it and looked, so Flower took the opportunity to snatch the basket of chocolate he'd gotten. She looked up. "That was easy."

Remus was unfazed, however, and simply pulled a chocolate bar from underneath his pocket. Flower scowled and stole it. He pulled another one out. She stole it. This happened more and more until Flower was buried under a pile of chocolate, and yet Remus had still more in his magical pocket.

Eventually Flower gave up. She started helping Remus load his pocket back up.

**Haha, I'm actually crying with laughter. That was amazing! :')****  
****Requests :P****  
****Remus: You can have an sock made of chocolate :)****  
****James: You must wear one of Lily's bras on the top of your head and wear a cape and pretend you're superman!****  
****Sirius: You shall have fleas for the chapter.****  
****Peter: You must be tickled all chapter.****  
****Ron: You must be called Won-Won all chapter xD****  
****Everyone in the room (except Harry): You must all draw lightning scars on your head and wear a wig that resembles Harry's hair :P****  
****I think that's enough for another chapter :D****  
****Thanks for making me laugh, Flower! You're totally awesome!****  
**

Flower said, "You're welcome, for making you laugh. That is rather what I try to do." She winked.

Remus smiled and hoped fervently that he wouldn't have to wear the sock; it'd melt and that would be a waste of chocolate. Flower was thinking the exact opposite of those lines and as such made him wear the sock. He discovered that he could chew it up while wearing it, by bending into a rather interesting shape. Flower took a picture and continued.

James was clothed in the requirements and ran around the room wildy, shrieking, "I dunno who this Superman guy is but having a cape is fun! WHEEE!" Lily wilted in her corner.

Sirius shrugged. "Eh, I get fleas all the time. It's not like I wash them off, or anything."

Everyone else scooted another foot away from Sirius.

Peter, reading his bit, was preparing to become prepared for a tickle-attack when Flower launched her pre-prepared tickle-attack. She signaled the Marauders plus herself, and they were given feathers. The converged upon the lone child like a pack of hyenas, ferociously attacking any bit of him they could reach and occasionally whacking him "accidentally". They dispersed eventually and moved on to the new wig-cabinet that had appeared very abruptly.

They all chose wigs (although there wasn't much to chose from, as they were all identical) and Flower went around drawing little lightning bolts on everyone's foreheads.

Harry was red-banana-red by now, muttering something about embarrassment. Flower heard this and shook her head.

"This is nothing. You should've seen the mass Harry Potter Convention in Florida a few months ago."

She faintly caught the words, "Harry Potter Convention?" before she'd moved on to Ginny.

**Oh. My, goodness. I love your story. Keep writing and if you need any suggestions of new characters to bring in, I'd love to help. coughcough/Voldemort,McGonagall/coughcough and some epilogue characters would be nice. This is the longest review I have ever written but you don't have to put it in if you don't want to. Thanks! OK for the characters...****  
****Flower: Can I just say that you're awesome and i love you soo much! and I wonder if you'll want a hearing aid by the time I'm done.****  
****Lily: snog James. You know you like him and you might as well get on with it. By the way I really like you! You were an amazing character!****  
****Sirius: be your dog form for the whole chapter and bark whenever someone says something.****  
****Mad-Eye: yell 'constant vigilance!' every time Sirius barks. as loud as you can****  
****Ron: run around the room for a chapter like a chicken and squwak everytime mad-Eye says constant vigilance. Oh and you can only compliment Malfoy (He might enjoy the show) when you try to speak like a normal person or you end up in a vat of some undistinguishable substance.****  
****Hermione: Scream like you've just seen voldemort kill everyone you love every time ron squwaks. I love how smart you are. Sometimes I feel a lot like you.****  
****Harry: I loooove you! Who can't love the main character in a story? I think that you should have to act like snape (which of course includes dressing like him and speaking like him) for a whole chapter. You can use this to your advantage, hint hint. Oh and yell, "Detention, Potter!" Every time Hermione screams.****  
****Peter: Flower, you can do whatever you want with him for the whole chapter. but make sure that he dances like a girl and has to moo like a cow whenever Harry yells about detention.****  
****remus: Smear yourself in choclate and sing the oompa loompa song from willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory every time Peter moos.****  
****Mwahahaha. I was in a particularly evil mood. XD**

Flower grinned. "Probably, yeah."

Lily glowered at Flower (heh, that rhymes). Luckily for her, she got within five inches of James and he fainted again. She threw a triumphant look at Flower.

Sirius sighed and transformed.

Flower tested out the system. "Hello."

"Woof!"

"CONSTANT VIGILAN—"

"Cluck, cluck! SQUAWK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Detention, Potter!"

"Mooo!"

"Oompa Loompa, doompity do, I've got a perfect puzzle for you."

Harry scrunched up his face and made his voice nasally. "I'm a poopy gorilla and my name is Snapey! Heh, this is kind of fun, actuall-"

"Woof!"

"CONSTANT VIGILAN—"

"Cluck, cluck! SQUAWK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Detention, Potter!"

"Mooo!"

"Oompa Loompa, doompity do, I've got a perfect puzzle for you."

Flower sighed. "Well, I'm going to have to stop this bit if I'm ever going to finish the next bit, so quit it, all of you—"

"Woof!"

"CONSTANT VIGILAN—"

"Cluck, cluck! SQUAWK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Detention, Potter!"

"Mooo!"

"Oompa Loompa, doompity do, I've got a perfect puzzle for you."

Flower grimaced and without saying anything, she went around and duct-taped everyone's mouths shut. She returned them to their normal states and removed the tape.

"All right, so the Marauders will be leaving today…"

Four people said, "But they're the most awesome people in this room!" Three guesses who they were. Flower glared at them and continued.

"…and I have given them permission to play _one_, I repeat, _one_ last prank. Begin!"

The four went in a corner and plotted. James and Sirius were doing headstands, and when Flower asked them what they were doing, they said it was their "thinking position".

After much whispering, they all went about their business; Remus thinking of the things necessary, the room providing whatever Remus thought, James and Sirius placing the things provided by the room, and Peter being a good watchdog and not letting anyone else see what was being put where. Flower caught a snippet of conversation, though she had no idea what it meant.

"No, I don't like the pineapple," came Sirius's voice. "How about some spam?"

"Eww, not spam," James replied. "Anything at all, just not spam."

Remus's pleading tones wafted over. "Sirius, we got spam last time, let's go for pineapple…"

And that was all she heard.

A while later, the non-Marauder people were turned around. Nothing in the room had changed, except there were three seventeen-year-olds in beach chairs eating pineapple pizza, and one large black dog on a beach chair, pouting (if that's possible for a dog). Well, now Flower knew what she'd heard. Peter had a large board in front of him, covered in buttons and levers, and there was a small green box dangling from the ceiling.

Moody, the least likely to know what the Marauders were like, stepped forward first. When he got about a foot away from the others, Peter pushed the third button from the right. A bucket of ketchup upended itself over Moody's head. He ducked the falling red blob, and Peter pushed about four buttons at once. Moody dodged the mustard, relish, cheese, and meat; unfortunately, he'd run right into a pit, at the bottom of which was a huge hot-dog bun. The room had put some more meat, ketchup, mustard, and relish into the bun, and so he found himself covered in all the ingredients. He scowled at the four.

Peter pulled a lever and a bucket of custard drenched Flower.

"Ha! Payback!" crowed Peter.

Flower rushed away, buckets of custard in all flavors upending themselves wherever she went.

Peter pressed another button and Harry was being followed by an angry iguana. It was attacking him with vicious-looking claws. He ran about, trying to outrun it.

Hermione looked around cautiously. Suddenly, a large springy tile appeared beneath her feet and it bounced her up, down, sideways, and diagonally. She looked as if she were about to vomit when a bunch of syrup was let down from the ceiling.

Ron kept spinning in circles, as if to see everything by getting dizzy. With another lever-pull from Peter, a plastic spider fell from the small green box onto Ron's shoulder. He went berserk, prancing about and brushing at his shoulder. Thus, not seeing where he was going, he slipped in a pile of custard and crashed into Moody, who'd just been climbing out of the hot-dog-lined-pit. They both fell in.

Ginny was more cautious, until Peter pressed a large green button and a hand sprung out of the wall, carrying her to a tall clear vat of what looked like pickle juice. It dropped her in.

This left Lily. Peter pressed a big red button and a pile of grapes fell out of the ceiling. Lily braced herself and didn't move. Peter frowned.

"Aren't you going to move?"

"No, I don't mind grapes."

Peter turned to the other Marauders.

"Guys, that was the last one in that spot! We need her to move!"

James applied his puppy dog eyes. "Lily, please move! Please, please, please move from that spot!"

When this didn't work, Sirius tried his tactic; pushing her. He strode up to her and started pushing her away, but before he could do anything, she squeezed a grape over his head and covered her ears.

"NO! MY HAIR! IT'S _RUINED_! _**RUINED!**_"

He retreated to the group.

Remus attempted psychology. "Lily, why don't you move? I mean, you're a _mess_!"

She raised an eyebrow. "As opposed to the rest of them?" she said, gesturing to Flower (now covered in custard), Harry (with bites and scratches from that iguana), Ron and Moody (scrabbling frantically at the edge of the hot dog pit), Ginny (sulking in pickle juice), and Hermione (bouncing and sticky).

Remus could not see a way around that point and let it go.

Lily smirked and stepped out of her house of grapes. Peter saw his chance and smacked a button. Several water balloons fell from the ceiling, bursting open to reveal grass and leaves.

"What the heck?" were the first words (not leaves) out of Lily's mouth.

Flower looked up. "Well, that's that," she said. "The Marauders are gone. And sorry for the wait, guys, but cut me some slack. I've been stuck in a car with my brother for eight hours a day for the past two weeks, no internet. Review, please!"


	20. Ginny's Mail

**A/N: All right. For the sake of my sanity, I shall repeat this. Erm, yeah. I don't like writing romance. Sorry. But there it is. And so from now on, if a piece of mail says like, **_**Harry: snog Ginny.**_** Or **_**Ginny: snog Harry**_** or, you know, et cetera, I'll just skip it. So, I'll do like the rest of the review but I'll just leave it out, because I'm frankly getting a bit tired of the same sort of request again and again... Thank you for listening to and/or reading this rant. If you didn't read it, you won't know what I'm talking about. So too bad. Also, on a happier note, I did a collab with Random Lily Flower, it's called The Joys of Muggle Studies. And another one is Witch Doctor. On with the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I actually **_**did **_**find that jellyfish in my toaster! Oh, no wait, that was just an oddly shaped piece of toast.**

Flower smiled. She was unusually happy today, and crept up on Moody. She tickle-attacked him, but then he Stunned her. She frowned inwardly, knowing now that a tickle-attack on Moody was a bad idea. Moody unfroze her and she put up the mail.

******Great xD Awesome!****  
****Flower: Let the Magical Room turn into a waterpark 'cuz that's the only thing I can think of at the moment, since that's what I'm doing tommorow. :D Yay Waterparks!****  
****Ginny: Dance! The first thing that came to my mind! Dance the whole chapter! Even at the waterpark! Muahahaha! And have some chocolate. Chocolate is good.****  
****Well, I'm not in a too imaginative mood today, so that's all!****  
****~Rhianna :D**

Ginny was handed chocolate and started dancing. The room transformed into a water park and Harry's eyes widened. He'd never been to a water park. He dived into a pool. Flower shook her head.

"Dude, you still have robes on!"

He surfaced and went to go change. Ginny, meanwhile, was doing the tango with a very surprised looking fish. Moody was cautiously rubbing sun lotion on his stub of a nose, even though they were inside. Hermione, Lily, and Ron were already swimming. Harry came back and dived in again. Flower went down a slide. Arnold the Pigmy Puff appeared out of nowhere and went to take the fish's place with Ginny, because the fish couldn't breathe air and was suffocating.

A trio of alligators started synchronized swimming, which Lily swam over to investigate. Suddenly, they each opened their mouths to reveal Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, and Hermes, who all flew over everyone's heads, pooping. Errol came to join the fun, but crashed into a Spanish galleon (the ship) hanging from the ceiling.

Princess Leia, from Star Wars, popped her head in. She raised an eyebrow and figured it out. She turned around and called back, "Hey, Chewie! Tell Luke that we've got the wrong galaxy _again_…"

Flower snapped her fingers and the water park faded back into the normal room.

"NEXT!"

**:D That was bloody awesome! :) Can I have more? Pleeeease? 8{ how can you resist a face like THIS? XD Anyways, sorry to see the Marauders go, but now that we have Ginny...hehehehe...****  
****Harry: You are do be attacked by the Killer Tomatoes (Bad horror flicks, anyone?). And you are now Scar-Head****  
****Hermione: Whenever you start a sentence, even if you're not talking to Ron (although that's less likely because you'd be snogging him. ;D), you must start it like so: "Honestly, Ronald,..." And so on and so forth.****  
****Ron: You must write and execute a speech about your love of Hermione and recite it to the whole room (in which Fred and George shall be invited into to tease you). XD I know it's like the Harry/Ginny one, but I just have to be evil...****  
****Ginny: Make gagging noises ALL THROUGH Ron's speech. And snigger lots. Oh yes, and you shalt follow Harry around like a lost puppy for the rest of the chappie.****  
****Lily (if you didn't leave with Ickle Jamsie-poo and his gang): You'll look at Ginny following a very flustered Harry around (Ginny follows Harry EVERYWHERE, and bathroom trips get a bit...awkward) and coo in motherly joy.****  
****Moody: Sorry about the Troll-face thing, but ask yourself this: "Was it really worse than being in the hot dog pit?" XD Food for thought.****  
****Tonks: PLEASE COME IN! I MIIIIISS YOOOOOOOOU! XD You're bloody awesome, I hope you know.****  
****Flower: -as are you. Awesome-ness is probably your middle name, or something like that. XD You're a Siriusly (haha) great writer. MORE IS NEEDED! :) Please?****  
****-Miri-who-writes-long-reviews. :) But you know you like 'em!**

Scar-Head shrugged. "I don't mind tomatoes, actuall—WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE MONSTERS?"

Ron pouted. "Hey, that's my line—OH MY ROWLING, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE THOSE MONSTERS?"

The Killer Tomatoes had arrived. They chased Harry around. Just as he was getting tired, Ginny said, "Harry! Oi, Harry! Catch!" She threw a potato at him. He held it, wondering what to do, when she yelled, "IT'S AN AUSTRALIAN BATTERED POTATO, SO EAT IT!"

"A _what_?" he screeched.

"Australian Battered Potato!"

"Austrian Bladder Tomato?"

"AUSTRALIAN BATTERED POTATO!"

"_ALBANIAN SPLATTER BURRIT—?"_

"JUST EAT IT!"

"Honestly, Ronald, you really should…"

Ron looked around, confused.

Harry ate the potato. Suddenly, all the Killer Tomatoes started hopping about as if they were small baby lambs. They flounced out a door.

Flower opened a door, sat on a beach chair and munched on popcorn. Fred and George introduced themselves to the room at large.

"Why hello! How nice to see you at last, dear Flower. I'm Gred, of course," said Fred.

"And I'm Forge!" George added. He turned to Lily. "Why hello, madam, you must be the lovely Lily, Harry's mum! Mind if we ask you a question?"

"Yeah, Lily. D'you know if the Marauders had any extra tricks up their sleeves?"

"We own a joke shop, you see…."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Is that bat Filch still at Hogwarts?"

"Yes, yes he is, barmy old codger."

"Good. You make sure to use this on him…." She lowered her voice and whispered to them, waved her wand in a specific way, and sent them off. They smirked identical evil smirks at each other before turning to find out why Ron was the color of a ripe red banana.

"Eh-hem, well, erm… she's erm, nice—"

He was interrupted by Ginny making a sound similar to that of a dying goat.

"…and er… pretty…"

Fred grinned. "Now, who are we talking about, here? Interestingly enough, I think I know…." He glanced at Hermione, who was red-banana-red.

George looked critically at Ron, then at Hermione. "Mmm hmm. I think Ronniekins is just a _tad_ more green than Hermy…"

They each blushed deeper.

"Oh look, now they match!"

Ron wanted to get it over with. "Erm, so she's nice, and pretty, and she does most of my homewor—"

Ginny made a noise like a bullfrog that got poked in the eye in the middle of a large croak. She looked proudly at Fred and George. "I_ dare_ you to make a more realistic gagging noise!"

They then commenced a gagging contest. Eventually, Fred actually did throw up his supper and they decided to stop.

Ron's other statements faded into the background.

Fred and George sniggered at Ron and slapped him on his shoulders on the way out. Ginny slapped him for the fun of it, and then resignedly followed Harry around.

Harry was red. And he needed to pee. But he didn't dare go, because Ginny was following him. He decided not to drink anything else, for the rest of the chapter.

Lily was cooing obediently at Ginny, who was looking bored, and Harry, who was looking almost as red as those tomatoes he was avoiding earlier.

Moody was oblivious to all this. He'd seen his name and read his bit, and had come to the conclusion that he didn't mind being called Troll-face, so long as he was _not_ covered in muggle condiments.

"NEXT!"

**That really was EXTREMELY FRICKIN HILARIOUS FLOWER! Thank you! That was the perfect pick me up I needed after dealing with nincompoops. Now... onward...****  
****One word first...****  
****BRING BACK THE MARAUDERS! DO YOU REALLY WANT MY BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! NO YOU DON'T! SO BRING THEM BACK! NOW!****  
****Sorry, tantrum was neccessitated. But you can avoid anymore of them little suckers by bringing in Minerva McGonagall! *hint hint nudge nudge wink wink* Okay... I'm tired these challenges will be shiste!****  
****Lily: Oh I dunno. What the hell, hold a chess match against Professor Dumbledore. I'm curious who wins.****  
****While we have Dumbles there, could we maybe get him to come back? If I pinky promise to give him lemon drops, will he come back? Please?****  
****Keep writing Flower! You have a true talent in this area.**

Flower thought about it. And decided on whether or not to bring McGonagall in, which she would not tell her readers. She ducked a couple of knives, a rake, a few rocks, quite a lot of tomatoes, and one surprised-looking elephant.

Lily grinned and Professor Dumbledore came in. He sat down with a chess set and Lily sat opposite him. She was the white side and began. After four hours of long and grueling chess, with eventually only each players' queen and king left, Lily won. She took his queen, leaving him with only a king. He bowed his head and said, with a twinkle in his eyes, "Well played, Miss Evans. I believe you could challenge Mr. Weasley…."

Ron raised an eyebrow, mirroring Lily.

Flower merely said, "Maybe, maybe. NEXT!"

**This chapter was hilarous, I even fell out of my chair from the laughing. But the Marauders are gone. That makes me sad. Can you send chocolate bars to James, Remus and Sirius. And a gigantic walking Voldemort Doll to Peter. Muwhahahaha. So, i'm going to move on.****  
****Harry; So, how are you doing? Oke uhm you're going to see some Harry/Draco art and you must wear the whole chapter long: A pair neon yellow clown shoes, a green jeans with red stripes and a rainbow colored afro wig. Tee- Hee****  
****Ron: Hi Ronniekins, I just want to say something. 1 Voldemort is now sitting in your closet 2 The way you eat is so gross. 3 Everytime you look at Hermoine you see Victor Krum. Muwhaha. 4 And that for one chapter long****  
****Hermoine: I have just one thing for you. I see alot of myslef in you and that is why there is no prank for you. Oke you get the chance to hit Lavender Brown with each spell your know****  
****Lily: Hi , you don't know the movie The little mermaid by disney, do you. If you do not, that is to bad because you're going to sing a song of it. So you're going to sing Part Of Your World in her costume.****  
****Moody; Hi, how are you doing. Do you like being in this story?****  
****Ginny: Hi, You're not my favorite character because you have a relation with Harry. And so the fanfiction that i read cannot be true, ever :( :( That makes me sad, so sad. And that is why evertime you say something a bucket with chocolatemilk over your head. O and in your fifth year, i think you can be hppy that harry breaked up with you. Because than you were the death weasley and not Fred**

Flower sent three owls out the window struggling with their huge packages of sweets. The fourth was carrying an oddly-shaped gift-wrapped box that seemed to be squeaking, "—vada—davra!" and wiggling.

Harry was resignedly popped into his outfit and waited for the art. The room showed him it and he appeared to go an interesting sequence of colors. First red, then yellow, then green, blue, purple, black, white, eggshell, and pink, and finally he settled on a delicate chartreuse.

The room sent him an airsickness bag just in time.

Ron read his bit, frowned at the closet thing, and made himself a mental note to check when he got home. "The way I eat is _not_ gross!"

Everyone else except Harry raised their eyebrows. In synch, they each said, "Yes, it is."

Harry, meanwhile, disagreed. "No, it's not that bad," he said. Ron grinned at him. Harry didn't notice and continued. "You should see how Dudley eats…."

Everyone heard Ron's grin fall with a splat to the floor.

Lily blushed, told herself that at least _Potter_ wasn't there, and—

Flower brought James through a door. Joy.

She steeled herself and started. "Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?"

"What stuff?" James whispered—ahem, _shouted_.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything?"

James didn't get it all through the song. Not one iota of understanding sparked in his brain. When Flower told him that it was a song from a movie, he nodded without paying attention in the least. He just kept staring at Lily, who was falling over because of her tail.

When it was over, James left, feeling he had a lot more to think about. Moody contemplated his question.

"I s'pose it's… all right. Yes. All right. Rather hard to keep up, what with everything happening. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! But yes, it's all right."

Ginny frowned at her bit. She took on a vow of silence.

**Haha :)****  
****Great chapter, but I'm going to miss the Marauders :(****  
****Requests though :P****  
****Ginny: You must let Harry draw whatever he wants on your face with a permanent marker pen.****  
****Harry: You must wear a dress and put some make-up on and insist you are a girl called Harriet :)****  
****Hermione: You must have ginger hair for a chapter :)****  
****Ron: You must be placed in a separate room and have numerous spiders attack you with pillows xD****  
****Lily: You can have a life size doll of James Potter to do whatever you want with :)****  
****Flower: Thanks again for another great chapter.****  
****Ciao! :D**

Ginny half-groaned, then stifled it. But it counted, and she was drenched in chocolate milk. Harry obtained a towel and a permanent marker pen. He dried up her face and drew what was _supposed_ to be a simple star on her forehead.

Flower wrinkled her brow. "What's _that_?"

Ron wrinkled his nose. "It looks like a bit of slime!"

Lily glanced at it. "It could be a rectangular prism…"

Hermione studied the shape. "Well, that bit there could be a face, and then it's a cow."

"But if you turn it upside down it's one of those muggle fellytones!" Ron realized.

Everyone turned their heads upside down to see if this was true. After a minute, Lily said, "No, I'm not seeing that one."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Not a telephone…"

"Nope."

"Ah, but a bit more to the right, and it's a jellyfish!" Hermione exclaimed.

Ron shook his head. "No, why would Harry put a jellyfish on Ginny's forehead?"

"None of us can decipher Harry's horrible drawing skills!" Flower cried in anguish.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Why don't we ask Harry, then?" A bucket of chocolate milk was dumped on her, and she frowned.

Harry was red-banana-red. "It was supposed to be a star, guys! Not a telephone, or slime, or a cow, or a jellyfish, or even a rectangular prism!"  
Everyone stared at Ginny's forehead, which made her slightly uncomfortable. Suddenly, it clicked in everyone's heads.

"OHHHHHHH!"

Flower nudged for Harry to get on with it.

He sighed resignedly and suddenly popped up in a rather frilly dress. He had a lot of muck caked about his face and said in a high falsetto voice, "I'm Harriet!"

Lily, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny stared at him.

Finally, Ron spoke. "Erm, no, you're not."

"Of course I am! I'm, like, totally Harriet!"

"No, you're Harry. My _male_ friend. We went through Hogwarts together?"

"No, I'm, like, Harriet! And this is, like, my BFF, Alastor! But I call him, like, Allie!" Harry seized Moody and shook him by the shoulders.

Moody yelled, "AARGH!" and pushed away from the psychopath.

Ginny's eye was twitching. Harry grinned maniacally. "Hey, like, you wanna be my friend? Like, my BFF? Only, he's my BFF at the moment… oh well, I'll switch! You're, like, my new BFF!" He seized Ginny and shook her too.

Flower was rolling about on the floor, laughing her head off.

"O. M. G. I just had the best idea in, like, _ever_!" Harry, ahem, Harriet, chattered. "Let's have a slumber party! Yeah! And we can all watch a movie! Like, something cute! Like _Aquamarine_!"

Ron was having a seizure at the thought of a "slumber party", watching _Aquamarine,_ with his best friend, sister, Hermione, and Alastor Moody, along with some random girl named Flower. Ginny, Hermione, and Lily had caught on and were laughing with Flower. And Moody was trying to get over the fact that he'd been christened "Allie, my BFF" by Harry Potter.

Flower recovered and poked Harriet. "Oi, you can stop now."

He turned normal again. "Thank Rowling, because my voice was starting to wear out."

Hermione looked at her hair. She inspected it, but was distracted by Ron's terrified/tortured screams.

"Déjà vu, from third year, with Ron's shrieks," she said.

Several acromantulas were whacking him with pillows. Flower directed them to also force him into tap shoes and make him dance.

"Spiders… want me to tap dance… don't want to tap dance!"

"Déjà vu, third year…" muttered Harry.

Eventually they left and Ron came back.

"Worst… nightmare…."

Lily was handed the doll. Flower gave her space. Lily began her ritual.

"Oh spirits, accept this offering of a life size doll of this idiot! Sorry, but it's the best I can do!"

She drenched the doll in gasoline and backed away. Then she lit a match and threw it at the limp form of cloth.

It exploded in light, the wave of heat washing over everyone. Lily's eyes were lit up by the glow, and she laughed crazily. She looked really scary at that moment, and Ron whispered as much to Hermione.

"You know, she looks really scary at this moment," he said. Hermione just nodded.

Flower had the sprinkler system turn on, so the fire went out.

Lily started sweeping up the ashes as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Flower stared at her. "You act like you do this every day!"

"Well, not every day… more like three times a week, or so… and mostly not with life-size ones," Lily said modestly. "I usually make them myself, so I don't have many opportunities to make them very big…"

Everyone pitched in to clean, except Flower, because she had to do the signoff.

"Goodbye for not-so-long!"


	21. Enter MM

**A/N: Okay, I'm giving in to the review pressure… read it! And also I'm updating twice in the same day... I know, scandal!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the awesomeness. Except Flower, of course; I own her. I also own at pinball, but I dunno if that counts for much here.**

Flower sighed and said goodbye to Lily. She went through the portal to her own world.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny looked around eagerly to see who would be coming in. Flower solemnly opened the plain door and out stepped… a large walking teddy bear. Flower's eyebrow went up and disappeared in her hairline.

She judo-threw it back to its world and opened the identical door next to it very dramatically. Now she was introduced to Jennifer. Jennifer is the large invisible green vampire that is part of a secret society called LAMP (standing for the Limp Association for Maltreated Pimples). Jennifer has nothing to do with this story, however, and so back to his meeting he must go, on planet Zorgon. Yeah, he's a he.

Flower went over to the obviously neon pink and green glowing sign saying _The Right Door_, pointing to a door. The sign was playing carnival music rather loudly. Flower slapped it firmly and said, "No. Bad sign. _No_." It shut up.

She opened the door and out stepped the long-awaited Minerva McGonagall. She shut the door behind her and asked Flower who she was.

"I'm Flower, and you're in my story. Get used to it; it's quite random."

McGonagall said briskly, "I live at Hogwarts; I was born for randomness. Now, what do I do?"

Flower said, "Well, for now we just wait for people to review!"

She turned to the audience. "Please review! If you do, I won't even throw a rake at you! Not even one!"


	22. MM's Mail

**A/N: I apologize. I really do. But, unfortunately, I seem to be plagued with evil teachers bent on the destruction of the rarity, **_**free time**_**, in my life. Contrary to popular belief, I in fact did **_**not **_**fall off the face of the earth! I get some extra time to write because we had to evacuate my school because of a chemical leak! Haha! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Or Hermione, or Ron, or McGonagall, or any other assorted characters in this story. Or Adventure Time, or Aquamarine.**

Flower swooped down on McGonagall. She was silent, owl-like, and completely unsure of why she was going to do what she was going to do. Flower let out a great screeching cry, and placed a large cardboard box on McGonagall's head. It said, "Smelly Dumbbell" on it— the professor did not appreciate it as much as Flower hoped she would (which is to say, not at all). Flower took a modest bow and stepped out of the way.

_**XD HUZZAH! No rake dodging! Ooh, Minnie, you're so awesome! So here are my requests.**__**  
**__**Minerva: Bother everyone with pop quizzes every five minutes on complicated transfiguration (especially Ron and not Hermione. XD).**__**  
**__**Hermione: Sorry, mate, but you knew it all anyways, so it wouldn't bother you. Anywho, you are to allow Ginny to give you a make-over (I know you'll hate this since I myself dispise this. Hehehehe...). ^^ Cheers, and have a lovely, make-up filled slumber party. Including Aquamarine. XD**__**  
**__**Harry: Erm...OOH! I got it! Try to get your hair to lay flat for once. Mwahahaha...**__**  
**__**Ron: Epic chess match with Lily that lasts a total of two days. ^^ Hope you brang snacks!**__**  
**__**Lily: Same. Except you get to use Legilimency. ^^**__**  
**__**Moody: I've noticed that people seem to be ignoring you, mate. I shant give in! XD Feel afraid. You must play cards with random animals. And loose. HAHAHAHAHA!**__**  
**__**Flower: No words can truly describe how truly awesome you are. You must write more, mate; I'M BEGGING YOU! Pwease? 8}**__**  
**__**-A-very-anxious-Tonks-like-creature-named-Miri**_

McGonagall gave a rare tight-lipped smile. She calmly asked Ron what the capital of Uganda was. He shook himself, saying, "Wha… Huh? Capital of my panda?" Then she asked him what the incantation for turning a human into an idiot was.

"I'm not an idiot!"

"Then stop acting like one. You, Potter. What does _Calvorio _do?"

"Erm, it, erm, yes?"

Hermione's hand was waving desperately in the air. McGonagall called on her, and immediately a boatload of information tumbled out of her mouth.

"Calvorio is a spell that is cast on a victim to make him or her bald. It is also useful in vanishing hats. When cast, there is a possibility that the spell will backfire and will affect the caster. Although, I think that if you cast it correctly, you really shouldn't stand a chance of having it backfire, and since the most common reasons spells backfire are faulty wands, faulty spells, and a faulty caster, if you're fine, your wand's fine— and obviously that spell's fine, I've done it myself—then it should work. And there's no spell to turn a human being into an idiot; at least, not yet." She threw a pointed glare at Ron.

She took a deep breath as Harry and Ron stared at her. Ron muttered, "I _swear_ I'll never get over how she does that."

"Correct, Miss Granger. Five points to—well, I don't suppose there are house points in this room, are there?"

Flower straightened up. "Actually, there are"—she snapped and a few huge hourglasses appeared; one each for Hermione, Harry, Ron, Ginny, Flower, and Mad-Eye Moody—"now, anyway."

"Well, then. Five points to Hermione." A few blue gems fell onto the pile.

Ron frowned. "How does she already have so many points? We have none!" And it was true. The only hourglasses with anything in them were Hermione's, with fifteen shiny sapphires, and Flower's, with twenty glowing amethysts.

Flower shrugged, and blatantly said, "Well, I'm biased."

They all figured that this was true, and moved on.

"Evil JELLYFISH! They're gonna GET ME!" Flower shrieked.

She got quite a few weird looks, and a couple of amethysts dropped into the hourglass. This inspired the others.

"OH NO! The attack of the repulsive picture frames!" A few maroon gems for Ron.

"Killer tomatoes everywhere! They're going to _flounce_ at me!" Two green ones for Harry.

"Purple mushrooms! PURPLE MUSHROOMS, I TELL YOU!" Fourteen really light blue gems for Ginny. She stuck her tongue out at the others. "Now, what do I have to do?" She re-read the mail and groaned inwardly. Then she decided that it was stupid to hide, so she groaned outwardly too.

Hermione was given the twenty-five-pound box stuffed with cosmetics, rocks, lead, and other heavy things. She pulled out the thing most familiar to her- ironically, one of Harry's worst enemies- a hairbrush. She was methodical in her perusing of the box, sorting out what she knew how to use from what she didn't. She ended up with about six things on one side and about thirty-five on the other. On the "know" side were flint and steel, lead, the hairbrush, hairspray, and lipstick. Everything else- mascara, eyeliner, something called lip-liner, a small bucket of green slop, and twelve "variations" of the exact same fake fingernails, among others- were unceremoniously shoved into the box. She put aside the flint and steel, and the lead. The hairbrush she used to attack an approaching beetle, and she began. In the end, almost nothing had happened. Ginny now sported freshly-brushed hair that smelt slightly of elderberries, but other than that she stayed the same.

"That was entertaining," Flower yawned.

Hermione handed Harry the brush and the hairspray. He signed resignedly, said, "It's not going to _work_, you know," and attempted. He tried. And failed. Miserably. Disastrously, dismally, grievously, horribly, lamentably, regrettably, sadly, unhappily, unsuccessfully, however you want to put it.

Eventually they moved on to the random games. Ron prepared for a really long chess match, giving his pieces prep talks and stocking up on food. Lily was brought in and was taught Legilimency, a fast 1-minute video made by a mysterious individual that could talk to snakes and had a high-pitched cold voice, now deceased. Moody was introduced to the animals he was to lose at cards to. The animals were instructed on how exactly to beat him. Flower finished her pasta. That dang monkey with the sushi was kicked out. And some guy with a large orange hat and purple leggings was told that he'd gotten faulty directions to the Renaissance Fair.

Ron and Lily commenced their game. Moody started up with the animals. Flower practiced her archery on an irritating fly that would _not _go away. That monkey with the sushi sneaked back in, but nobody noticed. Moody lost his first game of rummy to an old giraffe that couldn't even hold her cards upright. Ron's queen was taken by one of Lily's knights. Moody's card games were not faring so well. In about four minutes, he'd lost six rounds of rummy, four goes at poker with cheetahs, and one game of Go Fish, which had, funnily enough, been won by none other than a fish.

Ron and Lily kept at it.

_**Hey!  
Minerva: You're awesome and very smart, Professor. Everytime someone speaks to you, they must say 'Sup Minnie!' first, and you may give them detention if it annoys you too much. They must serve this detention in a pancake covered room with an angry pengiun and a Grumpy Cat named Silver The Squish-cat as the supervisior. Silver's my brother's cat x). She's GRUMPEH! Oh, and by the way, she doesn't like people too much.  
...At least I'm random-y-er this time.**____**  
Oh, and I feel like punching Ron randomly in the face today. I know I can't help but love the boy, but I like to punch people sometimes. Do send Ron my punch in the face. And then he and the rest of the people in the room can have some of my home-baked chocolate chip cookies! Mmmm...  
Well, I believe that's more than enough...Good-bye!  
~Rhianna :D**_

Flower strode up to the ongoing chess game and punched Ron. He squealed, then continued egging on his bishop. Chocolate chip cookies rained from the sky, and everyone (except Lily and Ron) stopped what they were doing to catch a few. Lily, not looking up, snagged a cookie with her left hand whilst ordering around a pawn. Ron attempted the same maneuver but ended up having to look, because he happened to have grabbed Minnie's robes by accident.

"Oh. Sup Minnie, sorry."

She fumed. Harry tripped over a troll-leg umbrella stand and said, "Sup Minnie. I suppose I know how Tonks feels now…."

She fumed some more.

Hermione accidentally shoved Minnie over. "Oh, Professor McGonagall.. I mean, erm, sup, Minnie. Sorry!"

"Hey, Hermione, could you come over here? Oh, and sup, Minnie," Ginny called.

Harry poked the red professor. "Sup, Minnie—"

"WILL YOU ALL STOP CALLING ME "MINNIE"! DETENTION FOR POTTER, MISS WEASLEY, AND, UNFORTUNATELY, MISS GRANGER!"

They all trudged to the Door of Shame. They waved good-bye and nodded to a strange man named Roger the Shrubber. In the Detention Room, pancakes were everywhere. Everywhere, everywhere. In fact, it was so pancake-y that they did not at first see the angry penguin, whom we will temporarily christen Bob, and Silver the Squish-Cat. Silver eyed them as if they were fish, or an unusually succulent bit of catnip. Bob waddled closer, and the door swung shut. He meeped threateningly, and signaled to Silver with a flipper. Her claws slid out of their sheaths. Harry, Hermione, and Ginny all raced to find pancakes thick enough to be used as shields, but they were all too heavy or too slippery with syrup. They huddled together, getting ready to die by the paws/flippers of Squish-Cats and penguins, when suddenly Harry had an idea.

"Hey, guys!"

"What? Do you have an escape plan?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, then? What is it?"

"Tell us!"

"We will," Harry paused for dramatic effect. "_open_ the _door_."

There was a silence, then they all started running. Bob slid along on his belly and Silver raced ahead. She cut off their path, but they threw a pancake at her. Bob crashed into Silver, who was trying to dodge the pancake. Harry wrenched open the door and the girls rushed out. Ginny slammed it closed.

"Next, already!"

_**YAY! MINNIE! :D**__**  
**__**Requests..**__**  
**__**Everyone must call McGonagall, Minnie Mouse for the whole chapter :)**__**  
**__**Harry: You must dress up and act like Uncle Vernon for the chapter.**__**  
**__**Hermione: You must pretend to be an owl, and flap your arms like they are wings. You must also eat owl treats when they are offered to you.**__**  
**__**Ron: You must only eat vegetables and healthy food for this chapter. That means no puddings! :')**__**  
**__**Minerva: You must talk like a gangster and do some silly hand gestures like they do, while wearing lots of bling. You must also rap about how cool Dumbledore is.**__**  
**__**Ginny: You must start a random conversation with a wall, and when it doesn't talk back start screaming abuse at it.**__**  
**__**Thanks for the two chapters, Flower :D**__**  
**_

Harry busied himself with coloring his face "Moldy Prune" and trying to get rid of whatever neck was visible. He found a fake mustache, put a bit of fried egg on it, and stuck it on. He cleared his throat repeatedly, with more and more vigor.

"Arrgh! Ahem! Humph-bumph! YERG! All right. You there! What're you doing with that piece of fairy-cake! Drop it and start nailing your piece of paper to that fence!" he shouted at Hermione.

Hermione said, "I'm _not _an owl!" left Harry, and stretched out her "wings". She flapped them wildly and bit people at random.

Ron had to tearfully say goodbye to his kippers, turning instead to salvage something tasty from the "healthy food" pile left by Hermione the Owl.

McGonagall sniffed disdainfully at the small set of shiny metal that Hermione the Owl had dropped off. She attached a few of the pieces, leaving altogether those too ostentatious. She sighed and composed a miniature rhyme.

"Dumbledore is so cool, he's never jumped into a pool, and he's not a spool or a mule or a stool. He rules. All right," she enunciated. Then she paused, made a face as if she were sickened with herself, and said, "mah _homies._" She shuddered and took off the bling. Then she went to wash her hands.

Ginny, meanwhile, had started asking the wall about its personal life.

"So, d'you play any instruments?"

Pause.

"No? D'you like to read? Or bicycle?"

Pause.

"All right then. D'you like pizza? Or maybe pasta? Or Chinese food, or French?"

Pause.

"Okay, D'you do anything other than sit here?"

Pause.

"Fine then! _Be_ that way! Sheesh, don't you know it's _polite_ to _respond_ when people ask you a _question?_"

Pause.

"Rowling, you're thick! Why won't you respond! Gah, you stupid"—she kicked it—"dumb"—another kick—"idiotic"—a punch now—"annoying"—another punch—"WALL!" She huffed over to a corner, then sat and sobbed. She whipped her head up suddenly, seeing that she was right next to the wall she'd been screaming at.

"WHAT'RE _YOU_ LOOKING AT?" And off she went to a different corner.

**everyone must sing annoying stupid songs that get stuck in your boys must be stuck in a room watching girly stupid dramas and the girls must watch lame stupid comedys that only guys watch as they are .im lame. FFLLOOOWWWWEEEERRRR! I LOOOVE THIS THIIIING! p.s where the hell is nevile?hes the loveable nerd!no one can hate him!bring him in!(oh dear why did i just say that..what have i done to poor nevile...)**

"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man…" Ginny began.

"London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…" Harry continued.

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…" Flower sang.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…" Ron crooned.

"Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut yesterday…" McGonagall grumbled.

"This is the song that never ends, for it goes on and on my friends…" Hermione hummed.

Silence. Flower stared at Moody. "Go on, sing one!"

"I don't know any!"

"Yes you do!"

"Oh, fine."

Silence.

"Well? Get on with it!"

He turned red-banana-red. "I'm a… Barbie girl, in my Barbie world..." he mumbled. "What? It's the only one I know!"

"It'll do, I suppose… Now, all ye, separate!"

The boys shuffled over to a room, the girls another.

_With the girls…_

McGonagall turned on the TV, which showed a title screen for something called _Adventure Time._ In it, a stretchable dog carted a small boy with a high-pitched voice around on a random, at times disgusting, quest to accomplish absolutely nothing.

_With the guys_…

Moody switched the television on. A movie was just starting, something called—

"Oh no. Not this!" Ron moaned.

"Why? What's so bad about it?" Harry said.

"Look at the name, mate. It's got to be horrible if it's called _Aquamarine._"

"Well, lets watch it."

The movie consisted mainly of a mermaid walking about and swooning after some guy, who, it was unanimously decided, looked awfully like Professor Flitwick.

**Hmm... *crazed evil laugh* well minerva really should enjoy this. Ron, with a broken wand, gets to practice transfiguration and defense against the dark arts one Draco malfoy! A random blind monkey gets to dress mogonacall up. Moody is to teach a kindergaden class, and whenever Harry talke, moody screams "constant vigilance and pudding!" flower gets to dress Ron up and hermione, who will now be known as hermen monster thing (very potter musical referance) must send malfoy a signed love letter. You absolutly rock, flower. And if anyone calls luna anything short of awesomely fantastikal, I'll feed them to a rabid bassalsik. Hugs and pie and luv, Ashley :p**

Malfoy came through a door. Ron was given a broken wand, and now Malfoy sported a couple bruised ribs, was burping snails, had a few black eyes and one bruised ego, among other things. He was sent away.

A monkey was given a wardrobe, and it pulled out a fake shark head. The monkey threw a questioning glance at Flower, who shrugged and pointed to the other wardrobe. He nodded and headed over. He was blindfolded and he chose some sort of banana getup along with a large cheese-head hat. She was dressed, and then she was photographed.

Flower decided on a huge maroon paper bag with a head-hole for Ron. He was shoved into it and then he grumbled and went to go change.

Moody was not faring well. Kindergarteners were really not his type. Not at all. He'd made two of them cry, he'd gotten punched in the shins by one, and one had left, got hold of a hammer, and whacked his toes before the weapon was confiscated. He'd also stunned four and put a body-bind curse on one of them. They were mind-wiped and sent back to wherever they came from. Moody, for his horrible teaching skills, was sent to a time-out corner.

Hermione took out a quill from seemingly nowhere, obtained some parchment, and started writing. She handed it to Flower, who read it out loud.

"Malfoy. I am required to send you a 'love letter'. I've read all about them, so I should be able to come up with something that'll scrape an O. So, here goes." There was a pause, then Flower said, "There's about four lines' worth of space, so I'll assume there's nothing there. But then it keeps going, with: 'Well, there's not much to say, is there? Ah well, it'll have to do. It's not as if I'm to be _graded_ on this, is it? Farewell, twitchy ferret.'"

She sent it off.

**heeheehee I've been waiting SO long for this! **(A/N: hehe, sorry about that…)

**Here we go:****Flower: Your story is awesome, and I want to see you bring in Emmett Cullen and beat him in a wrestling match.****  
****Harry: You are awesome, I loved your death scene in the last book, so EPIC! Haha I want you to go through the obstacle course given in Care of Magical Creatures in what I believe was the fourth book.****  
****Ron: You must be upended in to a giant vat of yogurt, and eat your way to the bottom. Then you must become a spider farmer.****  
****Hermione: You must go up to McGonagall and insult her with every insult you can think of.****  
****McGonagall: You are my favorite Hogwarts teacher :) You have to transfigure Hermione in to a snake, Harry in to a dolphin, Ron in to a pig, Ginny in to a toucan, and Flower in to a porcupine. Then you must open a petting zoo to all of Hogwarts. You decide what tricks your animals must perform.****  
****That's all for now! I love you all and send hugs to everyone! (except Ron, sorry I never really liked you and found you kind of obnoxious in the series :P) Bye!****  
****~SMARTCUTEFUNNYXD**

Flower opened a door and a large body bag was hurled through. It was struggling, and when she opened it, a large smelly _thing_ leaped out. She shrieked and kicked it, hard. It flew backwards and straightened up. Flower put her hair up and tied a small stone-embedded string at the end. She told the _thing_ that she was to wrestle it; it complied (thinking that it was to win). A ring appeared and they stepped inside. Flower stepped delicately to one corner, waiting politely for him to move.

He started it, lunging towards her. She moved about four inches to the left, and he smashed into the ring corner-post. He turned around, snarling.

"Fine, you want to be that way?" he panted.

"Why else would I _act_ this way, if I didn't want to?"

He dashed forward again, but this time she ducked and got in a good nab to the solar plexus. He fell over near-instantaneously. She bent over him to see if he was still alive. Yes? Aww, she'd aimed for harder. But, alas, it was time for him to be shoved back into a body bag and sent back via some form of Canadian mail service.

Flower said, "Well, I don't believe there ever _was _a Care of Magical Creatures obstacle course, but of course I'll make one!"

Suddenly a line of huge cages appeared. Sliding doors connected them. Inside were all manners of nasty creatures—twenty Bowtruckles, six Blast-Ended Skrewts, seven hungry Thestrals, twelve insulted Hippogriffs, two sphinxes in a row, Cornish Pixies, a cage of Acromantulas, several trolls and a few offended centaurs, and one huge basilisk.

Harry was armed with a wand, and pillow-padding (generously donated by one Draco Malfoy's dorm room, which was a second cousin, fourteen times removed, of the Awesome Room of Awesomeness).

Harry went through the Bowtruckle one easily, thanks to the pillow-padding and a Bubble-head charm. The Skrewts set his pillows on fire, so he had to put them out before making a dash for the door. He summoned some raw meat and let them go for it, patting one on the head as he went by. The Hippogriffs he was worried about. He went for the most polite thing he knew how to do, Hippogriff wise—he held his exaggerated bow for about three minutes straight, throwing the horse-eagles some dead ferrets. He slowly went through the door to see Sphinx Number 1. It told its riddle—

_I have no eyes,_

_You see me and cower._

_I tell no lies,_

_Right after a shower._

Harry thought, but eventually he figured it out. "It's a mirror! But I don't cower in front of mirrors!"

"That was the correct answer."

"I don't cower!"

"It would be in your best interest not to argue further."

"Fine, then."

And he stomped through the door. The second sphinx asked its riddle.

_You and your enemy_

_Have one thing in common;_

_It's useless for both of you_

_And looks just like Ramen._

Harry thought. Well, his enemy was Voldemort. Duh. But other than looks and past, Tom Riddle Junior and Harry Potter did not share much. So, what's useless? A family genealogy book? But it doesn't look anything like Ramen noodles, delicious though they were. Suddenly, a childhood memory came rushing back to him. It was at Number 4, Privet Drive. Dudley was dumping uncooked noodles in Harry's hair, and they were each about five. Aunt Marge sat in the background, drinking brandy and petting Ripper. The noodles. The hair. Useless. A—

"Hairbrush, even though it doesn't really look that much like Ramen!"

"Correct. You may pass."

Harry rushed through the door. He shot spells at a few and made a dash for the cage gate. The acromantulas were next. Harry went in and summoned a huge dead elephant. The spiders went to feast, and Harry crept through the door. Trolls were milling about in the next one. They spotted Harry, but didn't think he was a threat and went on milling. Harry slid past. The centaurs were angry. Harry paused.

"Well, erm, err, hi, then."

"Hello, foal of humans."

"Erm, well, can I pass?"

"No, you may not."  
"Why?"

"Mars is bright tonight."

"Well, all right then."

"Mars is _bright _tonight, young one."

"Okay."

"You do not understand the ways of the world."

"So, can I go now?"

"No. You must bring us… a shrubbery."

"Erm, okay…"

He summoned a shrubbery.

"All right. You may pass."

Harry went through, giving weird glances to the centaurs.

The basilisk was sleeping. Harry carefully avoided it, and sort of slithered through the last door.

"YES!"

The basilisk woke up, but the room vanished it before it could kill anyone important.

Ron sighed. A claw picked him up, and he was dutifully upended in a giant vat of yogurt. He chomped up a lot of it, then got sick over the edge. Moody vanished the vomit. Ron kept eating. At the bottom, he burped loudly and clambered out. He was thoughtfully provided with a sack of spiders and a few yards of cobwebs. The sack writhed and twitched in his hands. He shuddered.

Hermione bravely (sort of) stood up. She stumbled over to McGonagall and started.

"Erm, just, first I'd like to say that I don't actually think this stuff and I'm only doing it because of the mail and I hope you won't take it to heart and please please _please_ don't give me detention and—"

"Get on with it, Miss Granger."

"Ah. Then, you're the worst, stuck up, self-centered pig that ever existed in the history of the world. And you give too"—she shuddered delicately—"too… much homework. And also you are, erm, not pretty. I'm really not good at this, am I?" she added, turning to face Flower's video camera.

"Nope, not good at all!" Flower responded chirpily.

"Well, erm, continuing, you… you… you smell like _Ron_! And you have drawing skills worse than _Harry's_. And… erm…. Oh! Yes! Your hair looks more greasy than that of Severus Snape."

McGonagall gasped. Surely Miss Granger would not stoop so low?

Hermione took a deep breath. "Well, that's all I can come up with."

McGonagall whipped out her wand. She made assorted gestures at the occupants of the room, and now the room transported them all to the Great Hall. Students from all sides stared. Ginny, as a toucan, squawked rather loudly. Minerva herself had quickly been altered by the magical room when they were leaving- now she was in an orange and yellow pinstripe suit. She shouted over the students, "Come and see the amazing Hogwarts Petting Zoo! With five _whole_ animals, one commentator, and"—she flicked her wand at Moody thoughtfully—"a newly reinstated _janitor! _Twelve sickles a pet."

Students swarmed. Sickles from all sides were thrown into Minerva's hat. But, curiously enough, they were not rushing toward the _animals_, they were rushing toward the _janitor_.

Moody was swarmed by thousands of obsessed "fans". His hair was petted (and yanked out), his wooden leg was petted (and yanked out) and one person went so far as to touch his eye—the normal one, that is. Luckily, this did not get yanked out.

Minerva willed the magic room to take them back. They whooshed to fill in the empty room, Moody thankful that he'd managed to find his missing leg. He shoved it back into place and twisted it around a bit.

**Hey! Macgonagal, ur totally awesome, and get pie! To Draco, uv got an ego the size of hogwarts, but I like you anyway. Send Lilly a lifetime supply of life size James dolls, and hermione has to admit her fellings for Ron. Also, she must recite 5 very important hogwarts school rules, and break all of them. She must also act dumb, and every one woill call her hermen. Sorry 8{. And to flower, this story is just amazing! Great job!**

Flower was just sending off the package of deluxe jumbo voodoo dolls when Hermione started her part.

"Erm, well, I like you. Obviously."

Ron and Hermione were both deep red. Flower echoed the Weasley twins from so long ago.

"Hey, look! They match!"

Hermione immediately rattled off a list of rules that even McGonagall was impressed with.

"No using spells in the halls. No magic during the summer hols. Do not enter the Forbidden Forest. You must have the signed permission slip to go to Hogsmeade. And under no conditions, none whatsoever, even under pain of death, are you to poke a Hufflepuff with a spoon."

Hermione appeared in the Charms Hallway. Looking rather guilty, she cast a quick jinx at the passing Mrs. Norris. Filch would be surprised when he found his beloved orange and permanently slimy.

She took her permission slip, ripped it up, and strode into Hogsmeade. Nobody noticed.

She _Reparo_-ed it and walked calmly into the Forest. Nobody noticed. Again.

She came back to the room and turned Ron into a toad.

"Does this count as summer holidays?"

Flower tried to control her laughter. "Well, it's a bit late, isn't it, Herman?"

"I suppose…."

Suddenly, Cedric Diggory popped out of nowhere. Flower handed Hermione a spoon. She turned on Cedric.

"I'm sorry, Cedric, but this is for your own… actually, I suppose it isn't. Ah, well." She commenced the poking.

"Ow! Ow! What are you doing? This is against the rules, you know! Stop it, Herman! I'll _find_ a way to tell Dumbledore! Ouch! AAARRRGGGHH!" he said, as Hermione sent in a vicious last jab.

He disappeared.

Flower grinned and turned sheepishly to the audience.

"Ah, see, I'm really sorry about the wait. But this is ten pages long, my teachers hold a vengeance against me, and I just got on break yesterday…. I hope this makes up for it (somewhat)."

MEANWHILE…

Pandemonium in the Great Hall! The animals had disappeared, the teachers were freaking out, Prefects were practically petrified like paper, students were crying and screaming, and worst of all, the beloved Moody had gone! The janitor was… missing!

Bum bum _BUMMM!_


	23. Enter UL

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; except Flower, of whom I own exactly 57.36 percent of.**

**A/N: I felt guilty for the wait last time, so I'm trying to finish this quickly. 90 REVIEWS! *happy dance***

_Hogwarts, the Fifth Floor, Broom Cupboard next to the Charms Classroom._

Moody grimaced. This was _not_ what he'd signed up for, when he'd agreed to go to that Room of Flower's. This closet hardly had room for brooms, let alone Alastor Moody in a janitor's outfit. He didn't even know why he was there; one moment he was being mobbed, the next stuffed in an undersized cupboard. He tried to will himself back into the Room. At least there he could use magic—his janitor getup had been so complete, he was even wandless, like that Squib, what's-his-name… Filth? No, not Filth. Something like that, anyway. Moody wrinkled his nose. Speaking of filth, when was the last time this cupboard was cleaned out?

_Meanwhile_…

A review was being seen.

**NOOOOO! NOT MOODY! ...I miss him already. 8'{ Well...I suppose I have to move****  
****on with my life...review your lovely story, and all that. Right...****  
****McG: Make everyone except Hermione go into a brainwashing session that will****  
****make them as intelligent as Hermy. Make Hermione herself take a mind-numbingly****  
****dull course on the Chudley Cannons, the Arrows, the Magpies, and assorted****  
****British quidditch teams such as that. MWAHA!****  
****Draco: Shove your head down Myrtle's toilet, you ferre...wait a minute...****  
****Moody: Turn Drakie-poo into a ferret for a few chapters and carry him around****  
****as your familiar for a few chapters, if at all possible.****  
****Ginny: Steal Harry's boxers and see what happens.****  
****Hermione: Same, but with Ron. Ginny and you must execute a heist of great****  
****proportions! Mwahaha...****  
****Ron & Harry: Conduct an eating contest using only Brazilian Beaver Cheese.****  
****Flower: I greatly appreciate the update, my friend! I look forward to new****  
****installments and congratulate you on almost making it to 90 reviews!****  
****CELEBRATION! Woot! XD****  
****-Miri**

Flower did a head count. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Minerva, Flower, and… shouldn't there be another?

Oh! Moody! Where was he?

"Room of Awesomeness! Bring back Mr. Moody!"

Draco Malfoy was shoved through the door.

"No, not him! The one who's _named_ Moody! You know, _Alastor_ Moody?"

Draco disappeared, to be replaced by Mad-Eye.

"Good to have you back, Mad-Eye."

"Where's my wand?"

"Oh. Right."

McGonagall grinned. "With pleasure."

Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Moody were stuffed into a room. They all were lectured by a rather confused-looking narwhal, which of course they couldn't understand. Flower fixed it and they kept going.

Hermione braced herself, but she could not resist. For the first time _ever_, Miss Hermione Granger fell asleep during a lecture.

Flower was exactly in the middle of these lectures. She could hear both, and it was quite amusing…  
"…and the properties of Moonstones are very simply added to a Draft of the…"

"…Chudley Cannons. This is possibly the worst team in existence, because…"

"…the belladonna plant is highly regarded as the worst-smelling way to…"

"…kill the hornets of death, but that's only a legend…"

"…which, when used correctly, can make…"

"… that idiot go and try it, which then gets him murdered, of course, by…"

"…the vicious chicken of Bristol. Now, if you mix…"

"…a caterpillar and a parrot, you…"

"…get a walkie-talkie, which is a form of Muggle…"

"…gardening services."

Flower tapped the wall.

"Say, turns out we _do _need the other moody one. No, not the one we have, the one named Draco Malfoy. Yes, that one," she added, when the confused teen was pushed back through.

Moody turned him into that albino ferret, and added a small ferret-wheel to the corner. Malfoy went to run in circles like a good ferret.

Ginny was given Harry's dresser. Harry went to sit in a corner and turn red as Ginny's hair. He covered his eyes and ears, so he could only hear muffled versions of what was going on…

"Hey, Hermione!"

"Yes, Ginny?"

"Harry has Bugs Bunny boxers!"

"You do that—wait, _what_?"

"Bugs Bunny boxers!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, come see!"

Raucous laughter.

"Hey, Ron!"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Harry has Bugs Bunny boxer shorts!"

"I don't really care—wait, _what_?"

Et cetera. After a while, Ron came to take Harry's place.

"Hey, Professor McGonagall!"

"Yes, Miss Granger?"  
"Ron has Tweety Bird boxers!"

"I hardly think that I would ever need to know—wait, _what_?"

Raucous laughter.

"Hey, Ginny!"

"Yes, Hermione?"  
"Ron has Tweety Bird boxers!"

"Well, I already knew that. I live with him."

"Oh."

Plates of beaver cheese were placed on placemats placed in front of the two's faces. Flower started a timer.

"And…. Go!"

Cheese was sucked into the vacuums of their stomachs. Not surprisingly, Ron finished first. He burped, causing Flower to nearly fall over from the smell.

Harry didn't bother to finish his once the Cheese Head—ahem, I mean, Ron, was finished.

Good-byes were conducted, and then Harry, Ron, and Hermione were rather unceremoniously shoved out the door.

When that was over, she opened the other door.

A familiar high-pitched noise greeted them.

"Hem, hem."

Flower grinned evilly. "Why, hello there, Dolores."

The toad-like witch glared at her as Flower opened the other door.

"_What_ is the meaning of this?"

A tallish blond man with glaring grey eyes and flowing robes stepped out.

"Hello, Lucius."

"Who are you? And why is Umbridge here?"

"I'm Flower, et cetera. Read the new rule book."

Two copies of a bright orange book were dropped on the newcomers' heads.

"Ouch!" Lucius exclaimed.

"Oh, my!" Umbridge tittered.

Lucius flipped his book open and skimmed a few pages.

"What kind of rules are these? Give pudding to Flower? No murdering/maiming/grievously injuring, unless approved by Flower? No being nice to Lucius? And this one isn't even a rule—Don't bother? Don't _bother_? That's not a rule, it can't be a rule."

Flower sighed impatiently. "Yes, actually, it can. Page thirty-seven, paragraph three, section nine, rule eighty-four.

Lucius did a lot of flipping (not _that_ kind, flipping through a book) and eventually muttered, "The phrase 'Don't Bother' can exist as a rule, a 'rule' being defined as: any compilation of words, phrases, pictures, or anything else that is called a 'rule' by Flower…" he trailed off.

"Seriously?"

"Hem, hem!"

Flower's eye twitched in Umbridge's general direction.

"Yes, Dolores?"

"I'd like to say that, hem hem, for a moment there, hem hem, it _sounded_ like you were saying, hem hem, that a rule is anything _you_, being Flower, make up?"

There was a pause while Flower English-i-fied her words. Then it clicked.

"Oh! Oh, _that's_ what you meant! Sorry, the waffle takes a bit to decipher, especially with all the 'hem, hem's. But, the answer to your question… Yup, pretty much."

"Well, this simply cannot be allowed! As Dolores Jane Umbridge, undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, I insist that—"

"You stuff it? Yeah, I thought so too." Flower had her… Duct Taped.

(Cue dramatic music.)

Slightly muffled noises were coming from her taped-up pink squeakbox, so Flower ripped off the tape, put a sock in, and applied new tape.

(Cue thundering applause.)

"Well, now all we have to do is wait!"

Minerva, Flower, Ginny, Umbridge, and Lucius all sat in nice folding chairs. Umbridge and Lucius, however, did not get to enjoy sitting in them for long, as they immediately were replaced by irritated rhinoceroses.

"OWWWW!"

"MMMPPH!"


	24. UL's Mail

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the characters associated with him (except Flower).**

**A/N: This was actually kind of hard to write (writer's block, ugh), considering. Sorry, I had exams (six in one day, would you believe it?) so I'm sorry it's late. And, this will make sense eventually, but **_**mip**_** is my word for the nonexistent sound rabbits make whilst hopping about.**

Glancing down, Flower stuck her tongue out. Umbridge glowered at her from the rather uncomfortable pit she was currently sitting in. Minerva was lecturing a student at Hogwarts from the Room over a magical intercom on the correct spell to set one's enemies' toes aflame. Moody was standing in a corner, trying to be an impartial party (not helping either Ginny or Lucius in their hair-flipping contest).

Flower decided to stop irritating the pink-clothed toad (GASP).

**Glad you're back! :D****  
****Lucius: Whenever you move around the room you must do dramatic dance moves.****  
****Umbridge: You must start to sing Stutter (AVPS reference), but be rudely interrupted by McGonagall throwing rotten food at you. You must try to continue singing.****  
****McGonagall: You must cut Lucius' hair as badly as possible.****  
****Thanks again, Flower! (:**

Lucius grimaced and determined to stay put for the rest of the chapter. Flower would not stand for this, however, and so pushed him over with a thirty-seven-and-a-half foot long stick. He flounced into a sitting position.

Umbridge was given lyrics and headphones. Suddenly she burst into song.

"Remember that time? When you wouldn't—"

"—and that would be enough singing from you, Miss Umbridge—I'm sorry, I just assumed you aren't married! Hmm, wonder why _that_ would be? Ah well, you can stop now," Flower interrupted.

But Umbridge wasn't listening. She had uncovered a new passion. A passion to be… a _superstar_!

"If you wanna be my lover—"

She was Duct-taped.

Minerva took some magical scissors, a long measuring tape and a Quick-Quotes Quill, circling Lucius like a hawk. She took an experimental stab with the scissors.

"OUCH! That was my eye, you ungrateful stupid little- OUCH! Now I can't see _anything_!"

She nodded and measured a lot of things, like round the head, between the nostrils, distance from nose to toes, multiplied by length of the right index finger, divided by the square root of the length of the left pinky toe—standard stuff, as you of course know. Then she took the paper with the measurements and licked it carefully. She thoughtfully tasted it, and then threw the paper away. She nodded, ready for the task.

"OUCH!"

"BLOODY HELL, WOMAN, STOP THIS ATROCITY!"

"WHAT THE –"

Lucius was now almost bald, except for the tufts of hair that made him look like a threadbare Barbie. He was oozing pus out of a large zit in the middle of his forehead.

Flower nodded appreciatively. "Nice touch with the zit."

**Heheheh! This was AWESOME! The Romione-ness of one comment made me very happy. :) Umbit-...Umbridge and Malfoy Sr. were highly amusing as well. Overall, a thoroughly enjoyable chapter.****  
****-Miri****  
****P.S Get the twins in to torture Umbridge, Dobby back from the dead for Malfoy Sr., and torture the rest for me, alright? :**

Fred and George appeared suddenly with a loud crack on either side of Umbridge. She screamed and fell over.

"Is she dead?" Fred inquired.

"Mm, I don't think so," George responded.

"Well, can't let an opportunity like this pass," they said in unison.

They summoned some markers and one of their Boxing Telescopes, and drew all over her face until she looked like a mural. Then they gave her a well-placed black eye.

She woke with a start.

"Hello, dear."

"Would you like a pasty?"

Fred handed over a pumpkin pasty laced with one of their new products. She made an unwise move and took it. Biting in, she realized what she'd done.

"No, no, no, no… Mip, mip." She was now a bunny.

"Okay, George, try the antidote!"

He fed her a green piece of something from his pocket. Nothing happened.

"Ah well, then I suppose that one doesn't work…. But I think she's much better like this—OUCH!"

The bunny had bitten his ankle. And George was shrinking.

"NO! It's infectious! Fred, run before I…. Mip."

"Not George! I'll find a cure!" He examined Umbridge closely. "Perhaps that solution we made last Wednesday! I think I have…. Ouch! No! The Disease of the Bunn… Mip, mip, mip."

Flower stepped over to help. She conked Umbridge on the head to stop her from biting, but instead of stopping, she just transformed back into a toady old lady. Flower looked down at her, raising an eyebrow. She stopped chewing Flower's ankle and took a deep, calming(ish) breath, in doing so nearly inhaling the trash can that had appeared in front of her face. Flower conked the twins on the head, and they turned back into humans.

Meanwhile, Dobby had appeared. He hadn't recognized Lucius because of the haircut, but he knew Flower.

"Hello, Flower! Dobby is happy to see you!"

"Nice to see you, too, Dobby. That over there is Mr. Malfoy Sr. You can do whatever you like with him; you've got total freedom."

Lucius looked at Dobby. "Haven't changed one bit, have you, you little mongrel? Are you still drooling at the feet of that imbecile Potter?"

"Mr. Malfoy will not talk badly about Harry Potter! Harry Potter is a generous, kind wizard! Not like Mr. Malfoy! Dobby will not stand for such things!" He snapped his fingers and a key lime pie flew at Malfoy's face. The one thing was that it wasn't made of flour, sugar, eggs, and other things pies are usually made of. It was made of well-disguised brick.

"OUUCHH! You'll pay for that, you little… _crucio_!"

Dobby stood proudly. "Dobby is being the rubber, and Mr. Malfoy is being the glue! Mr. Malfoy cannot hurt Dobby!" And true to his word, the spell had bounced off an invisible shield and hit Malfoy Sr.

"AAHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Dobby disappeared with another snap.

**After much time of thinking, I have finally composed an ever so fail-ish review for old Toad-Face and Lucy, :D oh joy!****  
****Umbridge: You annoying me and disgust me, Dolores. Such a meanie-pants you are! I make unhappy faces at you D:! Anyway, since you have such likeness to a toad, why don't you just turn into one for a little while? May she nom many flies and her throat unable to make silly little 'hem hem' coughs.****  
****Lucius: Hmmm...you're rather mean as well. Bad Death Eater! Bad, bad! Make everyone allowed to insult him with insults of evilness. Ah...I don't know what to say to Lucius, so this review is over.****  
****I suppose.****  
****~Rhianna :D**

Umbridge died immediately.

Gotcha! No, she didn't. But she did accidentally poke herself with her own wand, got confused, and promptly jumped into Lucius's head.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF!"

She changed back at an inconvenient time, and both meanie-butts fell to the floor. Flower lined everyone up and nodded at Moody, who started the line of insults.

"Your hair looks like it's covered in slime. Come to think of it, it probably _is _covered in slime."

"Hem, hem. You cannot carry out any direction with _ORDER! _Hem, hem."

"I seem to recall, Mr. Malfoy, that you never actually _passed_ one of my classes. You only ever got D's and… _T's_."

Everyone shuddered, then Flower went.

"Your 'Dark Lord' was beat by a one-year-old. An infantiledumpling of a child, known as Harry Potter."

"Damn," Ginny swore. "I was going to use that one. Erm, well, your nose is off-center," she improvised.

Lucius gasped loudly and the room gave him a mirror. He inspected his face closely.

"Is it really that obvious? I've always thought so, but…. No, look, see, its dead cent—oh, no now that I move my head this way…."

**So, hi everyone.****  
****Moody: Hi, um, how old are you exactely. Oh and everytime you breath there comes confetti out of your ears.****  
****Minnie: You're awesome, and funny, and i like your animagus form. But, but, I'm going to give you a task. Would you please, please duel Umbridge. You can bring Peeves or the Weasley twins as your helpers.****  
****Ginny: I like your hair color. Ow and you're are getting your revenge on Lucius for the dairy incident. You can do anthing you want with him. But you can't kill him.****  
****Umbitch: I hate you, more than pettigrew, or Bellatrix, or Lord Voldymoldy. And therefore you should be punished. So everyone who hate you in the wizarding world is going to punish you. Really, Really bad :) Muwhahahaha.****  
****Lucius: *Squeee* You are one of my favorite deatheaters. and characters, and that is why you should sing I feel pretty from Westside story and then hug Voldemort.****  
****Goodbye, i'm off to see the Wizard of Oz****  
****Somebody**

Moody winced as rainbow-colored bits of paper flew out of his ears. They fluttered to the floor, where they each exploded into silent pink fireworks of magic.

"WHY? WHY? And I'm forty-seven," was all Moody could manage.

Minerva stood up to face Umbridge. She looked down her nose.

"Oh, _there_ you are, Dolores."

Dolores shot a _Stupify_ at Minnie, who dodged easily. She calmly flicked her wand and the sound of galloping hoofs filled the room. Umbridge collapsed on the floor, convulsing and surrounded by pink fireworks. Minerva stepped gingerly over her twitching form and asked Flower what was next.

"Oh, that's easy. It's Ginny's turn to torture Lucius!"

"AAAHH!"

Flower looked at Lucius. "Dude. Calm down. We haven't started yet."

Ginny took out her wand and hesitated, eliminating choices from her giant list of things to do. She decided to make him rhyme in every sentence for the rest of the chapter.

Umbridge came out of her coma and soon was overcome with the mob that hurtled out the newly-materialized door. They had clubs, wands, a portable guillotine, a lasso, pitchforks, torches, alarm clocks, several centaurs, and Excalibur. She was whacked, subject to spells, sent into comas and woken up again, and nearly killed with the great sword of the legends. Her hair was cut off and she was dunked in a vat of midnight blue ink. She was expanded (with her clothes, so as not to scar anyone watching) and rolled about. In short, she ended up looking like a very large blueberry, shrieking "I will have order!" ineffectually.

When the mob ebbed away, Flower took pictures and changed her back. Expectantly, she turned to Lucius.

"Now, Lucius," she said gently, "I'm going to have to change your personality a bit now. Hope you don't mind." And suddenly he was grinning in a frilly pink dress.

"I feel _pretty_, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay, I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel," Lucius trilled _(A/N: Well, there's two words I never thought I'd type)_. He skipped over to Umbridge and twirled her around before she pushed him away. He pranced to Ginny, who was guarding with Excalibur, so he moved on to Flower and started braiding her hair. Voldemort was shoved through a door and Lucius bounded over, hugging him tightly and hopping away before he could retaliate. Voldy was banished and Lucius cantered over to where Minerva was. Just before he could hug her, Flower changed his personality back.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

Flower shrugged. "Hugged your master, sung a song, danced around, ruined your reputation, you know. Standard stuff."

"Standard," he whispered. "Standard."

Flower nodded. "Yes, Lucius. Well, that's about it," she said, turning to the audience.


End file.
